


Fumes of burning sulphur

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 80's AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Character progression, Homophobia, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Smut, unhealthy behaviour and dealing with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-04-24 08:00:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14351289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: It’s always been unimaginable for Dan to hurt Phil, up until now.Actually, it is still unimaginable. It is something that slips out when he’s drunk, almost without his consent, once. Nothing bad really happens but there is this thought,this thought, this weird reflex or however you want to call it. Nothing bad happens but at the same time everything is ruined, or maybe it’s been in ruins from the beginning and they just hadn’t realised?Or: They go to a gay club in Vegas and Dan starts acting completely unreasonable. Phil maybe either. It turns out that their relationship is covered with a layer of problems and they both desperately need any solutions.





	1. You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong

Today is 25th August 1984, or actually tonight because it is short past midnight.

This statement won’t be followed by a romantic description of stars beautifully shining in the dark sky. It won’t be followed by anything romantic. No love confessions and happy, peaceful moments that you have with your loved one, no kisses and holding hands or weddings and honeymoons. Maybe it could be like this? Maybe, but it isn’t. What’s the problem?

There are rules in the world, some of them written down and official - that’s called the law. Law is a part of the problem. There is also a certain way of behaving that people expect from you, people as a collective. As if there were unwritten rules, unspoken rules, that you for some reason need to know from your early years on, know and accept and most importantly – don’t break. You need to do this and that, otherwise people are going to judge you, maybe they’re going to eat you alive. It’s hard to blame people as a collective though. They don’t have faces that you could look in and scream in, they don’t have eyes that could fill with guilt or shame or any other human emotion. You could say _“I just love him, let me live”_ , but they wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t understand because they have no brains, they wouldn’t even hear because they have no ears. Who is to blame then? Can you blame the world for not letting you be truly happy with someone that you love? The world is just a shell, nothing human. Or maybe it is all in your head, all those walls and dams and ties. Phil isn’t sure and he doubts he’s ever going to be.

The counter is dirty. It has round, sticky marks where beer mugs were standing and where the liquid has been spilled. Phil would put his elbows there and hide his face in palms but this fucking counter disgusts him too much. He is tired, so tired that he would easily fall asleep if he could just lay down somewhere.

But there is no place to lay down here, there is just this sticky counter and some bar chairs and a parquet full of people. So Phil is sitting in a chair and he is watching Dan who dances alone. It is a beautiful scene, even if Phil doesn’t want to admit it in this particular moment. Dan has light blue jeans on that make his ass stand out, his legs look long and his thighs are thick. The fabric of his white t-shirt clings onto his chest a bit, probably from sweat, his forehead is damp too and the moisture makes his hair curl stronger than usual. His skin manages to glow like gold in the dim lights of the club, making a contrast with the brighter colours of his clothes. He looks like a model, like someone that you only see in a commercial. If he stood still, he would be perfect like a waxwork, almost unrealistically perfect.

He moves in a way Phil has never seen before, which definitely doesn’t come from the feeling of release. It seems forced, as if Dan wanted to try and convince himself that he is confident. He indulges himself in the freedom that he has but he doesn’t seem comfortable with it. Maybe because he knows that in two days they will be back in England and all of this will be over. Maybe he is too scared to show his true self. He dances in a way that is sexy but also awkward, there is an intention of being sensual and attractive but there is not enough confidence in his moves.

Phil wanted to dance with him. They came here together, after all. They entered the club, ordered drinks and sat by the bar. Dan drank his quickly - too quickly if you ask Phil - and stood up immediately after emptying the glass. Phil took his hand wanting to follow him to the dancefloor but Dan turned around with one of the saddest expressions that Phil had ever seen and said _“I want to dance alone. Please, let me dance alone”._ And Phil let him.

It was worrying. It was not typical for Dan to act like this. Phil is watching him the whole evening, he can’t bring himself to go to the dancefloor too and pretend he’s having fun. He tried to come up to Dan and ask him what’s wrong but without any success. Phil then decided to just keep an eye on him.  

As the time goes by, Dan is getting more confident, or maybe just more careless. Phil watches him as he puts his hands on his hips and sways, his head slightly tilted back. It is a strange motion but Dan still looks hot and Phil feels a sudden heat on his cheeks. It feels as if he’d just seen something really inappropriate, something that he was not supposed to witness. It doesn’t really make sense, Dan is his boyfriend. Phil saw him like this, he saw him naked, he saw his face of orgasm more times than he can count. Dan is not having sex right now, he is just dancing, but Phil can’t get this thought out of his head that what he is doing is just very dirty.

Apparently, it’s not only Phil who thinks so. There is a man on the other side of the club, a man who’s staring at Dan with a look on his face that Phil can easily read. This man wants Dan. Maybe he’s planning on hitting him up.

It wouldn’t be the first time that something like this happens tonight. There were other men too, trying to dance with Dan, trying to talk to him – he was putting them all off. But this man who keeps staring at Dan all this time – he looks really creepy. He seems older, he’s maybe in his forties, and he shouldn’t be looking at Dan like this. Dan is only twenty.

Dan is ordering new drinks from time to time and Phil tried to stop him from doing this but without any success either. So he’s just watching him, somehow getting more bored and more irritated at the same time. And then something happens that makes Phil incredibly angry. Dan leaves his beer on the counter and goes dancing. He drinks the rest of it after a couple of minutes.

Phil’s already getting up and wants to talk with him, this time not accepting any excuses but a stranger appears on his side. He wears a crop top and he looks quite fit. He’s also quite handsome and quite young.

“You’re lonely here?”

Phil is absolutely sure that he starts to blush. Really, that’s the worst pick-up line he’s ever heard.

“No, no, I am with someone.”

“With who?”

Phil turns his head and explains which person is Dan. He is probably being stupid right now. He doesn’t even know why he answers the question, he isn’t sure if he’s allowed to answer it. His drunk self is a very stupid self, apparently.

The man’s eyes land on Dan and Phil regrets telling anything even more. He wants to say that no one is allowed to look at Dan like this, that Dan is his and only his. That wouldn’t be true. Dan can do whatever he wants, he can dance in an overly sexual way in a gay club in Vegas, in front of everyone, exposed like this. He’s allowed to do that.

“That’s a nice boy.”

Phil can’t say anything back. This remark shocks him and makes his stomach flip. Maybe because it is a terrible understatement. Maybe because it just sounds really creepy.

“Excuse me,” he says because Dan walks up to the bar again, probably to order a new drink. Phil comes up to him and tugs on his shirt but it doesn’t cause any reaction. Irritation starts growing in him, it quickly spreads in his chest or maybe on his skin. It feels as if he had spilled a cup of hot tea on himself, it burns, it pulses like a real pain.

Phil wants to yell and for a second he’s almost sure he’s really going to do that. It is doubtful whether anyone would even notice him, it is too loud in here and too dark and everyone seems to be way too drunk to care. Phil doesn’t yell anyway, he grabs Dan’s arm and this time Dan turns over.

“What?”

Phil doesn’t hear him, he only knows what he’s saying from the way his lips are moving. Dan looks like he’s annoyed and Phil doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t understand it at all. He leans over so that Dan can hear him and he feels a small sting of pain when Dan takes a step back.

“Let’s go to the hotel,” he says and Dan answers something back but Phil doesn’t hear what. So Phil asks and Dan only rolls his eyes. He takes a pencil and a piece of paper out of the pocket of his jeans, puts it on the counter and quickly writes something.

_i’m having fun ~~hear~~ here but you can go _

Phil stares at the note, without knowing what to say. Dan is drunk and he’s still drinking. Phil doesn’t want to leave him here, he couldn’t do it. This place is too creepy, the people around look as if every one of them would be hiding some dark secrets.

Phil doesn’t think bad about people, not usually. He’s a nice guy and he’s genuinely friendly but in this moment he can’t think clearly and his head is occupied by fear. And when that happens – well, everything around him receives a danger sign. Especially people. Big, intensively red exclamation marks flashing above the heads of everyone in this room.

Some people could say that Phil is paranoid but he can’t help it, especially not in moments like these, not when Dan abandons him and acts so weird, not when Dan is drunk and when Phil knows that he needs to take care of him.

Phil feels anger and the whole situation makes him incredibly bitter. He shouldn’t feel so guilty about it, he isn’t the one who is responsible for it. It shouldn’t have happened at all in the first place. Phil isn’t Dan’s father or a nanny, he is his fucking boyfriend. Dan is an adult and he should act like one, for fuck’s sake.

So Phil is filled with this burning anger, now he can sense it in his throat. In his imagination, he depicts it as if his saliva had turned into melted sulphur. He knows that sulphur is yellow and stinky and it seems to perfectly match his current feelings, including a sudden feeling of nausea. Phil doesn’t know yet that melted sulphur is actually darker – orange or sometimes even red, looking almost like congealed blood. He’ll get to know this years later.

But now he is still here, in the party room with the music that is too loud for his liking and with Dan acting as if they were strangers. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say, so he just looks Dan in the eyes and what he sees scares him. He doesn’t know what is wrong exactly, but something is terribly out of place. Dan has never looked like this.

He takes the pencil from Dan’s hand and scribbles a quick _please_.

Dan looks at the note and then back at Phil and shakes his head. Phil grabs his wrist and drags him toward the toilets, hoping that Dan would follow him. Luckily, he does. He didn’t think Dan would do it actually, it was rather an act of desperation.

Dan leans his back onto the wall when they are there. It looks as if he could fall at any moment, he seems unstable, his body unbalanced. He still manages to look confident though, his eyes are slightly squinted from the lights that are brighter here and his posture says that he doesn’t give a fuck about the conversation that they are having.

“Dan, please. Let’s go. You are drunk and I want to leave.”

“Go then.”

Phil wants to clench his fists so much. So much. Dan sounds really drunk, his voice is a mumble, he doesn’t stand straight and he wants Phil to leave. And he thinks that Phil is going to be okay with that.

“Are you serious now?”

“I don’t know what’s the problem you have.”

“You are my problem.”

Phil wipes his face with hands, partially because he feels helpless, partially because looking at Dan right now makes him angry. He needs to calm down, he needs to just breathe.

“I’m just worried. You are really drunk, Dan.”

“I’m thinking clear.”

“There are other people who are thinking clear as well. Like some weird men eyeing you the whole evening.”

Dan wrinkles his nose.

“Are you talking about Richard?”

Phil fears he’s actually going to explode. His decision to stay calm is totally forgotten, he’s never felt angrier at Dan in his entire life.

“When the hell did you even talk to him?!”

“I haven’t done anything. You don’t have to be jealous.”

“I am not jealous, I am scared! Because you completely ignore any danger!”

“Maybe he likes me, so what?”

Dan looks arrogant. Arrogant and drunk and stupid, so stupid.

“Do you know him? He’s a stranger! He might be a criminal for fuck’s sake! With the way you act right now, anyone could drug you. You left your beer on the counter for like ten minutes and then drank it. Anyone could give you drags and kidnap you or fucking rape you!”

Something flashes in Dan’s eyes, like an unexplainable rage. He raises his hand in a rapid movement which Phil also can’t explain. His eyes flash again, this time with fear, as he lowers his arm and takes a step back. He’s trembling.

“Dan?”

It feels like slow motion, Phil only now realises what he’s actually said but it doesn’t even seem real. Words like these would never leave his mouth but they somehow did and Phil doesn’t know how this happened or why. He only knows that he feels sick. Dan is looking at him with utter horror in his eyes and Phil is close to suffocating.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so sorry.”

This sounds so stupid but there is nothing else he could say, nothing else he could do.

“I almost hit you.”

Dan’s voice is so quiet that Phil barely hears it.

“What?” he asks. The word seems to cause an echo in his head, or maybe that’s just the music from outside the door.

“I almost hit you.”

Dan is so pale that Phil seriously thinks he could pass out or throw up, in the best case. He doesn’t know what to do though, he can’t quite wrap his mind around anything. _I almost hit you._ What the hell does that even mean? When did that happen and how? Because everything Phil saw was a very strange arm movement that looked like – well – nothing really. He doesn’t understand it and he regrets drinking any alcohol this evening because the buzz in his head doesn’t help at all.

They stay like this for a couple of seconds in complete shock and then Dan turns around and almost runs out of the room. It takes another while for Phil to react, Jesus Christ, he really shouldn’t have drunk anything.

Dan’s steps are quick as he heads toward the exit and Phil only manages to catch him up when they are outside.

“Dan! Dan, please, stop.”

It causes no reaction. Dan rushes down the street and Phil is sure he would start to run if he weren’t that drunk.

“We left our jackets there.”

He tries a different tactic which works out apparently because Dan stops and turns around. His eyes are shining and they are open way too wide.

“I almost hit you and you care about jackets.”

Dan struggles to keep his voice calm, Phil can tell it. He’s still slightly shaking and Phil tries to convince himself that it’s from cold. But then Dan’s eyes fill up with tears and he can’t think of any other excuse for this. Dan bites his lips but it doesn’t help in any way, it doesn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face.

“Dan, please.”

Phil doesn’t know what he’s asking for. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he still doesn’t understand anything. It is scary because he has never seen Dan crying. For the whole two years of them being together, it had never happened. Not a single time.

And it’s not only a visual. It’s not only his shoulders shaking and tears shining on his cheeks in the streetlight – it’s also the sobbing that’s getting louder and louder with every second.

Phil almost can’t stand it, watching Dan crying – watching him crying like this, in the middle of the night, on a lonely Vegas street – is just heart-breaking. Phil doesn’t even know what he feels, is it pain or is it confusion? He only knows that he needs to stop it, he needs to do something. He reaches out to put his hand Dan’s shoulder but Dan immediately jumps back.

“Don’t touch me!”

Now Phil really starts to panic. Dan had never acted like this. He had never screamed like this and he had never cried. Phil had never seen this look of absolute horror on his face. _Dan is just drunk_ , he tries to reassure himself. He is only drunk. Or maybe… maybe he isn’t?

“Oh my god, did someone really drug you?”

“What? No...”

Dan stops crying for a moment and looks at Phil.

“Your eyes look weird. Your eyes look really weird, I think I should take you to the hospital.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m not high.”

Dan is getting angry and Phil doesn’t know what to do. Is he really on drugs? He might be.

“You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I know! Because I can’t take it!”

Dan starts to cry again and Phil wants to reach out and touch him but he can’t make the same mistake once again. His hands start to shake from nerves.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I almost hit you, and everything is just fucking horrible. I am fucking horrible.”

Phil watches Dan as he’s walking on his shaky legs, watches his trembling hands, his shaking shoulders. Dan’s walking in circles and in straight lines, on the pavement and on the street. Phil observes him, his anxiety rising with every passing second. He can’t bring himself to do anything, he just hopes that Dan would calm down. But then Dan collapses on his knees and it somehow feels like the world is ending.

“Jesus, Dan!” Phil runs up to him but he can’t do anything. He can’t touch him, talking to him seems pointless. Dan looks like he’s going to throw up but he doesn’t. He only leans a bit forward, panting heavily. They are on the street that is still empty but a car could appear at any moment.

“Dan, you’re in the middle of the street, please,” Phil says and only then he realises that he had been crying too. His own cheeks are wet but he hasn’t even felt that. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with them?

“I don’t care,” Dan says but he gets up eventually. He stands on his legs that are only a bit shaky and he looks at Phil, but only for a second. In this moment, nothing feels real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the names of the chapters are song lyrics from 1980 to 1984 because I’m so extra like that  
> this one is from _Drive_ by The Cars


	2. Give me time to realise my crime

It isn’t that hard for Phil to convince Dan to come back to the hotel. Dan calms down and becomes rather numb. He nods when Phil asks the question and then they walk there together.

Phil can’t stop thinking if Dan is on drugs. Then he remembers that they don’t even have any insurance and they can’t go to the hospital. Jesus, they are so stupid. How can they be so stupid?

He hopes, he hopes that Dan is going to be okay. That nothing has happened to him, that he is just drunk. He is calmer now and he can walk, Phil just needs to keep an eye on him and then everything is going to be good. At least he’s trying to convince himself that it will all end up well.

As they go, Phil realises how cold it is outside and that they eventually forgot their jackets. They can go back there tomorrow, it isn’t important now. The walk to the hotel isn’t even that long.

As they are near the hotel, the streets look busier. There are more cars and more people and Phil can’t shake off the thought that they are all some kind of danger. He wants to be in the hotel room with Dan, without other people gazing at them and walking around. He is so scared that he feels his insides shaking.

They arrive at the familiar building and find their room. Dan still doesn’t say a word, he walks in and lays down on the floor.

“Dan?”

It shocks Phil so much that for a moment he feels like paralysed and he is unable to move. There are only the worst scenarios in his head. What if Dan is going to die? He is close to calling an ambulance and he doesn’t even care that he could go bankrupt from this.

He kneels beside him but he doesn’t know what to do next.

“Go to sleep,” Dan says with his eyes closed. Phil doesn’t know what to think. Why has Dan laid down on the floor? What is going on? His heart is beating fast and he wishes he had some knowledge about how to handle situations like this one.

“What is wrong, Dan? Please, tell me what’s wrong. I’ll call an ambulance if you need that.”

Dan opens his eyes and slowly sits up.

“Don’t do that. I’m fine.”

It’s probably the most rational Phil has seen him this evening and maybe it would calm him down if Dan didn’t look so terrified. Phil wants to know what’s wrong, he needs to know.

“Why are you lying on the floor then?” he asks slowly, trying to sound gentle.

“I won’t sleep in one bed with you.”

Dan isn’t angry, he is just scared. Phil wants to calm him down, he wants to help him but it seems impossible right now.

“Dan, please. It’s fine.”

Dan interrupts him. “Don’t talk to me. Please, don’t talk to me anymore.”

His voice breaks as he speaks. He lays down once again and shuts his eyes close. His chest rises and falls quite rapidly and Phil can’t bring himself to do anything other than watching him.

“Go to bed,” Dan says after a while, his eyes still closed.

“I’m gonna stay here,” Phil whispers. He lays down on the floor too and watches Dan for the rest of the night.

 

 

His thoughts are just a mess. Phil can’t comprehend what just happened, it seems unreal and awful in the worst kind of way and it’s making him feeling sick of himself. What has gotten into him when he said that? _Anyone could rape you_. That’s one of the most horrible things he could ever say to someone and he doesn’t consider himself a soulless person. Or at least he hadn’t up until now.

He tries to understand, tries to find the cause. But he can’t understand his own behaviour so he starts to think about Dan. He thinks about the open-hearted, gentle person that he loves, that he knows so well. Dan would never hit him. Dan had never been aggressive. Except… Except he had been.

 

_“Have you ever been in a fight?”_

_Phil doesn’t know why he asks this question now, when they are lying in bed, when everything is so calm. Dan turns around and looks at him with a strange expression._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Really?” Phil doesn’t know why he didn’t expect that._

_“You?”_

_“No.”_

_Dan laughs. “Honestly, you’ve never been in a fight?”_

_“I don’t know, maybe when I was six.”_

_Dan’s eyes squint in fondness. “You’re too precious.”_

_Maybe Phil is. Or maybe he is just lucky._

_“When was the last time?”_

_The smile on Dan’s face vanishes. It takes a while before he answers._

_“Two years ago maybe.”_

_“And what happened?”_

_Dan closes his eyes for a moment. He looks clearly uncomfortable._

_“There was… We were at a party, me and my girlfriend. She was at the bar and one stupid moron came up to her and slapped her butt.”_

_“Oh god, that’s terrible.”_

_“Yeah. He also broke my nose.”_

_“Jesus.”_

_“I had no choice really, what was I supposed to do? I mean, he was a lot more beefy than me but I couldn’t just… I couldn’t just leave it. She was my girlfriend.”_

_Maybe it isn’t the most reasonable thought at the moment but Phil wonders if Dan would get in a fight just to protect him. Would Phil do the same thing to protect Dan? Are there even situations when physical fights are absolutely necessary? Phil can’t imagine himself fighting with anyone and he wonders if this is a bad thing._

_“Let’s not talk about it,” Dan sighs and puts his arm across Phil’s naked chest and they stay like this, doing nothing._

 

 

Dan wakes up in the morning. Phil doesn’t even know what time it is because he hadn’t moved for the whole night. He couldn’t have brought himself to stand up from the floor and do anything, he’s been too scared. He’s been scared that Dan would wake up and leave. He’s been also scared that Dan would stop breathing. Maybe Phil is just too anxious but he’s spend the whole night watching Dan’s chest rising and falling and he hasn’t even gotten sleepy. He’s been just scared the whole goddamn time.

Dan opens his eyes for a split of a second and shuts them close with a growl.

“Jesus.”

Then he opens them again, this time for longer. His gaze focuses on Phil and he probably realises that they are both lying on the floor. He probably recollects what happened last night. He sits up abruptly and Phil does the same because he doesn’t know what else he could do.

“Fuck. Fuck.” Dan buries his face in his hands. “Jesus, Phil, I…”

“Calm down.” His own voice sounds foreign. It’s emotionless and dry and Phil would get scared of it if he wasn’t scared already.

Dan looks at him with his eyes wide open and his lips are parted slightly, maybe in shock. His breath is loud and sounds actually more like panting.

“Can you stand up?” Phil doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s doing right now. Dan doesn’t understand either, apparently.

“What?” He looks like a child and Phil can’t get this thought out of his head. Dan looks like a small child that is scared of his father.

“Stand up if you can.” Phil is already up on his legs and he waits for Dan to do the same. Dan takes his hand and gets up but he has some problems with keeping balance. Phil puts his hand on his shoulder to keep him steady.

“How do you feel?”

Dan stares at him with a look of absolute hurt on his face. When he speaks, his voice is much higher than usual.

“How can you ask that question?”

“I mean, how do you feel physically? Do you feel sick?”

“Phil…”

“Get a grip on yourself, Dan.”

Phil doesn’t understand why he’s like this, why he’s so heartless and why his voice sounds so mechanic. He doesn’t understand why Dan starts to cry. He only sees Dan taking a step back and sitting down on the bed. He doesn’t see Dan’s face but he sees his shaking shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says but it doesn’t sound honest. It is honest – but it just sounds robotic and he doesn’t know why.

“You’re not the one supposed to be saying it.”

Dan’s voice, however, sounds terrible - muffled, broken and full of tears. Phil sits down beside him.

“Just calm down. Breathe for a moment.” This seems a lot more like him. Quiet and gentle, not rude and empty.

Phil tries to collect his thoughts while listening to Dan breathing heavily beside him. He doesn’t know what is wrong with him. He doesn’t know why he acts so emotionless, as if his soul has left his body. He is so scared but it isn’t really visible on the outside. On the outside, there is just a mask.

Phil doesn’t know what has happened to Dan either. He doesn’t know how to talk with him, he doesn’t know what to do – he only knows that everything feels goddamn awful.

It feels as if they were marionettes and someone has cut their strings. Now they are lying and there is nothing they can do, they are forced to stay motionless. Soon they’ll be covered in dust and totally forgotten.

Because it feels like their life is ending. Phil doesn’t even know if he can use the singular form here. Maybe it’s never been their life. Maybe it’s always been Dan’s life and Phil’s life, two separate things. It’s definitely been like this for the whole world because no one even knows that they’re together, except for them. Are they even still together?

Dan stands up and Phil does the same. It seems like an unsaid pact between them. They’re doing everything together.

He looks at Phil with a strange confidence in his eyes - it seems like a fake confidence mixed with fear. He doesn’t look like a child anymore but he also doesn’t exactly look like a person that Phil used to know.

“Let’s go and have some breakfast.”

Phil tries to look like he isn’t surprised.

“Alright.”

 

 

They didn’t have a shower and they probably stink of alcohol but it doesn’t matter here. Nothing matters in Vegas.

They are at a restaurant that is cheap and mostly empty. They order toasts with fried eggs and sausages and also coffee. Phil isn’t even sure if he wants to eat this exact food. But Dan had made his order and the only thing Phil was able to say was _same for me, please._

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Dan says when the waiter goes away. “I mean, a single sorry will never be enough. I know this.”

“Dan, we can work on that.”

Maybe that’s the point when they should have an honest conversation with each other. Phil doesn’t consider himself good at discussing any issues but what other choice does he have?

“On my aggressive tendencies? That’s dangerous, Phil. Dangerous for you. I shouldn’t even be sitting here right now.”

“Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that.”

Phil shouldn’t be suddenly so emotional. Dan shouldn’t be so uptight. But it all just doesn’t work.

“I wouldn’t even realise what you were thinking of if you haven’t told me,” Phil says lowering his voice.

“Oh, and you think that it solves everything? It wouldn’t be a slap in the face, Phil. I had my fists clenched and I could… I could break your nose. Jesus Christ.”

Dan rubs his face with his palms and Phil can hear his panting over the music.

“Dan, please. You need to calm down.”

“Are you scared?” Dan’s brows are knit and his lips are pressed together so tightly that they’re becoming white.

“What?”

“Are you scared of me?”

Phil wishes they had learnt how to talk with each other sooner. They are together. They are in a relationship. How can Dan ask if Phil is scared of him? Are the events from the last night enough of a reason to ask such a question?

“No. I’m scared that you might do something stupid like run away from me. I need you to stay here. I need you to stay calm and go back to England where we can figure everything out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out.”

Phil clenches his fists under the table.

“Don’t say that. It was my fault too. What I said was disgusting and absolutely unacceptable.”

“That’s still not a reason to try and hit someone.”

“You’re right. But nothing happened. I’m not saying that everything is fine but the situation definitely isn’t that tragic.”

Dan grimaces.

“Maybe for you.”

Their food arrives and they stop talking.

 

 

“You should go to sleep, Phil.”

Phil shakes his head.

“I won’t go anywhere.”

They are lying on the bed, watching television. It’s a film with Burt Reynolds that doesn’t seem interesting for Phil, or maybe he’s just too sleepy to get involved in the story.

“Promise,” he mumbles burying one half of his face into the pillow.

“I promise.”

“What do you promise?”

Dan props on his elbow and looks at him.

“I promise that I won’t leave. Please, Phil, just go to sleep, you look like a zombie. I’ll be here all the time, I swear.”

Dan turns off the tv and lays down beside Phil. Phil wants this moment to last. They are lying so close to each other and the silence is so soothing. He can pretend that nothing really happened. He can imagine that it can always be like this. That they can just be together, lying in bed all day and night.

“Close your eyes,” Dan whispers. His eyes are shining and Phil thinks that now he looks normal. For some reason this thought is hurtful.

“I won’t leave,” he continues. “What should I say so that you believe me?”

Phil doesn’t answer but he closes his eyes.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Culture Club - _Do you really want to hurt me?_


	3. I live among the creatures of the night

When Phil wakes up, Dan is still there. Phil instinctively moves closer but he quickly recollects himself. They don’t act like this anymore. There is an invisible barrier between them now. They used to exploit every moment that they had just for themselves but now they are strangers.

Well, almost. They still sleep in the same bed. They still discuss when and where they’re going to eat dinner. They still spend nearly every second with each other – but the clock is ticking.

Phil has no idea how things are going to look like when they’ll come back to England, and they are coming back today. They should talk with each other, they should discuss how they both see their future – but they don’t do that. Every unsaid word is hanging in the air between them and the air becomes thicker and thicker. And darker, like a smog.

They are waiting for the taxi to arrive when Dan decides to drop the bomb.

“We should take a break.”

Phil’s mouth immediately goes dry. It feels as if he’s just choked on some smoke, he can’t quite bring himself to make a sound because his throat is so clenched.

“What do you mean?” His voice is muffled and a bit hoarse when he eventually manages to say something.

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Of course, they both don’t know what they are doing. Phil looks around. He sees no people in the near distance but he lowers his voice, just in case.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

Dan bites his lip. He doesn’t look at Phil, he stares at the building on the other side of the street. As if it was for some magical reason more interesting than his boyfriend. Or ex-boyfriend. Fuck, Phil doesn’t know but it just doesn’t feel fair.

“I don’t know. I need time to think about it.”

Phil doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t even want to accept it. Everything in his head sounds like _Jesus fucking Christ, Dan, I love you, you can’t do this to me_ , playing on repeat.

“Alright,” he says in a weak voice.

He suddenly realises how irritating the sound of the passing cars is. The blinding sun is annoying and the same goes for the heat that it produces. Everything is fucking annoying. The sweat on his back and under his armpits makes him feel disgusted and he wishes he could just turn around and go back to the hotel room, close the curtains and do nothing for the rest of his life. Or that he could be like a vampire – lie in a coffin all day and only go out at night.

“I want you to keep calling me.”

Dan licks his lips and Phil wonders if Dan’s mouth is as dry as his own. “How often?”

“Every day.”

Phil wishes Dan had a phone in his flat. But he doesn’t, he needs to use a telephone box and it fully depends on him whether he’s going to have a phone call with Phil or not. Phil doesn’t really like to have no control, it makes him feel uneasy. Besides, he doesn’t even have any other options. He can’t really show up at his place either because Dan has a flatmate.

“We had never talked every day.” Phil isn’t sure if he can sense a slight note of hurt in Dan’s voice.

“I don’t care. I need to know that you’re okay.”

Dan looks at the ground and starts kicking the suitcase with the tip of his foot. Not strongly, but repeatedly. “I don’t know if I have enough money for that.”

Phil reaches out to take out the wallet from his pocket without a second thought.

“Jesus Christ, not here.”

He looks at Dan whose cheeks are suffused with colour.

“Sorry,” he mutters and turns away to look in the opposite direction.

 

 

Phil wonders what would happen if the plane collapsed. He imagines the announcement informing the passengers that they need to stay in their seats. He imagines turbulences, people screaming and panicking. He imagines Dan hitting his head and a trail of blood on his forehead.

_What is wrong with me._ Phil rubs his brow. He looks right to make sure Dan is still asleep next to him. Soon Phil won’t see him anymore, for god knows how long.

He needs to calm down because he starts feeling nauseous. Stupid planes and his stupid motion sickness. Or maybe it’s still the hangover. Or maybe it’s caused by the distress of feeling like a rat that got pinched in a mousetrap. A trap that he probably made by himself, let’s be honest – he only can’t quite recollect how it happened. What has he done wrong? He has no idea how he could have avoided causing all this destruction. Maybe he’s just unable to love.

He gazes at Dan and he thinks that he loves him. But he isn’t sure.

 

 

His flat feels empty. It’s not really any different from how it was before, Phil has been living here alone since the beginning. Dan used to stay over though, sometimes. He used to and now he won’t. Maybe that’s why it feels different.

His fridge is almost empty and he should go to the shop but he’s too lazy. He can do it later. He still has some pasta and canned tomatoes, it’s not the dream food but it will do. He only needs to use some spices.

But now he can’t refuse to lay down on his bed. The bedsheets are pleasantly cold and his bed is much more comfortable than the one they shared in the hotel. He doesn’t even know why he thinks of everything in the plural form - he only knows that he needs to stop doing it. It’s him, not them.

He grabs the pillow and buries his fingers in it and imagines… No, no, he can’t imagine that either. It feels wrong, they aren’t even really together anymore. They’re in separation -  kind of - with the difference that they’re not married. They couldn’t get married but Phil isn’t sure if he feels bitter about it. Even if they could – would they do it? He doubts. No one would appear at their wedding because they wouldn’t even invite anyone. It would be just the two of them slowly dancing to some sad music and eating a cake at a table in the corner. That’s a sad image.

He needs to find something positive. He doesn’t want to go to work but he still has one free day to cure the jetlag. He’ll spend this whole day in bed. That’s not the most exciting thing to do but it’s everything he wants right now. Well, almost.

 

 

Phil had never really thought that his job as an account executive at an advertising company was bad but today he’s just annoyed at everything. His clients aren’t any exception. Jason, who works as an account manager, somehow gets on his nerves too, even though they usually get along really well. When Phil started working here, Jason was the first person to draw his attention and Phil’s sure he would have developed a crush on him if he hadn’t met Dan earlier.

“I wasn’t here one week. Five days actually,” he sighs.

“Sorry, Phil. Also, people from Surface want to see you as quickly as possible.” Jason is sitting on Phil’s desk and he’s looking through some papers.

“What happened?”

“They’re not happy with the outcome.”

“Entirely?” Phil doesn’t even try to erase the edge from his voice.

Jason looks up from the sheets and turns his head around. “Don’t know. It needs to be discussed, I guess.”

“Fuck them,” Phil almost throws the pen he’s holding onto the desk but stops himself in the last moment.

“What’s wrong?”

“That’s the third time when they come back with something they don’t like and they always complain about some meaningless shit and…”

“No, no. What’s wrong with you?”

Phil’s taken aback by this question.

“Nothing’s wrong with me.” He wants to add _what the fuck_ but he bites his tongue.

“You’re angry.” Jason gives him a look that may express confusion or worry, Phil isn’t sure.

“No.”

“Phil.”

He’s right. Phil is angry. He is angry as fuck and he doesn’t know why. Or rather he knows why but he doesn’t know how to stop himself from being so furious. “Jesus, I just… I have some problems, okay?”

Jason gives him a half-smile. “Girlfriends?”

“Kind of.” Phil winces, almost uncontrollably.

“Was your vacation not supposed to relax you?”

Phil sighs. “Yeah, that was the purpose.”

Actually, that was not the exact purpose. He and Dan went to Vegas because they wanted to feel free. They wanted to have unlimited time just with each other and they wanted to go out together without fear that someone they know would see them. Also, they wanted to have a lot of sex.

Phil can’t stop thinking about the things that they hadn’t had a chance to experience yet. Like anal sex. Maybe it’s stupid to think about it now, especially because it’s not that he can’t stand the lack of sex, he just misses Dan. Still, he can’t shake off the thought that maybe Dan has always been scared of him, even if subconsciously. But that’s silly. Dan wasn’t scared of him. That was not the reason he didn’t want to have this kind of intimacy.

 

_“I don’t know Phil, that’s stupid.”_

_“You can tell me. If you never wanna do it – just tell me. I would never demand it from you.”_

_Dan wipes his face. “No, it’s not like that, I just…”_

_“Are you scared?”_

_“No.” Dan looks honest and Phil believes him entirely._

_“I’m just…” he continues, “I told you this is stupid but I just have this thought in my head that this would be something bad. And I know that it isn’t but I can’t shake it off, you know? Because there are people who are disgusted by two guys doing it and I… I don’t want to think that what we’re doing is disgusting.”_

_Phil tries to stop himself from feeling hurt by Dan’s words. “It isn’t disgusting.”_

_“I know. But I just can’t, Phil. I can’t imagine doing this without having the thought echoing in my head that it is something filthy.”_

_Phil wants to close his eyes and give himself some time to understand. He would never disrespect Dan’s decision but he can’t quite understand the reasoning behind it._

_“Alright, we don’t – we don’t have to. It’s okay.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Dan’s voice is quiet and he doesn’t look at Phil._

_“No, it’s not… There’s nothing to apologize for. Never apologize to me for saying what you want.”_

 

Jason snaps his fingers in front of Phil’s face. “Hello? Are you there?”

Phil tries to act normal but it is so goddamn difficult right now.

“Yeah, sorry. What were you talking about?”

 

 

Phil comes back home, to his flat that still feels empty. He opens the window because the air is thick and a bit stinky. He lays down on the bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes.

Soon, a big fly gets in through that open window. It crosses the room with an incredible speed and then turns back. It doesn’t fly out, it just starts making constant circles in the air. Phil closes his eyes and listens to the annoying buzzing.

He tries not to think about anything specific and he even starts drifting to sleep when he suddenly hears a different kind of noise – the ringing. Then he jumps off the bed and runs across the room.

“Yeah?” He can’t catch his breath when he picks up the phone. It was only a few metres distance, he should probably start doing some sports.

“It’s me.” It’s Dan.

“Hi. How are you?” Phil runs his hand through his hair nervously. That's okay when Dan can’t see him, he can do it with no audience.

“Good.”

There is a moment of silence and Phil imagines Dan in the telephone box, holding the handset. Maybe he leans his forehead onto the glass. He’s always tired after work.

“How was your work?” Phil asks. They never really talk about Dan’s job and Phil doesn’t know if they should be doing it now but he can’t think of any other neutral subject.

“As usual. Yours?”

“Good. I guess.” It wasn’t good, it was terrible. Why is he lying? But he doesn’t even have a chance to correct himself.

“Okay, then bye.”

“Bye,” Phil says but Dan has already hung up. He fights the urge to throw the handset on the floor but after a few deep breaths, he puts it back on the hook as gently as he can manage.

He comes back to bed, this time at least taking off his shoes first.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Laura Branigan - _Self Control_ (that's a good song btw)  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	4. My instincts tell me to keep breathing

There’s a knocking at his door around 9 p.m. and Phil gets anxious the second he hears it. He’s sitting on his couch watching tv – or at least pretending that he does – and he’s not expecting anyone. But he knows who the person behind the door is. It’s late and he doesn’t even have that many friends – it must be him. Phil’s almost sure about it but he isn’t prepared to see his face. He isn’t prepared to talk and to look at him and to share the same air with him. His legs are a bit wobbly when he stands up. His steps are slow and his hands are shaking when he gets the door open.

“Dan.” He knew that it was going to be him - still, he can’t quite acknowledge the fact that Dan is right there. His hair looks a bit messy and a bit sweaty, there’s sweat on his face too, on his forehead and under his nose. His cheeks are flushed pink. It can’t be that hot outside right now, was he running? Phil has a tendency to overreact and now he can’t stop a thought forming in his head – that maybe Dan was attacked on the street and needed to run away.

“Has something happened?” he asks, clearly recognising the familiar nervous tone in his voice. He knows that Dan must be recognizing it either but it doesn’t really matter.

“May I come in?” Dan never asks such questions which makes Phil even more concerned. He nods and lets him in, then closes the door and turns around.

“What happened?” he repeats, scanning Dan for any visible signs of fighting or injuries or whatever else could be wrong with him.

“Nothing happened.”

Phil takes a slow breath. It’s still a bit shaky but maybe it will help him.

“So why are you here?” he asks, maybe sounding a bit too defensive. He isn’t really unhappy to see Dan, just surprised and scared, probably too much than necessary. He doesn’t know why he acts completely different than he feels inside – and it isn’t the first time that it happens, at this point it is nearly constant.

“I can go if you want me to.”

Phil is quite surprised that Dan is looking him straight in the eyes. He doesn’t seem to be very stressed out while Phil is just a nervous wreck.

“I never said that,” he chokes out.

Dan takes a step forward and it’s enough for Phil to feel a wave of heat rushing through his body. They are so close that it seems like a dream after such a long separation. It feels unrealistic.

Dan puts his hands on Phil’s hips and Phil needs to fight the urge to grab him and pull him closer. They should talk, sex won’t solve anything. But then Dan’s lips are on his and he can’t resist them, he can’t stop kissing him now, he missed it too goddamn much.

It’s like a blessing – to feel this familiar warmth on his mouth, to have these lips between his own. The kiss is intoxicating and it makes his brain totally unfunctional, like a mush – a squishy, useless mush. He feels hot – too hot – as if Dan turned into a stove over the last two weeks during which they haven’t seen each other but Phil wouldn’t even mind being cooked alive right now.

Only when they part for a moment, some shadow of rational thoughts flows through his mind and shakes him out of the state he’s in.

“Dan, we need to stop,” he says but he doesn’t even take a step back. A coward – that’s who he is. He’s weak and too scared of the possible consequences of his actions. He’s scared of making any outright decisions and he’s always in-between, always in this comforting state of vagueness. Maybe with the exception that this time it doesn’t feel comforting anymore, it just feels bad.

“Why?” Dan looks strange, kind of broken and vulnerable. His face is so close and Phil wants to kiss it all away or maybe he wants to kiss Dan again just for the sake of not having to look at him right now.

“We need to talk,” he says in spite of all the stupid thoughts he’s having.

“I don’t wanna talk.” Dan’s voice is quiet. He suddenly looks insecure and lost and Phil doesn’t know what to do with this fact. “Do you?”

Phil doesn’t answer but he takes a step forward again. He’s being so stupid right now. He’s being so weak. He leans a bit to have access to Dan’s neck and he licks his skin which makes Dan shiver and moan.

“Get on the bed.”

Dan looks at him, his lips slightly parted and his brow dangerously furrowed, and Phil expects him to leave and shut the door behind him with a loud fucking bang. That’s what he deserves. Dan looks uneasy but he takes his shoes off, then goes to Phil’s bedroom and does what he was told. Phil wishes he wouldn’t do that. Jesus, he is so fucked up. But it doesn’t stop him from following Dan onto the bed and it also doesn’t stop him from unbuttoning Dan’s shirt and jeans.

He might be a bit too eager and a bit too quick. His kisses are probably a bit too wet but does it even matter? Phil wants them to become once, he wants them to melt into each other so that they can never part. He takes off Dan’s underwear a bit too soon than convenient.

“Spread your legs.”

Dan tenses. It’s not how they talk to each other, not even in bed. Phil considers standing up and walking away. It doesn’t even matter that he’s in his own flat. He shouldn’t act like this. But then Dan spreads his legs and Phil forgets about this thought.

He doesn’t touch Dan’s cock but he puts his hands on Dan’s thighs and parts his legs even further. He leans in to bite the skin just above the knee. It feels astounding, in this moment it feels even better than giving him head. He moves up Dan’s leg, biting the inner side of his thigh and he’s amazed by how good the sensation of having the folds of soft skin between his teeth is, as if some primal part of him has been woken up, a strange need that’s really hard to understand. He barely hears Dan’s moans and he realises quite late that they sound rather painful. It makes him back up immediately.

“What’s wrong?”

„Was it too much?” Phil nearly cringes at the sound of his own voice, he sounds mortified. His heart is beating fast and hard and for a second Phil wonders if he’s more like an animal or like a human right now.

Dan only sits up and wraps his hand around Phil’s wrist. It isn’t aggressive, Phil could easily free himself from the grip if he wanted to. But he doesn’t, he lets Dan raise his arm and watches how he bites his forearm. It is painful – not much, only a bit – but there is something cathartic about it. It makes Phil want Dan to leave bite marks all over his body, he wants to feel it, he definitely craves more.

He slides his hand into his pants and curls it around his cock. It feels too good and Phil can’t resist starting to jerk himself off. He’s probably fucked up but he decides not to care. Maybe this need to wank himself right now is as primal as the want to bite.

“Wait,” Dan says and grabs Phil’s arm to tug it out of his boxers. Phil thinks that Dan’s going to make it all stop but he only orders Phil to lay down which Phil does. He doesn’t even know why, he feels like he would do anything at this moment because none of it even matters. He had never felt this way, he had never been so vacant and it should be scary but it isn’t. Phil wonders if he is able to feel anything but sexual arousal right now while Dan undresses him and wraps his mouth around his cock.

“Are you gonna bite my dick off?” Phil says and Dan only looks up, his lips sliding down and stretching to take even more of him. It’s like a cursed image, it’s too hot and it feels wrong because they should be talking with each other and not be sucking themselves off. On the other hand – what would they even talk about? Phil doesn’t have any words, any explanation. He has no apology and no plan what to do.

“Turn over,” he says and Dan gets the hint. He lets go of his cock for a moment and hovers over Phil, so that his dick is hanging right above Phil’s face. Phil takes him into his mouth and he can’t suppress a moan when Dan wraps his lips around his head and starts sucking.

It gives Phil a chance to concentrate on the sensation of Dan blowing him, it gives him a chance to concentrate on the pleasure only. Soon he really stops thinking about anything but their cocks in each other’s mouths and Dan’s balls hitting his nose every time he moves his head up to swallow as much as he can. It doesn’t take much time for Dan to get close to an orgasm and Phil decides to let him fuck his mouth. He likes it, he likes the feeling of a cock filling him up and he likes having no control. Phil is good at giving, he’s always been. He doesn’t even put his hands on Dan’s legs just in case his moves would get too erratic. He just likes it this way.

It doesn’t take long for Dan to come. His cock slides out of Phil’s mouth right before that and most of the cum lands on Phil’s face. Phil likes that too, he even likes the stupid filthiness of it, he likes the feeling of doing something that a probably quite big part of humanity would disapprove. He feels good having his face covered in sperm, he feels good sensing the bitter-salty taste of it on his lips. It’s probably one of the very few moments when he feels like he’s really free which is paradoxical considering that he would be mortified if anyone found out what he does.

Dan continues sucking him off after he comes off his high and all these thoughts quickly disappear from Phil’s head, the only one that’s left is that he is really close too.

He comes in Dan’s mouth very soon. But besides of the pleasure spreading through his body it also feels as if his heart is being ripped of his chest and it ruins everything for him. Maybe it’s just the sudden realisation of what he’s been actually doing. His heart is beating fast and he doesn’t know if it’s from orgasm or from fear. He becomes more aware of Dan’s body above his own, of his now soft dick swinging above his face. Dan sucks every ounce of his load, then pulls out and collapses on the bed but Phil is too numb to do anything, or maybe too scared. Scared of his own stupidity and immaturity, of his carelessness. What was even that? He’s not the type for having meaningless sex but what they’ve just done was exactly this – sex without any other purpose than getting each other off.

Dan props on his elbow and they look at each other for a moment. Phil doesn’t know what it means either.

“Are you going to leave now?” he asks in a voice that is weaker than he expected.

Dan furrows his brow and sits up. “Do you want me to?”

“No.”

Phil should probably get up and wipe the come off his face but he doesn’t feel like doing anything right now. Dan must be having some mercy for him because he goes to the kitchen and comes back with a few paper towels.

But during this short time when he’s being absent, something in Phil’s head snaps. As if he realises that a line had been crossed, a sudden want to escape overcomes him.

“I want you to leave,” he says in a trembling voice when Dan appears at the door of the bedroom.

“What?”

“I want you to go. Just leave.”

Phil looks up only to see that Dan’s mouth hangs open. “What happened? Everything… Everything was alright.”

He sits up and hides his face in his hands spreading the sperm all over his skin. It even gets between his fingers. “Just go, please, just go.”

He sees with the corner of his eye how Dan leans to get his clothes from the floor and how he puts them on. He moves quickly and this rush is making everything even worse somehow. It’s like ticking of a bomb, in a few minutes or maybe even seconds Dan is not going to be here anymore. He’ll be gone and Phil will be left with his feelings, with this thought that he’s just done something disgusting.

Dan is already in the hall when Phil decides that he can’t leave it like this.

“Wait!” he jumps up and rushes out of the room. He almost regrets doing it when he sees Dan’s confused expression. Phil doesn’t like causing problems and he doesn’t like disappointing people. But he also doesn’t like unresolved issues.

“Phil, what… What’s going on?” It hurts to hear the resignation in Dan’s voice. Phil isn’t sure if that’s the reason why his own eyes fill up with tears or if it’s the guilt or maybe something completely different. He only knows that he can’t really catch his breath and he couldn’t answer even if he wanted to. But he doesn’t have an answer anyway.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Hearing the apology makes him tear up completely and he doesn’t even try to prevent it, he just lets himself drown if this feeling of sorrow and for a second, he hopes this feeling would smother him because he’s sure he can’t take it.

He feels a hand on his shoulder that isn’t even comforting and they stay like this for a moment. Phil doesn’t even care, he really doesn’t care because he can’t calm down right now and he doesn’t feel like he ever would be calm again.

“Let’s sit down, okay?”

Dan turns him over and guides him back to the bedroom where they sit on the bed next to each other. Dan’s hand is still there, on Phil’s shoulder, as if he is scared to take it back but also scared to do something more.

Phil calms down after a while, at least enough to stop weeping. He doesn’t even feel better, crying didn’t give him with any release. He thinks that maybe now he understands what Dan was feeling during that night in Vegas having a breakdown on the street.

“Give me your face.”

Phil turns around for Dan to wipe his face with paper towels. He can only concentrate on his big hands that are somehow so delicate. Then Dan tosses the towels on the floor and looks back at Phil.

“I’m gonna go now, okay?” His voice is gentle and his expression is gentle too and Phil can’t get rid of the thought that he doesn’t deserve it. “I’ll come back in a few days, so that we can talk, alright? Can I come here on Sunday?”

Phil only nods.

“Can I leave now? Are you okay, at least enough for staying alone here?”

“Of course.”

Dan gets up but hesitates for a moment. He leans over and places a kiss on the top of Phil’s head.

“I love you,” he says.

Then he leaves.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Kate Bush - _Breathing_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	5. No place to be ending but somewhere to start

Saturday is extraordinarily difficult. It’s just a day – theoretically – but for Phil, it’s like a never-ending struggle to survive just another second without the crippling fear of losing everything that he has. And yes, Dan is everything that he has.  

He is alone at his home – or rather in the apartment he’s renting. It doesn’t necessarily feel like a true home. Dan isn’t here so it isn’t full, it feels only like a place where he eats and sleeps, a very insignificant spot filled with nothing but a few memories of them being here together. Well, maybe a bit more than a few, but it still isn’t enough. Phil wants a true home where he and Dan could spend the rest of their lives side by side, a happy place, a shelter protecting them from the world, something that belongs to them and that they can share. A forever home is something he’s been dreaming of for a long time but now he doesn’t know if this dream will ever be fulfilled. It doesn’t seem realistic right now.

The problem is that he and Dan just don’t talk enough. They’ve always talked a lot but not about the most important thing – their future. Phil doesn’t really know how Dan imagines what their lives would look like in a few years. He’s been always living in a dream, refusing to even admit that there were some issues because as long as they kept seeing each other, those problems didn’t seem to matter that much. They are young, really young, and there is no need to settle down so soon – that’s what Phil had been always telling himself. Now he isn’t so sure about it.

He realises that he’s angry. First of all, he’s angry at himself, but he’s also angry at Dan, he’s angry at his job, and at his flat with an empty fridge, and at his neighbours that are so silent yet so loud. Their presence is like a scream – a constant reminder that Phil needs to hide. He and Dan need to hide, they have to live in a nonstop fear of other people finding out. Maybe it doesn’t really matter, maybe it shouldn’t matter but it’s still really fucking scary. Phil had always thought that as long as they kept their relationship secret, everything was going to be fine. He thought that the only danger was other people, that for some reason they had the power to destroy their love with their cruel words and judgemental looks. It turned out that he and Dan are their own worst enemies.

Still, Phil isn’t sure if it’s only their fault. It appears that they are not able to maintain a healthy relationship but Phil doesn’t believe that they are both bad to their cores. He does believe that they are very good at hearts – but something must have happened on their ways through life, something that has made them angry and lost and sort of unfunctional. Phil doesn’t know who or what is to blame, so he’s angry at the whole world. It’s kind of sad that he has reached this point. Probably the worst thing is that he had never been this enraged and he doesn’t really know where that came from. Everything seemed to be just fine only a few weeks ago, and Phil just doesn’t see the cause, a significant change, he doesn’t see anything that would be different now than it was before. Or maybe something has changed but he’s been just too blind to see it.

He spends all Saturday thinking. He’s thinking when he’s lying in bed in the morning, when he’s drinking his morning coffee, and when he’s drinking his afternoon coffee. He’s thinking when he’s eating breakfast, when he’s sitting at his kitchen table doing nothing, when he’s lying on the couch and honestly, he even considers laying down on the floor because maybe then he would focus on the weird perspective of everything around him and not on the train of thoughts running through his head with the nearly consistent sound of a loud fucking choo-choo.

He’s too angry. He needs to calm down because Dan is going to come here tomorrow and they need to talk – they need to sit next to each other and discuss everything like mature adults. Phil needs to stop feeling the urge to scream and god, it’s indescribable how tempting letting out a shriek is right now.

He decides to go to sleep early but he can’t fall asleep. He thinks that he doesn’t want to destroy everything. Maybe he already did. It’s like they are two kids in a kindergarten – they’d painted a picture that had been colourful and nice to look at, though definitely not a piece of art. Then – without a reason – they decided to grab some crayons and smear the whole painting, and tear it into shreds, and throw those shreds all over and then cry because what they’ve done was stupid. Phil closes his eyes but this image doesn’t leave his mind – an image of him and Dan comically small and acting like the rudest children on earth, chasing each other, screaming, knocking each other over and hitting…

No, he can’t think about violence. He needs to calm down. He turns over in his bed once again hoping that he would eventually fall asleep.

 

 

He’s woken up by knocking at the door. First, it doesn’t really occur to him what is going on but when he finally regains some consciousness, he jumps out of the bed instantly.

He should probably put some shirt on – that’s a thought that comes to his mind in the moment he’s already opened the door. Dan only comes in and quickly shuts the door behind him.

“Did I wake you up?”

Phil suddenly feels very naked. Well, he is, he literally is almost naked but it seems strange right now, kind of uncomfortable and inappropriate.

“Phil?” Dan is visibly tense, his shoulders look rigid and his eyes look worried.

“Yeah, sorry. I was sleeping.”

“It’s afternoon.” Dan drawls, looking at the watch on his wrist. “It’s literally almost 2 p.m. right now.”

He takes a step forward and Phil doesn’t know how to react so he just stays there motionless. “Are you okay?”

It’s not how it should look like. Phil feels rather dead than alive – like he always does when he wakes up and his brain doesn’t seem to properly function yet. They should talk but the only thing Phil’s in power to do right now is to mumble some words or sentences that don’t have any significance.

“I’m fine. I couldn’t sleep at night, that’s probably why.”

Dan bites his lips as if thinking what to say.

“I’ll make you coffee,” he mutters and passes Phil on his way to the kitchen without even shooting a glance at him.

Phil comes back to his bedroom to put some clothes on, cursing at himself in his mind for being so unprepared and for making such a mess of himself. But it doesn’t mean that everything is over, the chance is not wasted yet, he’ll go to the kitchen and he’ll talk with Dan just as he wanted to.

 

 

The coffee is already made when he enters the kitchen and Dan is sitting at the table and looking out the window. Phil sits down too but he doesn’t really know what to say. There’s a cup of coffee in front of him and the second one in front of Dan and there is silence.

“Let’s drink it first,” Dan suggests, still not looking away from a scrap of the world visible outside that piece of glass. Phil isn’t sure if he says so because he’s stressed out and needs time to collect himself or because he knows that Phil is always way too grumpy for having conversations shortly after he wakes up.

So they sit in silence until they can’t pretend anymore that their cups still contain any drinks.

“I’m sorry, Phil. I’m really sorry because I’ve been acting like a dickhead lately and it’s stupid to say it now but I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“It isn’t stupid. I know that you didn’t.”

Only now they look at each other properly and Phil is surprised but it somewhat calms him down.

“I’m sorry too.”

“For what?”

That’s a difficult question. Not because Phil doesn’t think he had done anything wrong – he just has no idea how to convey it into words.

“I love you. I don’t want to lose you,” he says as if that was some universal thing that prevents a relationship from falling apart.

Dan reaches out over the table and Phil does the same, and their hands intertwine for a short moment. It’s enough. It’s enough for now because they need to talk.

“So what are we gonna do now?” Phil can clearly sense insecurity in Dan’s voice, and the lack of ideas.

“I think we just need to talk things through.”

“What things?”

“Vegas. And what happened when you came here last time.”

Dan closes his eyes for a moment and presses his lips together. Phil isn’t sure if he’s angry or scared or maybe something completely different. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Dan, did I… Did I hurt you that much?”

That’s one of the things Phil’s been afraid the most. He’s been acting very heartless recently, uncompassionate and sour, and it’s not like he has any excuse for that – but he didn’t want to make everything worse. He didn’t want to make Dan suffer.

“Jesus, no. I just don’t think it will help. Maybe it could help if everything weren’t so fragile already because now I keep thinking that one false move would be enough to shatter all that we have into pieces and I really don’t want that.”

Phil nods, even though he doesn’t agree. “I think that we can’t make anything worse. And the fact that we are here, talking with each other – that’s a lot. I think we should use this chance to make things better because ignoring the issues won’t help anymore.”

“So what are these issues?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe let’s go through everything?”

“Okay,” Dan whispers but he doesn’t seem to be sure if this agreement is a good decision. Phil knows – or he’s almost sure – that talking is their lifeline. If they won’t confront their problems, everything will just start to simmer and boil. Phil might not be a kind of guy to voluntarily involve himself in battles but if something is really important to him, he’s going to fight for it with all his strength. His relationship with Dan undeniably counts as such a thing.

“So what happened in Vegas? That’s when everything started to go downhill, right?”

“I’m sorry, Phil.”

“I’m not telling you it’s your fault. I just want to understand.”

He does, he really wants to understand, at least partially, what was the cause of Dan acting so weird that unfortunate night. Dan looks like engaging in this conversation is emotionally wearing him out and Phil makes a note in his mind to tell him that he’s proud.

“I don’t know, I was just so angry. I think I felt guilty because I shouldn’t have even been there in the first place.”

Phil understands it to some extent. He had sponsored their vacation, so that they could be free, at least for a short moment, and he thought that it was something they both needed. Dan didn’t have enough money but Phil could never blame him for that. He just wishes he knew that Dan felt uncomfortable because he had absolutely no idea that it was an issue.

“Please, don’t say that. We are together and I have no problem sharing money with you.”

Dan’s cheeks get pink and his voice gets quieter. “But just think how it looks like. If you told anyone about it, they would immediately call you my sugar daddy.”

Phil needs to fight the urge to call this whole thing a big bullshit. “I don’t care. We both know that it isn’t like that.”

“Well, the world doesn’t know.”

“I don’t care about the world. Does the world have feelings? No. And I have.”

“Wow.”

“It is true. The world is just a philosophical concept, nothing else. Totally worthless.”

“You sound like me.” Dan laughs shortly. Phil is just surprised by the things he’s just said. He didn’t think that the world didn’t matter when he was alone here yesterday. Now, when they’re together, Dan is the only person that is of any importance. Maybe that’s how it always should be.

“Although I must say that the world is real. It doesn’t exist only in your mind, it is here, right there.” Dan taps the floor with his heel.

“It’s the Earth, not the world. The Earth as a planet - that exists, yes. But the world is just a concept.”

“And therefore we shouldn’t care?” Dan asks slowly.

“Exactly.”

There is a short moment of silence during which Phil is still overwhelmed by the things he’s told. Maybe it is easy. Maybe it’s just a matter of saying to yourself that you don’t care and repeating it in your mind every time you need it. Even if it’s going to be hundreds of times. But then Dan speaks out and all hope vanishes from Phil’s heart as a cloud of cigarette smoke becomes invisible and disappears from the air.

“But it’s hard not to care.”

Phil sighs but then an idea comes up to his mind. He gets up and quickly goes to the living room to grab a writing pad and a pen. When he comes back, he’s greeted by Dan’s confused expression but he doesn’t say anything, he just sits at the table and writes a single word.

“Money? What is that supposed to mean?” Dan stands up and looks over his shoulder at the sheet of paper.

“That’s the issue we need to work on.”

Then Phil remembers another thing and writes down  _ anger _ .

Dan sighs and encircles the table to sit down again. “Can’t we just find an outlet for this anger in biting each other?”

Phil can’t help but cringe painfully. “Please, don’t remind me of that. At least not in a joking way.”

He writes down the next word.

“Have you really just written  _ sex _ there?”

“Yes, because I think that what I did last time was too much. We need to define some limits.”

“Phil, I would have told you if it was too much.”

Phil looks at Dan thinking that the only thing he’s sure about is that he loves him. He’s going to do anything to save their relationship and he is determined to become a better and more mature person.

Then he stares down at the sheet.  _ Money _ ,  _ anger _ , and  _ sex _ . It looks more like a bad slogan for a film than a list of problematic things from their lives. It might not be everything - but at least that’s something more or less specific for them to start to work on.

He gives Dan a faint smile and reaches for his hand. He might not know what he’s doing but at least he has hope.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Sade – _Smooth Operator_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	6. Although my face is straight, it lies

It’s going to be a hard week. Dan is having afternoon shifts which means that they won’t have any chance to see each other until Saturday. It hurts a bit, it’s kind of sad and it always makes Phil uneasy because they don’t even talk during this time. Phil is at work from the early morning hours until afternoon and Dan’s shift ends at midnight. They sometimes talk at night but that’s the time when Phil is usually asleep and the phone calls wake him up – it isn’t the best solution, and it surely isn’t an acceptable prolonged solution. So they’re trying to somehow deal with the fact that they’re missing each other, usually simply by repressing their feelings. It doesn’t really help of course, and the fact that neither of them is very patient makes everything even harder.

There were actually a few times when Dan called Phil’s office, pretending he was a customer.

 

_“Good morning. This is Bartle Bogle Hegarty, my name is Philip Lester, how can I help you?”_

_“Hello, Mr. Lester.”_

_“Oh. Hello, Mr. Howard.”_

_“Howard? You’re an idiot.”_

_“So you are interested in our advertising services, I reckon?”_

_“I’m very interested, indeed. I would be interested in you advertising your penis for me. But only for me. I’m not gonna share all the goods with the world.”_

_“Alright, I see. What kind of advert would it be? A tv spot? A billboard? Something different?”_

_“Oh, I definitely need it recorded.”_

_“Great. Do you have some initial ideas how it could look like or would you rather leave it to us?”_

_“I have so many ideas, Mr. Lester. I think we’ll have to make an appointment to discuss it. I was thinking of including some leather, you know? I presume it would add to the final effect but I would like to know what you think of that.”_

_“We can absolutely discuss it personally, just like you suggested. What day would be good for you, Mr. Howard?”_

_“Saturday. I fucking miss you.”_

_“I think I can relate. Yes, that would be a great date.”_

_“I’ll be at yours in the morning. I don’t know when exactly.”_

_“I am free at that time.”_

_“That’s good, Mr. Lester. Very good. Look forward to trying out some of my ideas.”_

_“I can’t wait.”_

_“Okay, goodbye then. Love you.”_

_“Have a nice day too, Mr. Howard.”_

 

The memory is warm and sweet and it makes Phil’s morning hundred times better. Maybe it shouldn’t, maybe this small thing stuck in his mind is problematic itself – it clearly shows that they are hiding. Maybe in the perfect world, Dan could visit Phil at work during his lunch break, maybe he could even give him a quick peck on the lips. Well, one could dream.

Maybe it’s silly to be bitter about it, maybe he just needs to accept it. He can be with a person that he loves, he only needs to watch out and be careful. He needs to be quieter and less visible than the rest of the humanity for everything to be good. The question is – does Phil want to maintain the specific order of the world or does he want to be at peace with himself? Everything seems to be very difficult and complex and it’s honestly so easy to get lost in this haze.

Phil would like to just be with Dan and talk with him, talk with him for hours. Their last conversation went quite well and Phil is full of motivation to keep them on the right track and continue this, try to heal their relationship, dig dipper and find out all those issues buried somewhere in the hard, cold ground, a couple of feet under the surface. He believes that they will succeed, and maybe at some point everything will be just as it was in the very beginning – sweet, warm, and full of hope.

 

_Phil got lost. Of course he got lost, he’d only been in London a few times and now he’s going to live here, in this giant city where every street looks exactly the same and where it’s impossible to remember where you are after making one single turn at an intersection._

_He has a job interview soon and getting lost on his way there is quite a good method to fuck up his entire life. He has no other choice than to ask some strangers for giving him directions, he thinks, and that’s when he sees him – a young man with a mass of medium-length curly hair, wearing light blue jeans and a denim jacket, just a couple of feet afar from him. Phil tries to convince himself that he only wants to ask this guy for help because he’s the first person that happens to get in his way - but god damn it, he looks like a model and a chance to talk to him is too appealing to just waste it._

_“Excuse me, are you a Londoner?” he asks when the guy is near and he’s met with a confused expression. Well, maybe that’s not the best way to start a conversation._

_“Is this some kind of a survey? Because I don’t have time really…”_

_“No, no, I just got lost.”_

_The stranger seems to relax a bit. “Oh. Okay. Where do you want to get then?”_

_“I don’t want to bother you, I’ll ask someone else. You said you had no time.”_

_The guy only waves his arm. “I just hate answering personal questions and I thought you were a pollster. So?”_

_Phil’s really wondering if he should just walk away, he doesn’t like being a problem to other people. But the stranger is still looking at him and then Phil decides – fuck it._

_“Do you know where’s the BBC Broadcasting House?”_

_The guy’s face lights up and he looks like he’s now on a mission to help Phil – he seems to become concentrated and quite determined. He points in some direction with his outstretched arm._ _Phil also realises that he has a nice-looking nose._

_“Yeah, you need to go there, straight all the way to those traffic lights. Then you need to turn left and then go straight on again for about two hundred feet maybe. And then you must take the street on the right. I don’t know the name of it unfortunately, but at the end you can find the Langham Hotel. That’s a huge building, you will see it. And then…”_

_“Wait, wait. I think I’ve already forgotten most of it. Can you… Can you please repeat it?”_

_They look at each other for a moment. It seems a bit weird but also kind of pleasing, if you ask Phil._

_“Maybe I’ll just go with you. I’m heading in that direction anyway.”_

_“Oh, really? Thank you. I’m new to London, and I am terrible at reading maps.”_

_The stranger starts walking and Phil follows him. His steps are quick, really quick, and Phil presumes he’ll be a big sweaty mess when he gets to the BBC headquarters._

_“Do you have a map with you?”_

_“Yes, I have. But I don’t even know where I am right now.”_

_The guy laughs surprisingly loud and this sound warms up the inside of Phil’s chest, for some unexplainable reason._

_“Are you from London?” he asks, just to keep up the conversation._

_“Yes. I guess you’re not from here,” the stranger smiles slightly. “Are you some kind of an expert that got invited to the radio?”_

_“Oh, no. I’m having a job interview there.”_

_“Okay, good luck for you then.”_

_“Thank you.” Phil doesn’t really want this conversation to stop. It seems natural – much more unconstrained than any other interaction he’s ever had with a stranger. Phil is only comfortable talking to his family or friends, his social skills are nearly non-existent and it’s surprising that talking with this boy seems to be such an easy thing to do. “Are you heading to work? Or school? I really don’t want to bother you.”_

_“You’re not, don’t worry. I’m starting work later today.”_

_“Where do you work at?”_

_He laughs again, but this time quieter. “You don’t wanna know.”_

_“I want.” Phil bites his lip. Jesus, he’s always so weird. “I mean, not if that makes you uncomfortable. I’m just not really judgemental.”_

_“Good to know. I’m still not gonna tell you that.”_

_It’s somewhat releasing to see that this guy doesn’t get easily offended. He seems to be light-hearted, or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck._

_“That’s okay. I can tell you some stories about my life if you don’t want to say anything.”_

_At this point, Phil is surprised by how often this guy laughs. Phil could say the unfunniest joke on earth and he’s almost sure that he would still hear this laugh in a response. It seems kind of lovely, like an adorable feature._

_“Is it some sort of reward for me for guiding you to the BBC building?” he asks with a slight smile on his lips and Phil tries to activate some source of inner power that would prevent him from blushing. He’s sure that his cheeks are getting red at this point. He needs to stop reading so much into what this stranger is saying, it can’t have that much significance. It’s just a friendly conversation._

_“I can buy you coffee if that would satisfy you more.” Phil tries to say something funny but it ends up sounding flirtier than he intended._

_The guy still smiles at him. “Are you gay?”_

_Phil is so shocked that for a moment he just stops moving. He isn’t even sure if he’s still breathing. It’s not possible that some man that he doesn’t even know exposes him like this, right now – in broad daylight, right here – on a London street, where literally anyone could hear them._

_“It was just a joke,” he says and Phil in a magical way can only think about the fact how young he looks with the embarrassment painted all over his face._

_They continue the walk when Phil finally can move again and they are walking side by side in silence. It’s weird, it’s so fucking weird but it’s also kind of liberating, in the way Phil has never thought he would be able to experience._

_“How did you know?” he asks quietly without even a shadow of self-consciousness in his voice._

_“So you… so you really are. And you are really telling me that.” The stranger sounds flustered but Phil can’t help getting defensive at that kind of answer._

_“Is it so bad?”_

_“No, I just wish I could be as straightforward as you, to be honest.”_

_“Are you?”_

_“Straightforward? I’ve just said I’m not.”_

_“No, gay. Are you?” Phil isn’t sure what he’s actually doing. He had never been so open, especially with a complete stranger. The guy slows his steps down and looks at Phil. There is a smile on his face again, and he sounds more confident when he speaks this time._

_“I like girls too.”_

_“So what about that coffee?”_

_He laughs and Phil realises now that he has dimples. It’s a sweet sound combined with a sweet look and Phil just stares at him the whole time, watches his cheeks getting slightly pink and his eyes getting slightly teary from laughter. Then he calms down, looks around and points at a café on the opposite side of the street. “There. Saturday, five in the evening.”_

_“Alright.”_

_“I’ll write it down for you. The name of the café and the name of the street, so that you don’t get lost. Or so that you can show the note to someone and ask them where it is.”_

_“I didn’t ask for shaming.” Phil’s voice gets deeper, so much that he’s surprised by it. He takes the piece of paper and stares at it for a moment, as if to make sure that it isn’t some kind of a joke._

_“BBC is right there. Good luck.”_

_“Thanks,” Phil says, but the stranger already starts to walk away. Then Phil realises that he doesn’t even know his name._

 

Phil didn’t get this job at BBC in the end – but he got a boyfriend. Fair enough.

He can’t even describe how weird was the first time he and Dan met. It seems as if the universe had decided to surprise them in the most ridiculous way because they were destined for each other and just needed to meet. Dan doesn’t agree with that, he thinks that it was nothing but a very odd coincidence. No matter the reason – they met and Phil still thinks of it as one of the best moments of his life.

 

_“So you got here.”_

_He sits there at the table in the café where they decided to meet again, looking so gorgeous that Phil almost gets jealous._

_“I did.”_

_“Did you get lost?”_

_“Well…”_

_He bursts out with laughter. “I knew it!”_

_“But I got here.” Phil sits at the other side of the table, unable to turn away his glance from this beau idéal for even a second._

_“You did. I’m glad actually, it’s nice to see you.”_

_“It’s nice to see you too. My name is Phil.”_

_He presses his lips together for a moment and then smiles. He looks a bit provoking, but not in a mean way. “Do you need to know my name?”_

_Phil gives the smile back. He wants to play games? That’s interesting. Phil doesn’t mind playing for a while._

_“I don’t. How should I call you then?”_

_“I don’t know, you can call me Mr. Pigeon. Just make something up.”_

_“You don’t look like a pigeon.”_

_He puts his elbows on the table and rests his chin in his hands. “I don’t?”_

_“No, you look more like a seal.”_

_“A seal? A fucking seal?”_

_The noise he makes sounds more like a squeak and Phil laughs at his reaction. There is something very adorable in the way he pretends he’s highly offended by what Phil said. Phil likes him. He really, really likes him._

 

 

_“My name is Dan.”_

_They are at Phil’s apartment, they got here after they finished their coffees. It’s hard to flirt with so many pairs of ears and eyes around you._

_“Nice to meet you, Dan.”_

_“You've said that already.”_

_Phil doesn’t really know why they are still standing in the hall. He is the host here and he should probably suggest going to the kitchen or to the living room and sitting down but he doesn’t, and they are just standing there staring at each other._

_“I didn’t know your name. Also, I’m really happy that I got a chance to get to know you, so you deserve to hear it twice from me.”_

_Dan comes closer. Phil can’t help but overflow with the feeling of satisfaction that he can finally call him by his name, even if only in his mind. “Oh, that’s really nice. But you know what else would be really nice right now?”_

_“What?”_

_“This.”_

_He kisses in a way that reminds Phil of a bird. Dan’s lips on his own are like a pair of wings, they flatter gently and they are soft like feathers. It’s one of the softest kisses he’s ever had with anyone and it makes him feel light like a balloon, and it makes him want to fly._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Tears For Fears – _Watch Me Bleed_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	7. Memories fade but the scars still linger

The first thing Phil does after waking up and putting on his glasses is opening the window. It’s autumn but it isn’t really cold and the air that flows in is just refreshing, like a chilly breeze. Maybe it would be a good idea to go outside with Dan. He comes today because it’s Saturday – finally – and neither of them has to work.

Phil can’t wait to see him but it’s too early yet. It’s 8 a.m. and Dan is never awake at this time during weekend, especially not after working until midnight on Friday.  

He makes his coffee, as always, and then goes to the living room to sit on the couch and watch television. He chooses a documentary about nature. He watches South American tropical rainforest, feeling some admiration for the variety of fauna and flora as he listens to the soft voice of David Attenborough. He needs to admit that he likes the bit that shows rain the most – the sound of it is soothing and the forest looks kind of nice with heavy drops falling onto leaves and with the ground soaked with water.

Then he goes to the kitchen to make himself some toasts and comes back and eats them on the couch. The morning is so boring when he waits. He doesn’t know what to do with himself so he just lays down and glues his eyes to the tv set and to the images of poison dart frogs.

Dan comes shortly after 9 a.m.

“You’re early,” Phil says after letting him in and closing the door.

“I missed you.” Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s waist and doesn’t let go for a while. His jacket is a bit wet – it must be drizzling outside. He also smells like rain, and Phil wishes it could always be like this. He wants Dan to come home every day, bringing the scent of the outside world with him, even if it’s just the smell of the exhaust gas. He wants to feel his skin, hot from the sun during summers, and he wants to see the snow on his scarf during winters. Phil wants this apartment to be full of Dan – full of his scent and full of his energy, just full of him, always.

“Is everything okay?” he asks when the silence gets too long and Dan still doesn’t move away.

“I wanted to tell you something.”

It’s like a brick falling on his foot only with the exception that the foot is actually his heart and the brick is actually a giant stone and it pinches his veins and prevents the blood from circulating through his body.

“No, no, please, don’t panic. Nothing terrible happened,” Dan tries to reassure him by putting a hand on his shoulder but it doesn’t make any significant difference to how Phil’s feeling right now.

“I’m not doing anything,” he whispers because he isn’t sure if his voice is still working.

“You’re scared.”

“I am.”

The hand travels down Phil’s arm. “Don’t be. Please, don’t be.”

Phil takes a deep breath. He doesn’t know what’s going on but it also means that there’s no need to worry yet.

“Do you wanna sit down?” he asks a silly question just to get them out of the hall because he feels like he needs more air and more space.

“Yeah.” Dan takes off his shoes and jacket and goes to the living room but he doesn’t sit down. He turns around to look at Phil and his expression is apologetic already, which does nothing to calm Phil’s nerves.

“It’s nothing horrible, Phil. No one died, no one’s sick, I’m fine, everyone’s fine. Okay?”

“So what’s going on?”

Dan sits down on the couch and Phil does the same. It must be something serious because Dan doesn’t speak immediately. He doesn’t relax, he sits with his elbows propped on his knees and his head in his hands. His shoulders look tense and Phil wonders if he would even want to look him in the face right now.

“Something… something had happened shortly before we went to Vegas. I saw my father.”

“What?” It’s not something what Phil expected. Dan has lost contact with him ten years ago.

“He came to my house.”

“How – how did he even find you?”

“I honestly have no idea. He must have asked some of my relatives or neighbours, I don’t know.” Dan looks up at Phil this time. It shouldn’t feel like something is breaking at this exact moment, but it does. It feels like they’ve build a wall between them and now this wall collapses, Phil just doesn’t know yet if they will get crushed by it or not.

“What did he want from you?”

“He wanted to say sorry.”

Phil tries to stay calm. He really wants to stay calm but his insides start to boil.

“It was so embarrassing, Phil. Because he came to my apartment and it was Tony who answered the door and he was like ‘I am Dan’s father’ so I went there and I couldn’t recognise him. And it was just so weird because I didn’t know what to do and Tony saw everything.”

Dan talks disconnectedly and hastily and Phil would like to do something to calm him down but he doesn’t really know what would help. He doesn’t want to interrupt him, Dan came here to tell him some things and it’s clearly hard for him so maybe Phil should just let him do it.

“Dan, please, don’t care about him. So what did you do?”

“We went outside. I didn’t want Tony to listen to our conversation.”

“And then he said he was sorry?”

“Basically, yes. I mean, he also said some other things.”

“Like?”

“I- I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Phil has never seen Dan like this. Dan is not a person that gets stressed out during conversations and backs out. Phil understands it, it’s about his father, it’s a sensible subject. Phil doesn’t even know exactly what happened and maybe it was something really, really bad. He doesn’t know who Dan’s father is as a person, maybe he’s aggressive or mad. The thought itself makes his mouth go dry.

He places his hand on top of Dan’s. He needs to take care of him, and to be able to do it, he needs to calm himself down first. Starting to panic would be the least helpful thing right now, Phil knows it. He needs to make sure that Dan feels safe, he needs to provide him with support, no matter what happened.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asks quietly.

Dan nods. “Yeah, it would be nice if you made me some coffee.”

“I will. Come with me.” He takes Dan’s hand and guides him to the kitchen.

This small walk feels like eternity, somehow. Phil can’t barely even focus on anything but the warmth of Dan’s hand in his own, on the tight grip that in this moment seems like the only connection between them. He lets go of him reluctantly, the echo of the touch still lingers on his skin when he’s taking out the mugs from the cupboard.

Dan sits at the table. As Phil waits for the water to boil, he comes up to him and wraps his arms around him. He doesn’t know what to do, he really doesn’t know. How do you help a person that is hurt when you don’t even know exactly what’s wrong?

The sound of the boiling water seems too loud, but for Phil, it feels like his own thoughts are even louder. The noise doesn’t stop when the kettle turns off, and Phil isn’t really sure if he should move to finish their drinks or not. But he does it and Dan looks a bit calmer when Phil comes back and puts the mugs onto the table.

“He was talking about his live. He has a new family,” Dan says out of nowhere and Phil has no idea how to respond to it.

“I have two brothers. I have two younger brothers that I’ve never even seen.” He blinks quickly. “I didn’t even know that they existed, I wouldn’t think…”

“Shh. Shh, it’s okay.” Phil is right beside him again and holds him. He starts to stroke his back soothingly. Dan isn’t fully crying, his shoulders are not shaking. Maybe it would be better if he did. It’s silent, and this silence is scary, everything is so scary.

Dan pulls away after a while and his face is only a little wet. He looks calm and Phil thinks that he can’t relate to it, he is a nervous wreck right now, and he can’t help it. “Please, sit down.”

Phil does it. Dan wipes his face with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t told you. I’m so sorry. It happened only a few days before our vacation and I didn’t want us to think about it, I wanted us to have a good time there. I mean, I destroyed everything in the end but I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay, Dan. It’s okay.”

Phil isn’t angry at Dan for not telling him. He’s just a bit sad that it escalated and turned into a big issue when maybe it could have been prevented. He’s angry at Dan’s father though. He isn’t sure if this is a rational reaction – maybe not, he doesn’t know what happened – but Dan was hurt by him, so Phil can’t help feeling enraged. Maybe he doesn’t have the right because lately he’s been hurting Dan too, but at least he didn’t disappear from his life for ten years without a word.

“I’m sorry. I thought that I could just forget about it. I wanted to forget that it ever happened but I just couldn’t. And at the beginning it wasn’t that hard but in those last few days in Vegas I became so paranoid. I didn’t want to come back. I was scared that when I came back he would wait for me at my door. Jesus, Phil, I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“Nothing. Please, don’t say that.” Everything seems so much worse right now, when Phil knows that it’s not only anger that’s involved, but also fear. Dan is scared and Phil’s heart starts pounding.

“Did he hurt you?” he asks not even knowing what he would do if Dan answered yes. He feels like he would probably go crazy.

“What?”

“Did he hurt you? Hit you? Did he threaten you?”

Dan shakes his head vigorously. “No, no, he didn’t. Please, I told you that nothing horrible happened. He was calm. We were just talking.”

Phil takes a deep breath.

“Maybe I’m just too sensitive, Phil, I don’t know.”

“No, of course you’re not.”

Phil takes a slow deep breath, once again. “You have every right to feel this way. I’m sorry that I haven’t realise something was wrong.”

Dan presses his lips together shortly before he speaks and keeps staring at the floor the whole time. “Phil, there’s nothing here to blame yourself for. It was only my fault. I should have told you that. And it’s not like I don’t trust you, I just really couldn’t deal with it at that time. I was too scared to talk about it with anyone. Now I know that it was stupid but I just… I really wanted to forget.”

“I’m sorry, Dan. I’m really sorry for you.”

Phil doesn’t know how to feel – he’s torn between shock, sorrow and anger and it all causes a turmoil in his head that is hard to control, or maybe even impossible to manage. He doesn’t want Dan to be hurt and scared but that’s how the things are at the moment, and he can’t really change it. He can only offer his support. He can’t heal a heart broken by someone else.

“You can stay here if you want to,” he suggests, trying to make sure that his voice displays the maximal encouragement.

“He didn’t show up again.”

“You really can stay here.”

They had talked about living together before – but it’s never been serious. They have never planned it, as if that was an option that existed only in their dreams but was unavailable in real life. Now making Dan feel safe is the absolute priority and Phil doesn’t give a fuck about the neighbours or about what his friends or family would think if a poor boy suddenly moved in to live with him. He doesn’t understand himself because he had never really cared about all those things, he has just let the fear overcome him and influence all of his decision. He doesn’t have time to think about it now though.

“It’s okay, Phil. It’s okay. I just… I don’t know, I’m such a mess.”

“Baby, I understand,” Phil wants to say more, he wants to convince Dan to stay here and he’s really determined this time, but he gets interrupted.

“After what happened, I started to think that maybe I’m a bad person, you know? I had told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. And it’s not that I hate him, I really don’t, but I just don’t want him in my life.”

“You have every right to decide so.”

“He never let me decide.”

Dan looks more sad than angry. Phil knows the whole story of Dan’s father leaving his family – Dan had told him that a long time ago – but he had never really thought about how much impact it must have had on the development of Dan’s personality. Of course, he sympathised with the young boy that got abandoned by his own parent. Of course, he knew the consequences of that – Dan was growing up in a poor family and many aspects of his life were a struggle. Still, losing a parent in such a nasty way felt like something that belonged to the past. A sad, awful memory that Dan carries with himself all the time – but a memory that is somewhat behind him, like a heavy, dirty tail.

Now Phil sees that it isn’t like that, it isn’t like that at all. Dan’s father had left a mark, a wound that is there and that still bleeds. A wound that holds Dan back, doesn’t let him live a normal life. Phil has never thought about how much this experience shaped Dan, how much it had made him into a person he is right now. Because it’s not just a sad, painful memory – it’s a part of Dan that has an influence on his current behaviour, on his decisions, on his character. Phil can’t believe that he’s always been too blind to not see this.

He doesn’t really understand it, and he doesn’t have time to think about it now. And it’s not like that one thing that happened to Dan is an excuse for everything he’s been doing, but it makes everything clearer. Dan is lost and hurt. Just talking about meeting his father makes him look like a shell of a person and Phil is terrified, terrified of all those things Dan kept buried deep inside and that had never seen the daylight – up until now.

“You know, when he left us – I still remember that. I was missing him. I was missing him so fucking much because he wasn’t a bad father. He was a good father, and I loved him. We were playing together and going on walks and on vacations and he was buying me toys and I thought that he loved me too. And then he just… left. He didn’t even say goodbye to me. I wish I was younger and wouldn’t remember that but I was eleven and I remember everything. I kept asking mum when he was going to come back and she was always telling me that she doesn’t know, even though she probably knew that he had left forever. She was crying all the time. And then we needed to move to my grandparents’ apartment because mum didn’t have enough money to pay rent. And I love my family, I love them all but it was just hard to live with so many people in such a small place, I didn’t have my own room like in the old place, I didn’t have any privacy really. And I am just… I don’t even know if I’m still angry at him. He’s no one to me. But when he came to me those few weeks ago – I didn’t ask for that. And it made me angry. Because he never asks, he just always does whatever the hell he wants.”

“I understand.” Even though Phil knows the whole story, listening to this now makes him feel like his soul is being crumpled. He understands Dan but he isn’t sure if he can empathise enough with him to know exactly what he feels. It’s too complex and too foreign and Phil’s imagination can’t really handle that.

“I don’t want to think how my life could look like right now if he didn’t leave us. I didn’t want to imagine. But when he came to me – one thing that really hurt me was that he didn’t look poor. Maybe he didn’t look exactly rich but he has money, for sure. And for all those years, ten fucking years, he gave us nothing. Not a single pound. He just vanished and started a new family while we were poor as hell. And it made me so fucking angry because, okay – he didn’t want to see us? Fine. I don’t care. But he had made me. I’m his fucking child. And Abby is his child too. Children are a responsibility. And he just doesn’t care. I could have died and he wouldn’t care, he wouldn’t even know because he doesn’t give a single fuck about me. He could have at least kept sending us some money but he didn’t, never. And when I saw him, I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to ask him how he feels knowing that I’m a worker in a fucking factory because I have no fucking money and what’s his excuse for that but then I decided that he doesn’t even deserve to know anything about my life. I just said that I don’t want to see him anymore. Am I a terrible person now?”

“Dan, you’re definitely not a terrible person. It’s just a hard situation.”

“But it’s gotten worse, Phil. What have I been even doing lately? I’d gotten drunk and violent, then I’ve been scared and tried to isolate myself from you but changed my mind a week later and came here for sex like a fucking bitch.”

“Dan, Dan, calm down.” Phil gets up, his legs are shaky but it doesn’t matter. Dan accepts his touch, and he accepts the hug but still, it doesn’t seem really helpful and Phil doesn’t know what to do.

“I’m just like him, am I? I’m playing with you. I’m playing with your emotions, and I can’t even care about other people.”

“Dan, I don’t think that you are like him.”

Everything seems to break. Dan grabs the fabric of Phil’s shirt and clenches his hands into fists, letting out a sob that is soon followed by another one, and another. Phil feels like frozen for a moment. He can’t really move, but there is nothing else that he could do anyway, other that standing there and holding him.

“I hate myself. I hate myself so much.”

“Don’t say that. You can’t say that.” It wouldn’t really make sense to try and talk to Dan, so Phil only waits until he calms down.

He tries to collect his thoughts but inside of his head there’s only chaos. He didn’t think – he wouldn’t think that something like this could have happened and he isn’t prepared. Maybe he should always have a spare emergency plan for every possible difficulty. Maybe he’s immature or blind, or maybe he’s been living in a bubble the whole time.

“Look, I’m gonna help you,” he says when Dan seems to have stopped crying. “It’s not your fault. It’s something that happened and it’s something that has shaped you. Maybe you’ve been doing things that weren’t the best but you can get better, you can deal with it. We can both deal with it because I wasn’t doing my best lately either.”

“I don’t want to be like him. But I’ve got his genes, maybe he passed it on to me.”

“Dan, no. It’s not like that. You care about people. You care about your family and you care about me. I see that. I see your love every single day we spend together.”

“But he loved me too.”

Phil shuts his eyes close and tries not to leave out an awful sob. It’s not his personal issue, it’s not him who is unloved by his own parent but it still hurts as hell. Dan doesn’t deserve it. He just doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this shit.

And Phil doesn’t even know where to start because there are so many layers to this problem.

“Phil.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s been living in London the whole time.”

Phil’s heart clenches and he can only squeeze out a single sentence. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I mean, I know that it sounds stupid but…”

Phil rubs circles on his back and Dan takes in a shaky breath. “I’ve been scared of going out. What if I see him?”

Phil tries to breathe, tries to stay calm, tries to collect his thoughts and come up with something good to say even though he feels like there’s a hurricane in his head. He breaths in and out, and then again, and again, until he’s able to speak.

“Dan, I’m sorry but you can’t think like that. I understand what you feel but nothing’s gonna happen if you see him. You can cross the street or turn around and leave, you can always come to me or call me if I’m at work.”

“I’m so weak.”

Phil hugs him closer. “No. No, you’re not. I just you to feel that you’re safe, okay? You’re safe.”

“Every time I see a child I think that it might be one of my siblings and this is so terrifying.”

“Dan, I know, but…”

Phil doesn’t want to do anything wrong. He wants to say something comforting without devaluating Dan’s feelings.

“It won’t change anything if you’ll keep thinking about it. London is big. You’ll probably never see them. You might try to reach out to your siblings when they’re adults, I don’t think that it would be reasonable right now.”

“Yeah.”

“Unless you want to. I don’t really know, Dan.”

“It just hurts. And it’s making me paranoid.”

Phil entangles himself from Dan, only to crouch beside him and look at him.

“I’m here. I’m here, okay? You can always count on me. You’re always welcome here and you can stay here as long as you want, any day you want. You can come to my office too if you want, I don’t care anymore.”

“I feel like I’m overreacting. I just don’t understand myself.” Dan looks up and their eyes meet. Phil is overcome with a sudden want to give him all the love that he has, somehow transmit it into his body and mind.

“Give yourself time,” he whispers. “I love you. I love you so much. And I am always here.”

Dan nods and looks down. Phil strokes his thigh in slow, gentle movements, thinking what else he could do, but he doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.

“Our coffees are getting cold,” Dan says in a voice that is firm in a way that tells Phil that he should get up and give Dan some space. And he does, he stands up, sits down in his chair, and takes a sip of his drink that is already lukewarm.

“Can we just do nothing today? Lie in bed all day?” Dan asks quietly, not looking away from his mug sitting on the table.

“Of course.”

 

 

“Your hair smells like rain.”

They are in bed, cuddled up as closely as they can manage. Phil hopes that Dan can feel at least a bit of calmness. He doesn’t answer but his hand travels up Phil’s arm and then down, as a silent signal that he listens.

“I’d been watching a documentary about the tropical forests before you came,” Phil continues in a quiet, gentle voice. “The soils are not very fertile because the rain washes out the nutrients but there is still a lot of life there.”

Dan puts his arm around Phil’s back, hugging him closer.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Tears for Fears – _Memories fade_   
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	8. The Arctic lies I guess in you

It’s the sudden coldness that wakes him up. Or maybe the sudden loss of touch. Or maybe the movement of the mattress and the bedsheets. Or maybe the quiet steps on the wooden floor.

“Dan?”

Phil doesn’t know why he says his name. Maybe he’s still half-asleep.

“I’m scared,” Dan whispers and turns around, probably. Phil isn’t sure because he only sees his silhouette in the faint light of the streetlamps. At first, he isn’t sure if he’s even heard anything or if it’s just a dream, then it hits him that it is actually real.

He gets out of the bed not looking away from this dark, blurry contour. Dan is still standing there, he doesn’t move away when Phil’s getting closer to him.

“It’s okay,” Phil whispers. The floor under his feet is cold, so cold, and it crackles – just once, but the sound doesn’t seem appropriate, it’s too loud for the night time.

Phil doesn’t know what’s wrong. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He tries to hold onto his last resources of mental stability but it all slips away and he thinks he’s going crazy. It’s night and Dan is standing in Phil’s bedroom being scared of something for whatever reason and Phil doesn’t know how to handle this situation.

“It’s okay,” he repeats when he’s close enough to touch him. First, he puts his hand on Dan’s shoulder, and when he’s met with no response, he embraces him.

Dan is like a stone – he doesn’t move, and Phil would wonder if he’s still breathing if he wasn’t standing right next to him. But it’s night and it’s quiet, so soon Phil hears his breath, a bit rushed and unsteady.

“What if he’s gonna do something to Abby?”

Phil’s heart sinks. He just woke up and can’t think clearly. He doesn’t know how to answer, he doesn’t know what to do.

“Dan, it’s okay. She’s okay,” he whispers, holding him close. Dan still doesn’t move but Phil is worried that he could run away. But Dan doesn’t even say anything – he’s just standing. He’s standing and breathing.

“It’s been a few weeks, right? And nothing happened,” Phil tries to reassure him. He can’t really decide if Dan’s fear is rational or not, he’s never been in such a situation. He feels like a child lost in a field surrounded only by a heavy fog that reduces visibility. He can’t see anything and he doesn’t know the way back home.

“I don’t know him. I don’t know what he’s capable of,” Dan says, still not moving. The hug is awkward because only Phil’s arms are wrapped around Dan, and Dan is still like a statue.

“I know. But you said he was calm.”

“He wanted to talk with me. I don’t want him to talk with her.”

Phil tries to look around but there is only darkness, only black and grey and some yellow lights outside the window. Nothing that would help. Nothing that would tell him what to do.

Dan is warm, his skin is warm. His naked chest pressed onto Phil’s is warm, and his back is warm too, Phil can feel it under his palms placed somewhere below Dan’s shoulder blades. Phil can’t see, but he can feel. He can feel the warmth.

He pulls back a little, but still embracing Dan. They are so close that he can see Dan’s face – and it seems rather expressionless.

“It’s been a few weeks and he didn’t do anything. You can… You can visit her. You can tell her not to talk with strangers.”

“I did that.”

“Okay. Okay, then everything is fine.”

Dan bites his lip. “What if he would kidnap her?”

“Dan, no…”

“What if he did that?”

“Dan, please, he won’t do that. He didn’t do that.”

Phil can feel the panic rushing through his head or his body, or his veins – he isn’t sure. It seems so similar to what happened in Vegas – Dan doesn’t seem reasonable, and this time he isn’t drunk. Phil doesn’t know what it all means. He tries to somehow get rid of the thoughts rolling around in his head, but he can’t. He remembers too clearly how it all ended last time, it didn’t end up well because Phil said something stupid and Dan did something stupid and it can’t – just can’t – happen again.

Dan isn’t angry now but he’s scared and Phil isn’t sure if being frightened is in any way better. It’s not easier to manage, that’s for sure.

“You don’t know it. I’ve been here all day and nobody knows that I’m here. If something happened, I wouldn’t even know that.” Dan’s voice is shaky and everything is shaky, and Phil isn’t sure if it’s him who starts to shiver or if it’s Dan.

“Nothing happened. Please, nothing happened,” he says, hugging him closer again. Dan is warm – so warm – and Phil presses his cheek against his and rubs Dan’s back with his hand but he doesn’t know what to say.

But then he thinks that maybe this time everything will end up well because he actually knows what’s wrong. Dan is scared of his father and he is scared for his sister – his behaviour is caused by something, something that Phil’s aware of. This fear has a reason and Phil knows that, he only needs to somehow get in control of it.

“Dan, it’s night, she’s at home. She’s sleeping right now.”

Dan lets out a shaky breath.

“She’s sleeping. She’s alright.”

It’s just breathing. Standing and breathing and darkness and some mess in Phil’s head. But it isn’t violent. It’s scary but Phil understands it. This time – he understands it.

“Sit down with me,” he says, slowly ending the hug, as if trying out if he can do that. Dan doesn’t react, so Phil grabs his hand and takes a step back. Dan follows him and sits down on the edge of the bed and Phil decides to quickly turn on the night lamp and grab his glasses.

Dan doesn’t move when Phil comes back to him and takes a place beside him.

It’s almost calm, maybe because everything is less scary when the lights are on. Dan’s expression doesn’t seem emotionless anymore – he’s frightened, but at least there is something on his face other than the horrifying emptiness. He looks briefly at Phil and then at the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“It’s okay.” Phil doesn’t know why he thinks he needs to apologise. He doesn’t – he’s scared and that’s something natural and just human. Phil would like to know what is in his head – is it an anxious train of thoughts or rather a turmoil without order?

Phil doesn’t have siblings, so maybe he doesn’t fully understand. There are people that he loves though, and he can’t imagine what he would feel if they were in danger. Is Dan’s sister in danger? Maybe, Phil doesn’t really know. Everything is a danger when you just think about it long enough. Is Dan in danger?

It’s strange to ask yourself such a question. Dan is sitting next to him. He is fine – almost. He is safe – theoretically. Phil is a person that tends to panic quite easily and quite often but he doesn’t feel terrified right now. He is scared – but he can think clearly, he can breathe calmly. Dan can’t. Phil is scared but this fear is not overwhelming, he’s in control of it. Dan can’t control his fear. That’s the difference.

“Would you lie down with me?” he asks and Dan nods after a few seconds, and Phil isn’t sure if he considered saying no or if he needed so much time to proceed what he’s heard.

He climbs into the bed and lies down and Phil does the same. They are lying face to face but Dan closes his eyes. Phil isn’t sure if he wants to just go back to sleep, but he reaches for his hand and holds it, to give him some comfort, to show him that he’s there.

Dan doesn’t fall asleep and Phil can tell it because his breath is slightly hitched and his body is tense. It feels like at least a few minutes before he opens his eyes again.

“I just… I can’t calm down, I’m sorry,” he whispers looking so apologetic that Phil almost breaks into pieces.

“Don’t say sorry, everything is fine,” he says and moves a little closer. Dan is looking at him and Phil only hopes that there is no fear in his own eyes and that Dan can see it. He lifts his arm a bit to cup Dan’s cheek.

“You don’t have to be calm. Just be here and breathe.”

They are looking at each other for a long, long time. Dan doesn’t fully calm down, but he is there, and he breathes.   
  
  


Dan has left early in the morning. They agreed to meet in one of their favourite restaurants for a dinner and Phil can’t wait. He can’t concentrate, he can’t focus on reading or watching television, he’s only able to sit on the couch, look at the walls and think.   
  


_ “Do you have siblings?” _

_ They are walking through a street that is nearly empty. It’s an autumn evening and Phil gave Dan his jacket because he was cold. _

_ “I have a sister,” Dan says. “You?” _

_ “No, I don’t have any siblings.” _

_ They walk in silence for a while until Dan speaks again. “Her name is Abby. She’s nine.” _

_ “Does she have curls like you?” _

_ Dan laughs. “She does,” he says and looks at Phil with something in his eyes that Phil can only describe as love. But this love is not for him. _

_ “She’s very artistic and she loves to paint. Her paintings are amazing, I’m telling you. I have a couple of them at home, I need to show you them sometime.” _

_ “I would love to see them.” _

_ “I think I have a painting of myself that I could give to you.” Dan smiles at him and Phil needs to fight the urge to kiss him just right here. _

_ “I will keep staring at it all days long, I promise.” _

_ Dan nudges him with his elbow. “Hey, I was serious!” _

_ Phil looks at him, his mouth turning into a pout. “But I was serious too.” _

  
  
Phil’s been waiting at the restaurant for twenty minutes before Dan came.

“Sorry I’m late,” he says, quickly taking a seat. He’s panting slightly and his cheeks are pink. “I missed my bus.”

“Of course you did.”

Dan looks at him disapprovingly but then he smiles. He looks normal, Phil thinks, he looks completely normal. Maybe it shouldn’t be surprising. Maybe what Phil feels is just some sort of relief.

“And how’s your sister?”

“Good. She’s helping to make a model of a house for drama classes and she can’t stop talking about it.” A big, fond smile creeps on Dan’s face, even though he keeps shaking his head in a pretended annoyance.

“Oh, that’s nice. Is she gonna play too?”

“No, no. She says she’s too shy.”

Phil knows that Dan loves theatre. He was a member of a drama club at his school and it somehow turned into one of the reasons why he was bullied. He knows he shouldn’t bring that up, he doesn’t want to destroy the mood, but he can’t help feeling suddenly sad.

The waiter comes up to take their orders and it’s some kind of a rescue.   
  
  


“There’s one thing that you said to me that’s probably going to change my life.”

“What do you mean?” Phil has just finished his meal and he hasn’t even put down the fork yet. He can’t now because he’s suddenly anxious, so he’s just sitting with the fork in his hand as if he got suddenly frozen and turned into an ice sculpture.

“When you said to me last night that I don’t need to be calm, that was very helpful. You said that I only need to be there and breathe. It was kind. Because sometimes I can’t be calm. I mean, lately. I just can’t, I can’t even really fight with it. And maybe I should just – go with it instead.”

Phil nods and he can’t bring himself to do anything other than putting the fork away and looking up at Dan again.

“I mean, it’s not like it makes everything a lot more easier, but I guess that just thinking about how badly you want to stop being scared makes you stressed out even more.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

Dan seems to be calm and he looks beautiful against the pale yellow wallpaper with regular flower patterns. He looks great sitting on a deep brown wooden chair by the table of the matching colour, in front of a plate with some rests of food and an empty glass. Phil is glad that he has him here.

“I am always there for you. I want you to know that,” he says in a low voice, leaning a bit forward to make sure that nobody else can hear him.

“I know.”

There is no fear in Dan’s eyes. Phil doesn’t want to think that it will be like this forever – it’s alright to be afraid. He’s a dreamer, but he is also realistic. He wants to enjoy the things that he has, even if it’s just a dinner with his boyfriend, in a nice atmosphere. Even if he can’t reach out and take his hand.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Republika - _Siberia_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)
> 
> huge thanks to the lovely people who commented or gave me feedback, also to everyone who reads! <3


	9. Your eyes reflected in the green waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added the eight chapter yesterday so if anyone missed that, i'm just, well, letting you know. have a nice time reading!

When Phil was younger, he didn’t think that life was about loneliness. He also didn’t think that his days could ever feel so empty.

He’s on his way to work and a young woman with a trolley passes him by. She seems to be in a rush. She looks tired, or maybe kind of annoyed, Phil isn’t sure. She is pretty, she has long golden hair tied with a hairband and pale skin. She’s dressed up all white – she’s wearing white trousers and a white oversized sweater. Phil can’t help but imagine how his life would look like if she were his wife.

He isn’t attracted to women – he’s never been. When he was younger, he used to think that this feeling would come, that he just needed to wait. He was telling himself that he was just too immature and childish to be in a relationship. He thought that one day he would meet a woman of his dreams and then he would feel it all – love, passion, and hunger. This desperate need to be with her, the desire to kiss her and touch her, to hold her hand, to see her naked, to tell her about his dreams and to share the most intimate thoughts with her. He thought that it all would come, but it didn’t.

He was never good at flirting and he didn’t really know what to do to pick up a girl. So he was lonely. He kissed a girl for the first time when he was seventeen. He still doesn’t know how he managed to do that. He was so anxious and insecure and it was actually her who tried to talk to him first. She would ask him questions about homework and then – ask for help. They kissed in a school locker, and it was one of the most awkward experiences in Phil’s life. They didn’t know what they were doing and they kept banging their teeth against each other and when they parted, Phil only felt uncomfortable. They didn’t kiss ever again.

And Phil thought that it was just a bad luck. They obviously weren’t meant for each other. He needed to wait for another girl.

And it came – she came. She was pretty and clever, and this time Phil was a lot more confident and he did the first move. They met at a party, in the first week after Phil had started going to university. She was in the second year and he asked for help with getting around the campus. It was obvious that he meant something more by that and she knew it too. Phil saw it in her eyes, intensely green like some leaves. He liked her eyes, maybe because they reminded him of nature so much. He liked her brown hair because it felt nice when he touched it, soft and fluffy. He liked her style. She wasn’t really girly, she was always wearing jeans or shorts and oversized t-shirts or sweaters. She didn’t wear make-up. She was clever and funny, she liked Phil for who he was, she liked his quirks and his personality. Her dream was to be an actress and she was studying theatre, and she used to play some scenes just for Phil. He loved watching her acting. He loved the changes in her voice and her gestures when she was playing different roles. But he didn’t love her.

The first time they kissed – it was at Phil’s dorm. It wasn’t really romantic but she said that she didn’t care, that she wasn’t a princess. He wrapped her arms around her, wondering how strange it felt to have someone so skinny in his arms, so delicate and fragile. He remembers what she was wearing – jeans and a yellow sweater and a pair of big round green earrings. She was smiling and she was pretty at that moment, so pretty, and Phil kissed her. And he felt nothing.

He opened his eyes and looked at her face while their mouths were still connected. Her eyes were closed and Phil felt so strange, as if he weren’t even there. Was he really kissing her? This kiss was better than his last one – their teeth didn’t touch even once, their noses were in the right positions. Everything should be good but Phil felt nothing. He had a strange thought that he could lick a wall and it would feel exactly the same. This thought made him feel ashamed of himself, so he just pulled her closer and kept kissing her, hoping that he would start to enjoy it. He didn’t. Her lips tasted like nothing, like paper, and they were soft but not in a nice way. Phil couldn’t really explain why this softness didn’t feel right. Maybe her lips weren’t really full and he needed time to get used to it. He needed to learn how to kiss her. He needed to get used to touching her smooth skin. It was something new and he just needed time.

He kept learning how to make her happy. They would kiss lying on top of each other and she would put her hand on Phil’s crotch and he would just take this hand away because it didn’t feel right. It felt so wrong because it was something he didn’t want at all. It just felt wrong when she was touching him in the intimate places, but he couldn’t explain it. Sometimes he would let her do it because he thought that it was something he was supposed to do.

He remembers the first time he saw her naked. And he felt wrong, he felt like a creep who was doing something he wasn’t allowed to do. He didn’t know what to do with himself. She was pretty, she was aesthetically pleasing, but he didn’t feel a longing to touch her. She wanted to touch him. She came closer and pressed her body onto his. He could feel her breaths against his chest and he thought that it would turn him on but it didn’t. She whispered in his ear that she needed him. Her hands on his cock had made him hard, but it just didn’t feel right.

He tasted her. Tasted the wetness between her legs and he listened to the noises she was making. He was trying to be gentle and he must have been doing a rather good job because she kept encouraging him, and she didn’t want him to stop. He made her come like this, just with his mouth and his tongue. She’d been always saying she was progressive. Afterwards, she said she liked that he did it to her instead of wanting to have classic sex straight away. She said he was different than every other guy she’d ever met.

She knelt in front of him and took him in her hands and Phil needed to close his eyes because it felt wrong. At that time he just told himself that he had closed his eyes because of the overwhelming pleasure. It wasn’t like that. He kept imagining that she was a man, that her hands on his cock were bigger. He wanted to feel a stubble on his balls when she was taking him in, and not a soft, delicate skin of her chin. He came on her but in the second his come got on her body, he wanted to wipe it off and forget that it had ever happened. He felt disgusted with himself for having thoughts like this, for imagining that she was someone else. He thought he was stupid.

They didn’t have sex again. He kissed her, just once, hoping that everything would somehow come to normal but it didn’t. He took her lower lip in between his own and closed his eyes. He remembers exactly what he thought at that moment – _I could be kissing a man, I could be kissing a man right now and it would feel better._ He didn’t end the kiss after that. He kept kissing her, making it more and more intense, hoping that it would erase all the bad thoughts he was having. It took him a long time to realise that these thoughts weren’t actually bad, and that there was no way to erase them.  
  
  
  


_“Joan, I don’t think that we should be together.”_

_He said it. He said it, looking her in the eyes, and he is absolutely terrified._

_“What do you mean?” she asks calmly, taking a seat in his old armchair. Phil sits down too, but on the bed. He doesn’t understand why she is so composed and unconcerned. He’s still waiting for an outburst._

_“I think that we should end our relationship. That’s what I mean.”_

_She doesn’t look angry or really sad, but she seems to be surprised. “Why?”_

_It’s a difficult question. It’s maybe the hardest question anyone had ever asked him._

_“I don’t think that I love you.”_

_His heart starts to pound, he can hear the rhythmic pumping of the blood inside of his head. He has never said to anyone that he doesn’t love them, up until now, and it feels cruel. It makes him feel awful._

_“You don’t think so,” she repeats slowly in a blank voice._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Phil thinks that this is the end, that she’s going to get out, maybe shutting the door behind her with a loud bang. She doesn’t, she only looks at him with her sad, green eyes._

_“What is wrong with me?”_

_Phil is suddenly on the verge of tears. He didn’t want to hurt her. He never, never intended to hurt her. “Nothing. I swear that there is nothing wrong with you. It isn’t about you, it’s about me. You are perfect, Joan.”_

_She bites her lips. “Do you have someone else?”_

_“No, I don’t.”_

_“You don’t have to lie to me.”_

_Phil doesn’t want to talk. He wants it all to end, he wants to climb under his bedsheets and never go out and have to face the world again._

_“I don’t have anyone.”_

_“But you like someone.”_

_“No.”_

_The silence falls between them and Phil can only hear the birds twirling outside the window. It doesn’t match the situation. “So what does it mean? Why, Phil?”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“What did I do wrong?”_

_She really wants to know, and he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe he’s just always been a coward._

_“Nothing. I just… I can’t feel anything.”_

_Now her expression turns angry. “You didn’t feel anything for the whole time and you are only saying it now?”_

_Phil takes a deep breath. He wants this terrible guilt to go away, just disappear, but maybe the truth is that he deserves it._

_“I thought I was feeling something because you are everything a man could ever dream of. I wanted to love you, but I couldn’t. I can’t. All I ever felt was admiration. It wasn’t love but I hadn’t realised it.”_

_She gets up. Phil stands up too, feeling like someone who was convicted to death and now waiting for an execution. She comes near and looks him in the eyes, maybe for the last time, and traces her fingers down his chest, so gently that Phil barely even feels it. It’s like a touch of a butterfly._

_“I don’t understand you, Phil, but I wish you the best.”_

_Phil doesn’t even tell her that he wishes her the same. He watches her back and her legs and her hair when she moves away. She watches her hips swaying with her steps for the last, final time. She goes out quietly closing the door behind her, and he starts to cry._   
  
  


Now he thinks about it again, about her, and how easier everything would be if he had a girlfriend. He’s twenty-four, he could be a married man right now. He could be a father. His parents keep asking him if he had found someone every time he comes to visit them and he always feels like something dies inside of him when he says that no, he hadn’t found a girlfriend, he’s still single.

He thinks about Dan and it makes his chest ache. He would never give up on him and he would never replace him, he just wishes that everything was easier than it is. He wonders if everything would be easier for Dan if he had felt in love with a girl – and not with Phil.

Phil wants the best future for Dan. He wants him to be happy. He isn’t sure if he truly understands what love is, but he wants Dan to have a happy life. At the same time, he can’t imagine his own future without Dan.

The truth is that his whole life is just waiting for him. It’s working, eating, watching television, reading newspapers, occasional meetings with his friends and grocery shopping. It’s taking showers and walking around the city to find a new restaurant where they could have a dinner or an interesting place they could visit. Phil thinks about Dan all the time, in nearly every second of his existence. Dan is usually away, so Phil is just waiting for him.

He’d been waiting for him for twenty–two years. Then he met him – and now he’s still waiting.  
  
  
  


“I feel so dead.”

It’s Tuesday and Dan is finally there with him. He looks tired but it’s nothing strange considering the fact that he’s having night shifts. It must be hard to abruptly switch and work at night and sleep at day. Phil can’t imagine how hard it must be.

“I think I’ll fall asleep if I only lay down but I really wanted to see you.”

Dan kisses him in the hall, and then pulls back to take off his jacket.

“You can go to sleep,” Phil says when Dan crouches to untie his shoes.

“And what about you?”

“I’ll be watching you.”

“You are a pervert, Lester,” Dan says slowly, looking up at him.

“Only when it comes to you.”

Dan stands up and comes near and places a hand on Phil’s chest. He squints his eyes a bit and he looks like he wants to tease him. “I’m glad that I have a special place in your heart.”

Phil covers Dan’s hand with his own. “You have a special place everywhere inside me.”

Dan takes a step back, quickly removing his hand from under Phil’s touch. He raises his eyebrows and flashes his palms at Phil. “Okay, stop right now.”

Phil only giggles and grabs his elbow to take him into his bedroom.  
  
  
  


Dan falls asleep quite quickly. Phil is lying beside him, occasionally tracing his fingers across Dan’s chest or along his arm. He listens to his quiet breath, thinking that there is nothing in the world that could disturb this tranquillity. It isn’t true, but he can dream in his own house. Well, in the apartment he’s renting. He can do it, no one can see, no one can hear, no one can judge him. He can imagine that he lives in a perfect world where he could listen to Dan’s breath every day.

He feels gratitude. He feels so grateful for being here with him, even though Dan is sleeping which means that he’s only physically there. There is a certain comfort that comes from having Dan’s body right next to his, a comfort that Phil doesn’t fully understand, but he indulges himself in it nonetheless.

He doesn’t understand how it comes that he loves him so much and that he couldn’t love Joan at all. And it’s not like Dan doesn’t deserve love – he does – but it’s just so strange and unexplainable. He has never felt anything so strong for another person and he can’t even name the reason for it.

Many of Dan’s qualities are worth loving – but there are also some traits that are bad. Just straight–up bad. The same goes for Phil. He doesn’t know what to do, how to heal them. He can only wish that they would find a solution.  
  
  
  


“Hello, sleeping beauty.”

It’s 6 p.m. and Phil wakes Dan up because he needs to go to work soon.

“Oh, shut up,” Dan growls covering his face with the pillow.

“You need to get up,” Phil says shaking his shoulder until Dan finally gives up and looks at him.

He looks soft and sleepy and Phil wants to kiss him.

“How do you feel?” he asks instead.

“Tired.”

Phil scoots up a little just to embrace him. This is something that gives him a lot of comfort too. He loves it – to be near him, to feel his warmth.

“You?” Dan asks. Phil lets himself get side-tracked by the hot breath sweeping over his skin.

“What?”

“How do you feel?” Dan repeats and starts to place kisses on his neck, but this time Phil doesn’t get distracted so easily. Maybe because he knows the answer straight away.

“I feel good because I’m with you.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Republika – _Bikini death_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	10. I would set the wheels in motion

“How do you feel?”

“Good.”

“But for real?”

Dan’s hair is blown by the wind. The leaves on the ground are moving too, they are swirling and rustling, the smaller ones are sometimes being snatched and carried far away. Phil wishes he could be floating in the air with them, he wants to be torpid and just – let go of everything.

“Better, I told you. Calmer. You?” Dan looks at him and Phil can only focus on his eyes and how good they match the surroundings. They match the wooden bench they’re sitting on and the leaves in the colours of autumn. It’s early, the air is cold, and their breaths form small clouds of vapour every time they speak. It all looks kind of like a scene from a film, and it feels like it – foreign, distant, too beautiful to not have a director being in control over the settings. Phil wishes his eyes could be the lenses of a camera, he wants to imprint this picture in his memory forever – Dan sitting on the bench on this beautiful morning.

“I don’t know,” Phil answers without thinking it through. He looks at the ground, trying to understand the texture of the soil. It’s not like sand that consists of some very small particles that slide against each other, where every grain makes a separate unit, independent from the other ones. Soil is a brown, dirty mass – always. It has a tendency to gather the moisture, but it sometimes dries out near the surface. Today the ground is indeed dry, which is a strange case in England during autumn. Phil would rather smell the earthy scent of the rain. He wants the ground to become a mush, a pulp – so that it can match his emotional state.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks.

Phil is glad that no one is around. It’s shortly past 6 a.m. on a Sunday, and even London seems to be mostly empty. There’s only an old man in the park at the moment, and he’s far, far away. They came here because Dan couldn’t sleep. Phil had suggested that a walk would do them good, but they got tired pretty quickly, and now they’re sitting on a bench in the park.

“I don’t want to stress you out.”

“Phil, I’m not a baby. You can tell me.”

The problem is that Phil doesn’t really know what to say. Morning is not his favourite part of the day, and he hasn’t even had a coffee yet. It’s too early, and too freezing, and there is no rational reason to start a serious conversation when most of the people – normal people – are still asleep. Yet, that’s what’s happening right now.

“I want you to be happy,” Phil says, still looking down. He feels like an old man. Maybe it’s just this weird morning aura that makes him feel this way.

“I want the same for you.”

Dan is waiting for something, Phil can sense that. He’s waiting for a further explanation, for a proper discussion starter. Luckily, Phil’s always been a giver.

“In Vegas, you said that you needed time to think if you still wanted to be with me.”

Saying those words makes him feel even more distant, like he’s really floating somewhere and not sitting on a bench with the soles of his shoes connected to the ground. Maybe if he were barefoot, maybe if he could feel the rugged surface on his skin, the sense of reality would be given back to him.

“I want to be with you. I thought that it should be clear by now?” There’s a slight change of tone in Dan’s voice – it’s a bit deeper and a bit rawer, from lack of a better word. It’s like it comes from the very inside of Dan, from a part of him that is angry and bitter, a part that had been formed a long time ago and that is usually hidden.

“I want you to be happy but I don’t really know what you want.”

“I want you.” Now Dan’s voice is quieter, breathier.

“Is that what makes you happy?”

Phil looks at him and he can’t really tell what Dan might be thinking – he can only tell that starting this conversation has been most probably a mistake.

“I can’t really say that I’m happy right now. I mean, it’s a hard time for me, but I love you and I want to be with you.” There is fear in Dan’s eyes and Phil looks away.

“When I was with Joan, I was telling her that I loved her. And I didn’t feel that,” he says.

“Do you think that I’m lying?”

“No. But maybe being with me is not good for you.”

Phil doesn’t know why he said that loud. It’s something that has been buried inside of him for a long time – the idea that Dan deserves better. He doesn’t want to be dramatic, he doesn’t consider himself a bad person either. Still, something between them doesn’t quite work, and Phil doesn’t really know what that is. The only thing that’s clear for him is that he doesn’t want Dan to be hurting, he wants Dan to have things that are best for him. Now this thought is out – out in the wind and reaching Dan’s ears, reaching the cells of his brain.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

That’s not what he meant. Fuck, that’s not what he meant.

“No. No, please, I’m sorry, I don’t. I just wanted to know what you feel, I would never do that, I’m sorry.” He looks at Dan again and this fear that Dan deserves better comes back – because Phil has just made him scared. Why the fuck did he do that?

“I love you,” Dan says, slowly. “Do you love me?”

Phil makes a pause before he answers. Maybe because his brain just works so slowly on this morning, or maybe because he fears, somewhere deep inside, that he doesn’t really know what love is. Maybe he still hasn’t learned what it is, even though he’s been saying to Dan that he loves him so many times, without hesitation.

Dan’s expression changes, slightly, like a first crack appearing in a layer of snow, a sing that initiates an avalanche.

“Yes. Of course I love you,” Phil says finally. He can’t tell if it’s been too late.

They fall silent. Phil can’t focus on the outside world anymore – on the leaves, the trees, the ground, and the bench. Now he’s inside of his head, thinking about how much he’d just fucked up.

“I’m sorry, Dan. I just… I don’t know how to talk with people.”

“Welcome to the club, I guess.”

It’s still not enough. It still doesn’t erase the guilt he’s feeling. “I’m sorry for being so heartless.”

“When?”

“Always, I think.”

“Phil, you’re not…”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Phil.” Dan interrupts him firmly and Phil stops talking. “Just be here,” he adds in a gentle voice, repeating Phil’s words from a while ago. It’s all so weird, Phil is acting weird and he can’t even tell why.

“I want to kiss you,” he says and it surprises his how desperate he sounds.

Dan looks a bit calmer, and for a moment Phil thinks that he’s going to touch him, but he doesn’t. Instead, he leans toward him. “You can kiss me when we’re home,” he whispers.

“We don’t have a home.”

“Phil.”

“I miss you,” he says because it’s true. It’s always true.

“I’m here.”

“For now.” His voice is bitter and Dan bites his lip, probably at the sound of it.

“Phil, we need to get used to it. We have no choice.”

“We have a choice. You can move in with me.”

It’s not the first time Phil had suggested that. Dan’s reaction had always been the same _– stop joking, Phil – you don’t actually want to spend all your free time with me – oh, that’s funny – we can move to Australia or something, but actually no, we can’t, unless you want me to get bitten by some poisonous spider and die_.

“I have no money to pay rent for your horribly expensive place.”

That’s the first time Dan had ever reacted to this in a serious way and a seed of hope starts to grow and bloom inside of Phil’s heart.

“You don’t have to pay.”

“Phil, I’m not your fucking sugar baby.”

“It’s not like that.”

Phil doesn’t know what to say to convince him, he hasn’t prepared for this discussion. Meanwhile, Dan seems to have a lot of arguments against Phil’s offer.

“You live too far away from where I work.”

“You can find another job.”

Dan stands up. “Yeah. Of course. Because life is so easy.” He sounds so bitter that Phil for a moment thinks he can taste this bitterness on his tongue. He looks so annoyed that Phil can almost feel the waves of the weird energy floating around him.

“I didn’t want to enrage you. I’m just saying that I miss you.”

Dan is still standing. He takes a deep breath, puts his hands on his hips and looks somewhere far away. “I miss you too, but sometimes life is just cruel and you need to accept that.”

“I think that you have a problem with accepting the fact that there are other solutions. You don’t even want to see them. You just cling to what you have and…”

Dan looks at him with utter annoyance in his eyes. He takes a step forward, still boring Phil with his intense gaze.

“Because it’s not easy, Phil. Do you think that I would work in a factory if I didn’t have to? It’s just the best solution. I could go and be a dishwasher but do you know how much I would earn? Well, I’ll tell you. Not enough.”

“I have money.”

Dan cackles. “Of course you have. But not everybody is so lucky to be born in a rich family, Phil.”

“It’s not my fault!” This time Phil stands up too. He wants to look Dan in the face, not because he’s so angry but because he’s so desperate. “What am I supposed to do? Should I crucify myself? I’ve been telling you that you can share my money, a million times. What else can I do?”

“Not everything is about money, Phil.”

“I see that for you, it is.”

“You’ve never been poor. You don’t know how it feels to depend on someone who lets you down. You don’t know how it feels when you don’t even know if your family is gonna have enough money to survive, but you’re a fucking child and you can do nothing. I don’t want to depend on anybody, Phil. I won’t let anyone ever let me down again.”

It feels like all energy that Phil had has suddenly evaporated, leaving his body numb and weak. He sits down on the bench, almost falls on it, his gaze glued to some trees in the distance because he can’t bring himself to look at Dan right now.

“I’m sorry.” His eyes fill up with tears against his will. Dan sits down beside him, and Phil doesn’t need to look at him to know that his expression shows compassion and worry. He can sense it, he just knows it, somehow.

“Phil, don’t. Don’t cry,” Dan says quietly, touching Phil’s shoulder for a brief moment. Too brief. Phil wants to move closer into the touch, but Dan’s hand is already gone.

“I just don’t know what to do,” he says. Admitting this fact gives him some sort of relief, but he knows that it’s not over. They don’t have any solution. They must find a solution.

“Can’t we just enjoy what we have?” Dan asks.

Phil breathes, and tries to focus on the outside world once again. He tries to collect his thoughts. He tries to regain some courage.

“Dan, I want to be honest with you. I was thinking about our future, and I can’t imagine living my whole life like this. Seeing you on the weekends, and sometimes having dinners with you, I just don’t want to live like that. Can you imagine being forty and still doing it?”

“No.”

Phil is surprised hearing this answer, he didn’t expect Dan to admit that so easily. “So why can’t we just have it now?” he asks.

“It’s hard, Phil.”

“I know. But look, you live with Tony now. He’s a guy. You can live with me as well, what’s the difference?”

Dan leans back on the bench, he looks so wearied that it makes Phil feel bad. Phil’s making him look like this. He’s making him feel tired, sad, and angry, but all he ever wanted was to make everything better. Phil doesn’t understand why everything fails so much, why his every attempt at healing their relationship looks more like scratching the wounds.

“You know what the difference is. Me and Tony work together and we are both poor and it’s quite reasonable for us to share a flat. There is no reason why you and I should live together.”

“No reason?”

Dan sighs. “No external reason. No explanation that you could give to other people.”

“Are they so important?”

It’s a question – an honest question, a pretty normal question in Phil’s opinion, but apparently it makes Dan mad.

“Go on, tell your parents that you’re now living with a boy who is four years younger than you, who doesn’t have proper education, and who doesn’t even have money to pay rent. Don’t forget to mention that you fuck this boy.”

“I do not fuck you.”

There’s a bird, somewhere on a tree behind them, tweeting loudly. And then another one comes flying and starts making sounds that are even louder. Phil for a moment imagines that his soul tears in half, and that one half disconnects from his body, rises and starts singing with those birds. Another half stays where it is, with him, near the ground. Or maybe it could sink, percolate the brown, dirty surface, and rest somewhere in the cold, wet darkness, only if for a moment.

Phil looks at Dan again. His cheeks are suddenly red and his eyes shine in a weird way. “And now we’re starting with this? Do you want to fuck me?” Dan’s voice is hoarse and Phil needs to stop himself from grimacing – at the sound of it, and at the message that it sends.

“No.”

“Do you want to fuck anyone?”

“I respect you, Dan.”

Dan looks away. His breathing is heavy, and he wipes his face with his hands. Phil’s heart is pounding in his chest, he isn’t even sure why.

“I’m sorry. Jesus, I’m sorry.”

Phil doesn’t know what to say, he didn’t want this conversation to look like this, to take this turn. The rational part of his brain is telling him that he needs to stay calm, and that he needs to explain what he wants. But what does he even want? What the hell does he want other than being with Dan, always?

“Don’t get defensive, please. I just want you to think about this, nothing else. I wanted to be honest with you and I want you to be honest with me. We need to talk and find a solution that is good for both of us.”

There is a moment of silence and then Dan nods. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Phil presses his lips together. He has no idea how to make things better if they don’t even know how to talk with each other.

“Don’t say sorry, just… Just move on.”  
  
  
  


In the second the front door closes, Dan kisses him.

“You said you wanted to kiss me,” he says afterwards, pulling back a little to look at Phil.

“I did.”

They kiss again and it feels good – comforting, and warm. For a moment, Phil forgets about all his problems. This moment is very short.

Dan realises that Phil is still sad. He realises because they know each other or maybe something in the way Phil kisses him hints on that. Can a kiss even feel sad?

“I’m here.” Dan says holding Phil’s shoulders. It’s grounding, in some weird kind of way, it feels safe. They are looking at each other, Phil having an internal battle between wanting to kiss him again and talk to him.

“Let yourself enjoy what you have,” Dan says without moving closer. He’s letting Phil decide if he wants it or not.

What Dan said sounds wrong, it sounds so wrong, but Phil doesn’t know how to explain it without repeating himself, and without starting their last conversation over and over again. So instead, he pulls Dan in. Their bodies are pressed together so closely that Phil starts sweating. He doesn’t even have any coherent thoughts anymore, especially when Dan bites his earlobe and when he can feel a hot blow of air on his skin.

“Don’t be too greedy,” Dan says with his mouth still against Phil’s ear and it feels like a stab with a knife.

“It’s not…”

 _It’s not like that_ , he wants to say, but instead he just cups Dans chin and brings their mouths together for an intense, wet kiss.

Wanting to live together with Dan is not being greedy, it’s called fucking love, and he wants to scream it but he can’t because their mouths are still connected, their lips and tongues are still moving and it feels like he is locked in this kiss forever, like this kiss is a cage. But he would never do it anyway, he would never yell in anger, he only ever yells inside of his own head.

The kiss ends, and Phil doesn’t feel anything beside the heat.

“Do you want me to…?” Dan asks tugging on the waistband of Phil’s trousers and Phil just nods. He’s been barely even aware of the fact that he was getting hard, which is weird. It shouldn’t be like this, he shouldn’t be so disconnected from his own body.

This link between his brain and his back comes back in the moment Dan wraps his hand around his cock and starts jerking him off. He feels it, of course he feels it, now it’s the only thing that occupies his mind. Dan’s big hand, those quick movements, the way his thumb slides against his head, smearing the precum all over his sensitive skin.

He takes a step forward, to Dan’s surprise, who stumbles and stops working on him for a moment. Phil guides him toward the wall, until Dan’s back is pressed against it. He leans forward and puts his hands on the wall, on the both sides of Dad. He doesn’t do anything, he doesn’t need to say anything, he just waits for Dan to wrap his hand around his cock once again and pleasure him.

Dan does it, and Phil closes his eyes. It’s not that he doesn’t want to look at him, he just needs to lose himself in something for a moment, in this feeling of delight. Fuck, he needs it so much.

Soon, he’s starts moving his hips, fucking himself on Dan’s hand, quicker and quicker with every other few thrusts. At some point Dan almost stops moving, he just stays there with his hand closed around Phil’s dick and lets him move in the way he wants. Phil is grateful for that. He couldn’t just stay still, he wants to do something, he needs to. His thrusts become irregular, and it’s only when he’s really close that he leans onto Dan, burying his face in the crook of his neck, and lets him do the rest of the job.

It feels so good, so overwhelmingly good to have this hand wanking him off and Phil comes, his legs almost failing to hold up his body in the moment he reaches his orgasm. He waits a few seconds to even his breath and only then he pulls back and opens his eyes. His come is all over Dan’s shirt, but also – fuck, how did that even happen? – on the wall.

“Shit,” he mutters, immediately bringing his fingers to the streamlet of his sperm on the faint yellow paint. He tries to remove it but it’s probably going to leave a stain.

Dan starts to laugh. First, he giggles, but the he breaks out into full laughter, and Phil doesn’t have a choice but do the same. He can’t resist laughing when he hears Dan’s laugh.

“I’ll take care of you, but maybe not here,” he says eventually, grabbing Dan’s hand. Dan only snorts in response and lets Phil lead him into the bedroom.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Depeche Mode – _Leave In Silence_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	11. Don't be afraid to go to hell and back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ IT FIRST!
> 
> In this chapter non-con is being mentioned. It doesn't actually happen, it's not a part of the story, but it is a subject of a conversation (quite a big part of a conversation). If you have any questions before reading, please contact me [on my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/).

The days are passing by. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same – dull, ordinary, sometimes sort of empty. Phil stays the same, nothing changes in this matter either. He’s still a yearning mess. Greedy, how Dan has called it.

Phil isn’t angry at him for saying that. Maybe a bit sad. He is exasperated though – generally, almost constantly. Grocery shopping feels like a waste of time. Going to work seems like a waste of life. He can’t find a place where he could feel well, no matter what he does. The only exception are the moments when he is with Dan, that’s the only time when he feels that he’s living. He’s living, he’s breathing, he’s aware of the warmth of his own body, of his own needs. It’s quite a paradox since when he is with Dan, he always wants to focus fully on him. He wants to remember the texture of his skin, the roughness of the insides of his hands caused by the hard work. He wants to see the picture of Dan every time he closes his eyes. He wants to dream of him every time he falls asleep. He wants to have him at least in form of a delusion, if he can’t have him for real.

Phil is having him now, in this exact moment, on the couch, beside him. The distance seems too big but Phil doesn’t do anything to close it because Dan looks quite uncertain. He only just came in, gave Phil a brief kiss on the cheek, said _hello_ , took off his jacket and his shoes, sat down on the couch. Now he’s sitting there, without saying a word. He’s not looking Phil in the eyes, his gaze is directed towards Phil’s legs. Knees, maybe.

“How do you feel?” Phil asks.

“Are you going to ask me this question every time you see me?” Dan asks, and a slight smile appears on his face. He’s still paying attention to Phil’s limbs only, so the smile seems a bit distant.

“I think so.”

“I honestly don’t know how I feel.” There is not that much sadness in Dan’s voice, what Phil finds there sounds more like acceptance.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. Maybe everything is wrong?”

“No, please, don’t say that.” Phil doesn’t like this conversation. He doesn’t want it to be depressing. He wants those rare moments that they spend together to be as happy as possible. Maybe something happened though. Dan’s father might have contacted him again, or maybe there are some other problems that Phil is unaware of.

“Phil, I was thinking about it, what you said to me last time.” Dan looks up. His gaze isn’t comforting and Phil is scared of what he’s going to hear.

“Okay,” he says hesitantly. It’s only one word but it seems to somehow give away his fear. He tries to calm himself down. Why does he need to panic every time something unexpected happens?

“There is one thing I want to tell you before we get started with this whole living together thing. I’m sorry that I’ve never told you. I didn’t think that it would ever be relevant but now I think that it is. You can hate me for that, I probably deserve it anyway after what I’ve been doing.”

“Dan, please.” Phil wants to reach out and touch him but stops himself. He doesn’t know what’s going on, like always recently. He needs to be calm, he needs to keep reminding himself of that – no anger, no panic, only honesty and peaceful communication. “Just tell me. I’m listening.”

Dan doesn’t answer immediately, so Phil is just watching him. Dan has dark blue jeans on. His sweater has wide navy blue and black stipes. Phil has never seen this piece of clothing and he wonders if it’s new or if Dan has just never worn it when they were seeing each other. How many clothes does Dan have that Phil has never seen?

“I want to come back for a moment to that night in Vegas,” Dan says and it snaps Phil out of his thoughts.

“Okay.” He doesn’t like it. Oh god, how much he doesn’t like it. He thought that they have discussed it already, that they can just forget about it and move on. Maybe it’s a naive way of thinking.

“Well, there was one thing that you said to me that night, that reminded me of something.”

“I think I know what you mean. But I don’t know what…”

“When I was at school… I told you that I was bullied, you remember that?”

“Of course I remember.” Phil doesn’t know where this conversation is going. He isn’t sure if he wants to know. There is a child inside of him that wants to just run to his bedroom, climb onto his bed and cover himself entirely with the bedsheets and don’t listen, don’t hear, keep hiding forever.

“I was bullied because people thought I was gay, I guess. At least that’s what they were mostly talking about.” Dan closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. When he opens his eyes, he doesn’t look at Phil anymore. “There was one time when they said they would rape me.”

Something seems to crush, but without making a noise. _What, what, what is going on_ are the only thoughts first running through Phil’s mind, then replaced with _Jesus, Dan, no, please, no_.

Dan still doesn’t look at him, he’s sitting far away, at the other end of the couch, while Phil seems to keep losing sense of the reality with every passing second. His whole body is like a big wave of nausea and his head pulses with fear.

“Did they…?” he squeezes out, not being sure if his words are even understandable. His tongue doesn’t seem to work, his mouth doesn’t work, nothing works anymore. He can’t even say that. The worst thing is that it would make sense, why Dan never wanted to have anal sex with him, why Dan sat down so far away from him today. Phil has never realised that something was wrong. He feels sick of himself, and he feels sick at the thought of anyone hurting… He has something like a flashback, with the difference that he sees things that he’d never seen with his own eyes. Dan, screaming, and fighting against some force, against a tight grip of too strong arms. _Jesus, no, no, no, please, no._

Dan possibly realises in what state Phil is as he gets up and looks at him with his eyes wide open.

“No. Oh my god, Phil, nobody did that to me.” He sounds scared, or maybe Phil is just too terrified and extrapolates his fear on everything else. Dan comes closer and touches him, and Phil barely even sees this, barely even feels it. But there is a hand on his shoulder, a hand that belongs to Dan, and Dan is saying that everything is alright. “Phil, calm down. Everything is fine. I’m fine. Nothing happened to me.”

Dan’s hand is gone, but only for a short moment. He sits down beside him and then Phil can feel Dan’s arms wrapping around him. This strong, steady embrace is something that he needs right now. Dan is fine, he said that he’s fine. Just – this moment of fear that Phil has just experienced can’t be erased so quickly. His heart is still pounding and he’s still feeling like he’s going to start crying or throw up, or fall apart, he doesn’t even know.

“Phil, it’s okay,” Dan whispers, pressing his cheek against Phil’s. Phil wants to never let go of him because – fuck – he is still so scared. His arms travel behind Dan’s back to pull him closer.

Even a thought of someone hurting Dan like this makes him almost unable to breathe. Is it normal? Phil doesn’t know. He doesn’t even want to think about it.

“So someone said that to you? But they didn’t do that?” he asks realising that his voice is shaky and weak. That’s basically what Dan has said to him, but he needs to make sure. He needs to ask once more, and get yet another confirmation, otherwise he won’t calm down.

“Yes. Yes, Phil, I’m sorry, maybe I’ve expressed myself wrong. I didn’t want you to misunderstand me. You can calm down. Everything is fine, I promise.”

Phil closes his eyes for a moment, focusing on the grip of Dan’s arms, on his quiet breath, on the warmth of his body. Dan is here and he’s fine. He said he’s fine. “I’m just always panicking,” Phil says feeling the guilt settling down in his stomach.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Dan rubs slow circles on his back. Phil tries to even his breath, but he still doesn’t know anything about the whole situation. One of his schoolmates had said something so disgusting, so nasty – how? And why, for god’s sake, why?

“So what happened?” he asks and Dan slightly loosens the embrace to look at him. He seems to be worried and sad, but Phil probably looks exactly the same. Dan sits back eventually, so that only their thighs are touching. He tugs at his sweater nervously for a moment before he speaks.

“There was a guy, called David. We were at school, in the toilets, no teachers around… You know how it is. David, I, and two other guys. I was sixteen at that time. It was afternoon, after classes, I was going to go out when he said it – that I should pull my pants down, and if not, he would rape me.”

“Dan.”

“He said that I would enjoy it anyway. And I was scared. He was too homophobic to actually have sex with a man, I knew that, but there were three of them and I thought that they would undress me or… I don’t know.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“I hit him, right in the face. I gave him a nosebleed and he wasn’t really happy about it. They bit me, and then left me there.”

Phil doesn’t know what to say. His insides are shaking. He feels sick, so sick, and so angry, but the worst thing is hopelessness. He can’t do nothing. It all happened, it belongs to the past. Phil wasn’t there to prevent that, he wasn’t there to help, he wasn’t there to soothe Dan’s pain.

“It wasn’t… It wasn’t that bad. I got up and got home, I didn’t need to go to the hospital or anything.”

“Dan, don’t say that it wasn’t bad. It was.” Phil reaches out for his hand. His left hand. His left hand that was clenched into a fist on a certain day a few years ago, and that might have been covered in blood of someone else.

“I don’t want you to feel guilty, Phil. But when you said to me in that club that anyone could do this to me, it reminded me of that. And I was so angry at that time, and so scared because of my father and I… It’s not an excuse for what I almost did. I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to find an excuse. But last time we were talking you said that you wanted to be honest with me and that you wanted me to be honest with you, and fuck, you were right. That’s how it should have been from the very beginning. I’m sorry that I’ve never told you, I’m really sorry. I know that it doesn’t mean anything now.”

“Dan, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, it was awful.” Phil tries to distance himself from his own feelings. He’ll worry about it later. He can’t bury himself in self-guilt right now, that’s not the right time, he needs to focus on Dan.

He strokes Dan’s hand with his thumb, probably more to calm himself down than anything else. “I know that it must have been hard for you and I don’t want to blame you for not sharing this thing with me before. I’m really glad that you’ve told me, though.”

Dan looks conflicted. He bites on his lower lip so hard that it gets white. Phil wants to tell him to stop doing that but then Dan starts speaking. “Phil, I don’t know if I was scared of telling you that. I just thought that this was stupid. And it wasn’t like they would actually do it, they only wanted to make me scared, or embarrassed, I don’t know. I told you most of the things about my childhood. I told you about some of my fights with other people, and that I didn’t like the environment I was in. I just didn’t want to get into details because I thought it would be pointless. And I didn’t want you to think that I was whining all the time.”

“Dan. These are some really awful things and talking about it…”

“It’s not whining. I know that, I know that now. I’m just stupid most of the time, Phil.”

“You’re not stupid. Not at all.”

Phil could never think like this of Dan, even in the moments when he doesn’t understand his behaviour at all. Dan is trying though, he’s trying to allow Phil to make sense of everything what is going on, to get the picture of what is in his mind. Phil can be only grateful for that.

“You’re so brave,” he says, nestling closer to Dan, who accepts the touch with a quiet hum.

“I really don’t want sympathy, Phil.”

“It’s not sympathy. I admire you.” Their eyes meet and Phil can tell that Dan is moved by those words. It’s all written on his face, in his eyes, in the way he moves his hand to cup Phil’s cheek.

“I don’t want this to happen to you, Phil.”

“What?”

“If someone finds out that you are gay – there are many morons in this world. Many people that are just fucked up and that would hurt you for being different.”

“Dan, I’m save.”

“You don’t know that. You never know that.”

Maybe Dan is right. Maybe the world is much more dangerous than Phil has ever imagined, just because he’d had enough luck to live in an environment that wasn’t deviant. It wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t as bad as Dan’s.

He isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do. What can he offer? Can he guarantee that everything will be fine? Can he protect Dan from all the bad things that are out there in the world? He wants to clench his hands into fists because he’s so fucking helpless.

“Dan, I’m so sorry that it happened to you.”

“I don’t want sympathy.”

“I just love you.”

“I love you too, but please, I’m fine. I’m fine now.”

Phil doesn’t know what to do, so he kisses him. Dan brings his hands up and buries them in Phil’s hair, and Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s back. It is quite desperate, at least that’s how Phil perceives it, but he does nothing to stop himself from clinging to Dan, as if being close would somehow make up for all those bad things that happened to him.

“I love you. I love you so much,” he says breathily between the kisses.

“Phil, please.”

“I do.”

Only in this moment Phil realises how fragile Dan is. How fragile everything is, in the physical sense of the matter. Dan is so skinny, Phil can trail the sharp line of his spine with his fingers. There is a curve of muscles on his arms, coming to view even when Dan is fully relaxed, but Phil wouldn’t describe him as extraordinarily strong. He is strong mentally, but it isn’t all that matters. He was beaten a couple of times. He bit other people a few times too. For Phil, it’s unexplainable how this thin, tender creature he’s holding in his arms has so much to do with violence. And it’s not like he had never thought about it, but in this moment, it hits him more than ever.

“I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about us. I do, but it’s just… It’s so hard,” Dan says and Phil remind himself, once again, that he needs to still his thoughts for now.

He leans back on the couch and lets Dan’s body rest on top of his. Their legs are tangled, Dan’s hands are gripping Phil’s arms and his head lies on Phil’s chest. This might not be the most comfortable position but it’s good for now. Phil wants to have Dan close.

“I know. I’m sorry if I tried to pressure you.”

Dan’s grip tightens and then he relaxes. “Can I stay here for the night? I know that I usually don’t do that but…”

“Of course you can.”

“That’s good.”

Phil couldn’t be more relieved. He wants to be with Dan so badly, only if for a night.

“I still have some leftovers from dinner,” he says, wanting to change the subject, wanting everything to be normal again. “We can have a nice shower together and then eat and watch some films.”

Dan lifts his head too look at Phil. “Did you actually cook something today?”

“I did,” Phil says, not able to hold back a smile.

“I’m impressed.”

They stare at each other for a while, and it’s a pleasant moment. Phil couldn’t ask for more. But then his limbs are getting numb and Dan’s weight on his chest seems to obstruct his breathing, and he needs them both to get up, even though he would rather just stay here forever.

“So what do you say about that shower?”  
  
  
  
In the evening, Phil thinks how good it is to hold Dan in his arms. It’s good to be so lucky and maybe he just needs to learn how to be grateful. Maybe Dan needs to learn how to fight against the demons of his past. Maybe they both need to learn how to care for each other just a little bit more.

Dan’s hair smells like Phil’s shampoo and his skin smells like Phil’s soap, and that’s the last thought Phil has before he falls asleep.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Yoko Ono – _Beautiful Boys_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	12. Touching souls and swapping wishes

_“Your bathroom looks nice.”_

_Phil looks around, even though he knows exactly how his bathroom looks like. “Mhm, I guess it’s pretty normal.”_

_“Well, maybe in your aristocratic circles.”_

_“Hey, I’m not an aristocrat.” Phil shoves Dan with his elbow because Dan smiles, so everything is just a friendly banter. It is, right?_

_“Can I have a shower?” Dan asks as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do – to visit your kind-of-a-boyfriend that you’ve known for a few weeks and ask him casually if you can have a shower. It’s neither morning nor evening, it’s afternoon, and it isn’t even particularly hot outside, so Phil is surprised by this question._

_“Now?”_

_Dan looks down and waves his hand. “Oh, I’m sorry. That was probably weird. Forget it.”_

_“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll get you some towels.” Phil might not understand it but he will not question it. Maybe Dan has some health problems, maybe he’s sweating too much and feels embarrassed because of it. Phil has never thought that he smells bad but this is the first possible explanation that comes up to his mind. Or maybe Dan just didn’t have time to take a shower in the morning and now he feels uncomfortable._

_Phil goes through his wardrobe to find some clean towels and even some clean underwear. He should probably ask Dan if he needs some clothes too._

_When he re-enters the bathroom, he realises that Dan’s looking embarrassed, his cheeks are pink and his gaze wanders between the floor and the walls. Phil doesn’t want him to feel like that, even if he doesn’t really understand what’s going on. He wants to say something to make him feel better, but it’s an incredibly difficult task in such an inconvenient situation._

_“Should I bring you some clean clothes too?” he asks eventually because he doesn’t really know what else he could say._

_“No, no, Phil, I’m sorry. This is so weird.”_

_“It’s fine. You can have a shower. It’s all good.”_

_“It’s just…” Dan’s still staring at the ground and Phil wants to say that he doesn’t need to explain himself, that Phil is okay with not knowing the reason, but Dan is quicker. “I’ve never had a shower in my entire life.”_

_“Oh.” Phil feels somewhat relieved that Dan doesn’t have a skin condition that makes his body ache and burn if he doesn’t wash it frequently enough. “Showers are really nice. I like having showers more than having baths, to be honest.”_

_Dan nods._

_“You can tell me what you like more when you’re done.” Phil is going to get out and leave Dan alone when he hears Dan saying something. He doesn’t understand what though, Dan’s voice is quiet and muffled._

_He turns around and sees that Dan seems to be scared, and Phil has absolutely no idea why. To be honest, he’s never seen Dan frightened so far. It’s been only a few weeks since they met, but still. “What?” he asks quietly, and – he hopes – encouragingly._

_“No, nothing. I’m sorry.”_

_“What did you want to say?” he says in the gentlest voice he can get out of himself._

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_“I… I don’t understand. Is something wrong? Can I do something for you?”_

_“No, no. That’s silly, actually. I’ve just never had a bath either.”_

_Phil doesn’t say anything and maybe Dan takes it for a bad sign._

_“I should probably go.”_

_“Dan, no, please.” Phil stops him by placing a hand on his shoulder. It isn’t a violent gesture, and Dan could easily shake off Phil’s hand, but he doesn’t. He stays there, his cheeks even redder and his gaze directed toward the bathroom door._

_“Maybe it was too much to share, but I guess you deserve to know that I’m poor and disgusting. And I understand if you are grossed out by that.”_

_“Oh god, Dan. Please, don’t say that.” Phil wants to do something, say something, but he’s never been in such a situation, and feels lost. To be honest, he has never had much contact with people from the lower class. He’s seen them on the street, sure, he knew they were rather poor, but he hasn’t been thinking a lot about the conditions they were living in._

_Those people always seemed like a part of a different world, a world hidden somewhere behind a frosted glass. Phil has seen those people, but they were always blurred. They were contours made of some cheap clothes, wrinkly faces, and messy, dull hair. They were just there, they existed, and as long as they didn’t commit any crimes – no one cared. No one cared if they had accommodation, food, clothes, a job, or some school utensils for their children. Well, maybe some people did care, but not Phil. Those poor people were from a different world and he separated himself from them._

_“You do wash yourself, right?” he asks, not because he doubts that Dan cares about the hygiene, but because he simply doesn’t understand. Dan always looks clean, he’s never stinky, he must be doing something. Does his bathroom have a floor drain but no shower set and he just cleans himself up by splashing water onto his body? Phil honestly doesn’t know._

_“Of course.” Dan’s voice is flat and Phil wonders if he offended him. He isn’t sure if it’s appropriate to ask any questions, but Dan doesn’t say anything else, and the silence seems too awkward._

_“How?”_

_“In a bowl.”_

_“Okay,” Phil says, trying to sound completely neutral. He doesn’t know if he’s being successful, but Dan doesn’t move away, so it can’t be that bad. “Do you have hot water in your apartment?”_

_“No. I need to warm it up in a pot. Because, fortunately, I do have a kitchen oven.” Phil can hear this already so familiar note of sarcastic jokiness in Dan’s voice, and for a moment he thinks everything turned out to be fine. Then, Dan sighs and takes a step back. Phil’s hand loses contact with Dan’s shoulder, and for a second, he stays there with his arm stretched out, before he lowers it so that it rests along his side._

_“I don’t know what I was thinking, Phil. You can tell me to get out and stop spreading germs.”_

_It feels like a sting somewhere inside of him, to hear Dan saying that. Phil doesn’t know him well, and he hasn’t known him long, but Dan has a lot more to offer than his poorness. Which, basically, isn’t even something to offer, but Phil doesn’t have time to think it through because Dan is about to leave._

_Phil stops him again. He just stands in the frame of the bathroom door, blocking the way. Dan pauses his steps when he is right in front of him, and looks at him this time, turning his head slightly to the right side and making a grimace of impatience. Phil kisses him, hard._

_Well, not immediately. First, he takes a step forward, still looking at Dan intensely. Dan doesn’t react, they just keep staring at each other for a while, as if it was a silent fight. It isn’t, at least not for Phil. He’s just trying to convince Dan that it all doesn’t matter – his material status, his job, the thickness of his wallet. His bathroom with no shower, and his jeans that are kind of shabby and outworn – it’s all of no importance for Phil._

_Phil is a dreamer, he’s always been. Maybe he tends to think unrealistically because he’s never needed to worry a lot about his life. He’s been always taking his life seriously, of course, he used to stress himself out over his grades and his studies and his possible future jobs. Still, he always knew that he had a place to come back to if something went wrong. His parents were his guarantee that he would always have a roof over the head, that he would always have some money on his bank account. He wanted to be independent, but he didn’t need to worry that he would become homeless if he didn’t find a job on time. He isn’t sure if the same goes for Dan._

_Phil is a person that is definitely better at doing things than saying them – so he kisses Dan. His heart is pounding because it still feels so fresh, so novel. He discovers something new with every kiss they share, and this time he explores the passion of it. The weirdly fierce intensity of their mouths crashing together and the electric touch of their tongues seems to force all the blood between his legs and it takes some self-restraint for Phil to not reach down and touch himself. He can’t understand how it is even possible to become so sexually aroused only by the simple touch of their lips and tongues but he won’t question it. It feels too good to analyse it now, it feels too good to not lose himself in the sensation._

_This intense kissing awakens Phil’s hunger. They are kissing but he focuses more and more on the pulsing of his cock rather than on their mouths. Maybe that’s egoistic but he can’t help it, it’s like all his inner energy has been located right there, and he craves some touch, some pressure on his skin other than the one caused by the too-tight fabric of his trousers. He reaches down and unbuttons them because this tightness starts making him uncomfortable. Dan pulls back a little and when Phil looks at him again, Dan’s eyes are glossy._

_He isn’t sure if he’s ready for that, he isn’t sure if Dan is ready, and they are still in the fucking bathroom which – let’s be honest – is not the most romantic place. It’s probably not the best place for the first sexual intercourse between them that is for sure going to stay in their memories forever. Still, this kiss, and the heat of their bodies being so close together are irresistible, powerful in an unexplainable way. Phil needs a moment to figure out what he wants to do, so he kisses Dan again. Dan clings onto him desperately and Phil realises that he won’t be able to collect his thoughts in a state like this. The taste of Dan’s mouth, his hands wandering over Phil’s body, and climbing beneath his shirt to touch the skin of his back – it’s all too much to still allow him to think clearly._

_“You have no idea how much I want to touch you right now,” Phil says breathily, as the echo of Dan’s mouth still lingers on his lips._

_“Phil.” The noise that comes out of Dan’s mouth is definitely a whimper, and Phil needs to stop himself from pushing his hips forward. He wants to feel that, he wants to know if Dan is as hard as he is right now, he craves some more of this electricity that he’s only ever imagined and never actually experienced._

_“Can I?” he asks, his fingers crawling behind the waistband of Dan’s jeans._

_Dan breaths heavily. His chest is moving rhythmically and Phil places his palm there, just to feel this movement, and to feel his beating heart. “I want you so much, Dan. Can I see you?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Phil was worried for a moment that maybe Dan didn’t want it. He would never pressure him into something he didn’t want. He remembers the times spend with Joan, doing things only because she wanted them. It wasn’t really her fault, Phil should have told her clearly that he did not enjoy having sex with her. He should have explained that it was not because she was too bad at it, but because he wasn’t attracted to her. He never did that. He thought he was supposed to enjoy sex with her, otherwise he wouldn’t be a real man. He needed to prove to himself that he could enjoy it. It failed, and it was so stupid, and Phil doesn’t want Dan to experience something similar._

_Still, Dan’s answer came immediately, and he looks so aroused with his intense gaze and flushed cheeks. His answer seems to be honest. Phil hopes Dan enjoys it as much as he does._

_“Are you sure, Dan?” he asks, because he has to do it. He wants to ask. He wants to make sure that Dan feels comfortable and good._

_Dan doesn’t answer, but instead, he takes off his jeans. Phil is too shocked to react, and he just watches him, watches the newly revealed, naked skin as if it was the greatest good on earth. Hungry, he’s so hungry._

_He gets on his knees right in front of Dan. Dan takes off his boxers as if it was no big deal at all. He tosses them on the floor and now he is just in a white t-shirt._

_That’s the first time Phil sees Dan naked. Fuck, that’s the first time he sees a penis of another man and it feels already like the best day of his life. He touches him, gently, only with the tips of his fingers. Maybe he should have touched Dan’s thighs first, or his stomach, but it’s too late. Maybe Dan is going to think that Phil’s really horny, but it doesn’t matter. Well, Phil is in fact very horny right now. There’s probably no need to hide it. There’s probably no way to hide it._

_He wraps his hand around Dan’s base and receives a quiet moan in response. It feels so good to know that it was him who made Dan release such a sound. It is so goddamn hot that Phil needs to touch himself too. Not touching himself would cause him physical pain at this point._

_He lets go of Dan for a moment to pull off his trousers and his underwear – not completely, only so that his cock is free. Dan is looking at him, his cheeks even redder, but this time – probably, hopefully – it’s not caused by the embarrassment._

_Phil focuses on Dan’s hard cock again. He wraps his hand around the base, moves his it up slightly tightening the grip, and then back down, which makes the foreskin slide down and reveal the pink head. Shit, that looks so beautiful. Phil wants to lick it, just the tip of it, he wants to know how it tastes so much._

_He brings his face closer and he can smell it, this intense, already so addictive scent, when Dan puts his hand on Phil’s head and pulls him back._

_“No, please. That’s disgusting.”_

_“What?” Phil is being ripped out of his dream. “It’s not. It absolutely isn’t.” He can’t understand, so he looks up at Dan in hope to find the answer. He doesn’t find it._

_“Let me have a shower first,” Dan says and now everything seems more clear for Phil but still – not more understandable._

_“I’m not repulsed by you,” he says, standing up to look at Dan. He wants to say all those things that he feels, but he doesn’t know how. He wants Dan as a whole, he wants everything, every part of his body. He thinks that it’s probably too much to say straight away._

_“I feel dirty,” Dan says without even sounding sad. He looks more like a ghost, totally expressionless._

_It hurts again, because Phil genuinely doesn’t care. Dan is not a dirty, sluttish boy, he’s not disgusting – he’s amazing. He’s irresistibly sexy, he’s beautiful, his body is like a sculpture of a Greek god. Phil wishes he had enough confidence to say it all loud._

_“You’re not dirty, you…” He tries to think of some funny invective but nothing comes up to his mind._

_“You what? What am I?”_

_“I just love you how you are.” Shit, that’s… Did he really say that? That’s the first time he said to Dan that he loves him. In his bathroom, with them both naked from the bottom, with their dicks out and hard. This is awkward. This probably should have happened in some more romantic circumstances._

_Dan smiles and brings him closer for a kiss. This isn’t as intense as the last one, it’s mostly just sweet. At least until they move closer to each other and Dan’s hard length presses into Phil’s abdomen. Phil reaches down to bring their cocks together, and Dan helps him. Dan’s hands are bigger and he actually manages to take a loose grip of them both, and in this exact moment, Phil think he’s going to melt. It feels so good that he needs to close his eyes. It is so intimate, yet so natural, yet so overwhelming – and all those feelings are almost too much to handle._

_“I want to taste you,” Phil says, realising that maybe he’s much bolder than he would ever expect. “You smell so good down there.”_

_Dan’s hips jerk forward, and for a moment, he loses the grip of their cocks completely. “Fuck. Phil, you can’t say something like this.”_

_“Will you let me?” Phil doesn’t want to pressure him, but it’s only a question. He’ll wait for an answer. And if the answer is negative, he won’t try to change Dan’s mind._

_“If you really want to,” Dan mumbles, and Phil isn’t convinced with this response. He isn’t sure what it means exactly._

_“Do you want it?” he asks, taking a step back so that Dan can concentrate on what he wants to say, and not on the pleasure coming from the feeling of their dicks sliding against other._

_“I don’t want to disgust you.”_

_“Dan, I can’t even remember the last time when I wanted something as much as I want this.”_

_Phil is almost sure that it’s over. He is respectful and he want Dan to feel respected, he just knows that Dan’s fears are completely inaccurate._

_“Phil, you are…” Dan doesn’t end, instead he brings their mouths together once again. There’s a space between their bodies, so that their dicks are not touching, and this kiss makes Phil want to pull Dan closer and rub himself onto his body until he comes, but Dan pulls away before Phil has a chance to execute it._

_He looks Phil in the eyes, clearly waiting for something._

_“Do you want it? Do you want me to taste you?” Phil repeats, and even though the sound of it makes him realise how pretentious it sounds, Dan growls._

_“God, yes.”_

_It’s enough for Phil to be on his knees again there and then. He takes a deep breath thinking how good it is to be there again, on his knees, and to have such a mesmerising view. He licks the head of Dan’s cock as if it was sweet candy. He’s not using hands, just his mouth. He’s never thought that it would feel so good to do that – to have a hard penis only a few inches away from his face, to touch it, to smell it, to suck it. Phil’s sucking just at the head, not hard, only slightly, but it makes Dan moan. The sound goes straight between Phil’s legs and he has no restraint left. He starts jerking himself off, slowly, even though it’s hard to control himself. He wants to focus on Dan though, and not on his own pleasure. He takes Dan’s cock in one hand, guiding it to his mouth. The skin of the head is so silky and smooth, and he can’t resist encircling it with his tongue a couple of times. Dan buries his hand in Phil’s hair and it feels good, like a silent reward, a tender sign of appreciation._

_Phil pulls back a little to look at the incredibly appealing pinkness and the beautiful form of Dan’s cock. He can’t resist rubbing his cheek against it. When he feels the heaviness of it pressing into his face, he can’t resist jerking himself off a little harder. This has been a subject of his fantasies for so long that experiencing it now feels almost unreal._

_He looks up at Dan only to see that he stares at Phil intensely, with his lips slightly parted and his cheeks still so gorgeously pink that Phil for a moment wants to get up and shower them with kisses. Then he realises that Dan is probably too far gone now, and that standing up and leaving him like this would be just cruel._

_So he wraps his lips again around the head and sucks, and then he lets go of it to give the cock a big lick, from the base to the top. Dan’s grip on Phil’s hair tightens, and Phil only takes it as an encouragement. He places a delicate kiss at the top of the head, which makes Dan jerk._

_“You want more?” he asks, surprised by how low and husky his voice sounds right now._

_“Oh god, you can’t… Yes, I want.”_

_Dan’s eyes are closed and Phil uses this opportunity to swallow as much of him as he can in one, swift movement. Dan’s reaction to it is a loud inhale of breath and Phil would smile if his mouth wasn’t full of cock. And god, it feels good. It must feel good for Dan, but it also feels good for Phil, to move his head backwards and forwards, and have the heavy weight of a dick on his tongue. And to know that this is Dan – Dan is in his mouth and Phil can give him pleasure in such a simple, yet exhilarating way. He closes his eyes and loses himself in it, in the taste and in the sounds that Dan is making. He pulls out only when he needs some breath. He definitely needs practice to be able to hold on for longer._

_He replaces his mouth with his hand and it takes only a few seconds until Dan comes, shooting his cum all over Phil’s face and shirt. Phil is taken by surprise, but he just closes his eyes, still moving his hand up and down, guiding Dan through his orgasm._

_“Fuck, sorry,” Dan mutters when he can catch his breath, and Phil only giggles._

_“That was unexpected,” he says looking up at Dan. He wonders how his face looks like with white trails on it. Dan must find it hot, at least that’s how Phil reads his current facial expression._

_Dan gets on the floor too and they are both kneeling now. “Can I?” Dan asks, placing his hand on Phil’s hip. Phil doesn’t know what Dan is asking for, but he nods anyway. He wants everything that Dan would like to give him._

_Dan wraps his head around Phil’s cock and for a moment, Phil thinks about Joan. That’s been the only person who had touched him like this, up until now. He doesn’t want to think about it, he really hates that this thought appeared in his mind in a moment like that, in such a perfect moment. Dan’s hands are bigger though, and his moves are firmer, more confident, and he is right there in front of him, and when Phil leans forward, he can bury his face in the crook of Dan’s neck and breathe in his smell. It’s enough. It’s enough to forget about his past girlfriend, it’s enough to feel like in heaven, and it’s enough to come. More than enough, actually._

_“Now we both definitely need a shower,” Dan says as Phil still leans onto him, not wanting to get up because it all feels too good._  
  
  
  


Phil wakes Dan up accidentally, by touching his hair. Dan opens his eyes, and he looks like a definition of a betrayal straight from a picture dictionary.

“You look so young when you sleep,” Phil says, still running his hand through Dan’s hair just to tease him.

“Because I am young,” Dan says, closing his eyes and stretching his body.

“Ouch. Way to bring down your old boyfriend.”

Dan props on his elbow and stares at Phil intently, even though his eyes look very sleepy. “You’re not old, you moose.”

“But you are younger.”

“I’m an adult, just like you, not a baby. And it’s only four years…”

“You are a baby. You are my baby.” Phil climbs on top of Dan and pinches his cheeks. Dan tries to wiggle his face away but he fails, and instead of trying to get out from this situation, he just laughs.

“Oh, shut up!” he exclaims, still laughing when Phil moves down and rubs his nose against Dan’s neck. “Phil! You know I hate it!”

Now Dan wiggles his whole body but after a moment of fighting, he manages to pull Phil’s head away from his neck. Phil gives up on torturing him further.

“Are you awake now?” he asks, still lying on top of Dan, and grinning widely.

“I hate you, Lester.”  
  
  
  


“I’m sorry that I’m leaving.”

Phil gets scared immediately. It sounds so vague that he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to interpret these words.

“No, I mean – today. Sorry that I’m leaving today.”

They are standing in the hall, Dan already with his shoes and jacket on. He only needs to grab the handle, open the door and get out, but for some reason he decides to start a conversation. A conversation that surely isn’t about to be very pleasant for neither of them.

Phil isn’t happy about that, to be honest. They’ve had a nice day, lying in bed, watching films on the couch, eating and joking, and having sex, and now, when Dan is about to leave, everything seems to be drowning in sorrow.

“Well, we have work tomorrow, right?” Phil says, hoping that it would somehow end the conversation.

“No, Phil, I mean. I’m sorry that I can’t live with you. I just can’t live with you.” Phil doesn’t understand why suddenly there is so much fear in Dan’s eyes, and why this subject needs to be brought up by him just now.

“Hey, don’t panic,” he says, cupping Dan’s cheek. “Everything is fine.”

“No, it’s not, but I don’t know what to do.”

Phil bites his lips. It’s all so difficult and he doesn’t have any proper solution on his mind either. “Dan, I promise. It’s fine for now. We have work, we have our own stuff, we’ll think about it later, and we’ll figure something out.”

Dan looks not only frightened, but also sad now. “What do you want to figure out? You want to live with me and I can’t. There is no in-between. We can’t have a compromise here.”

“We don’t have to live together.”

“Why are you saying that?” Dan’s voice is tight and weak, and he sounds like someone who’s about to fall apart. Phil can’t let this happen.

“Because that’s what you want, and I want you to be happy.”

“And what about you?”

“Dan, we’re going in circles now. Just – please, it’s fine. I’ll take it.”

Dan closes his eyes and breathes heavily. Phil embraces him because there is nothing else he can do. He kisses his cheek. He rubs his hand up and down Dan’s back.

“I want to live with you. I miss you every fucking day. Living without you doesn’t make me happy, but I just can’t live with you, and I’m so fucking stupid.”

“Don’t say that.” Phil feels so helpless, so helpless that his eyes start to sting with tears. He can’t start crying right now, so he blinks furiously to stop the tears.

“I don’t want to manipulate you,” Dan says quietly, and Phil pulls away from him when he’s sure that he can hold back the tears.

“You’re not, it’s my decision. Just don’t think about it for now. We have what we have, and we’ll work with that. And we’ll work on… We’ll work on making things better.”

“How?”

“I don’t know yet.”

Dan puts his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “You’re too good for me.”

“Don’t ever say that.”

They are standing there in silence for a moment, and Phil would maybe feel awkward if he wasn’t so sad.

“I should go,” Dan says finally, but still doesn’t move from the place he’s in, he waits for a response from Phil.

Phil doesn’t want him to go, especially not when Dan is in such state. He wants the things to be good, he wants it so badly. All he has is vagueness, and indecision, and confusion. He needs to enjoy what he has. He needs to accept the things just how they are for now.

“Take care of yourself. And if you ever feel bad, I’m here.”

“I want to be there for you too, Phil.” Dan sounds broken, and it’s heart-breaking for Phil, and he doesn’t even want to analyse the emotions he’s feeling because he would drown even sooner, and even deeper, and he would hit the bottom and just lie there, and never see the surface again.

He takes Dan’s hand and kissed the top of it. “You are.”

Dan nods, takes his hand back, turns around and opens the front door.

The door closes and Phil is left with the emptiness of his apartment and with a void in his heart.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: The Legendary Pink Dots – _Lovers (Part 1)_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	13. Call me, call me anytime

Sometimes Phil lies on his bed and imagines things.

Those images are different every time, and if Phil was supposed to put them into some categories, he would probably choose only two – things that happened, and things that didn’t happen.

To imagine the things that happened is easy and hard at the same time. It’s easy because it doesn’t require him to use fantasy, to create some more or less realistic scenarios. It’s just recalling the memories that he already has. The problem is that those memories are never as vivid as he would want them to be.

He imagines the touch of Dan’s hand. Dan has touched him probably everywhere so Phil has a great number of memories to choose from. Sometimes he touches himself and pretends that it’s Dan who does it, but it obviously never feels the same. Dan’s hands are bigger, and his skin is rougher, and his touch does something to Phil, awakens something inside of him, possibly some deep feelings that Phil doesn’t even understand.

He imagines Dan’s voice. Low whispers and high-pitched, exasperated, terribly loud half-screams. Dan usually tries to stay quiet though. He doesn’t want Phil’s neighbours to hear that he’s there with him.

Phil tries not to imagine how it would be if Dan could just scream as much as he wants in his own house. In his own house which he doesn’t have. He tries not to imagine their lives – together – in a nice house somewhere in the suburbs or maybe even in some village. Cute little village with sheep and willows near a small river, where all people are gay or at least don’t give a fuck that Phil has a boyfriend instead of a wife.

He turns over on the bed to face the other side of the room. That’s why imagining things that didn’t happen is so painful – because they are usually unrealistic. Phil’s imagination is too wild, and he can’t picture having a nice weekend with Dan in a rented house somewhere in the forest, in complete isolation from the rest of the world. No, he has to imagine them living a whole happy life together, in a world that is tolerant and progressive – something that they will never get.

Maybe they will though, at some point, decide to live together. Maybe as they will become older, they would give less and less of a fuck. Still, it’s hard to live with this uncertainty.

Phil needs to calm down. He needs to breathe and just not imagine too many painful things. He can focus on pretending that the hand that slips into his pants belongs to Dan. He can ignore the fact that he’s now holding his cock with his right hand, while Dan would definitely use his left one to do it.

  
  
  
Phil can’t even recollect when he started missing Dan so damn much. He’s been missing him always, from the very beginning of their relationship – it’s been already two years since they met. Two years sounds like a huge amount of time, but it doesn’t feel like it. The time has passed so quickly that Phil still thinks that he and Dan don’t even know each other that well. They didn’t have enough time to discuss everything, or maybe they didn’t have enough courage. All Phil know is that he doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. He would also like both of them to be happy, but it’s such an unspecified wish that it would be hard to make it true – maybe even impossible.

Phil knows that he won’t be fully happy as long as he keeps missing Dan, and lately he’s been missing him more than usual. It all must have started in Vegas. They had an opportunity to spend nearly every second with each other for almost a week, and it was so easy to get used to that. It was so easy to live in one room, sleep in one bed, have showers together, go out together. It was so heart-warming to always have Dan by his side. It was so comforting to have someone else in his bed in the evenings, someone who Phil loved, someone who he wanted to touch, and cuddle, and kiss, and it was so soothing to see this loving face every morning.

Then everything had started to fall apart and Phil was worried, sad, angry – full of all kinds of negative emotions. These emotions have been with him since then, they’ve just become far less intense over time. Sometimes they still make Phil think that he’s a ticking bomb, but usually he’s barely even aware of their presence. It’s like a very thin layer of butter on a sandwich that fails to be recognized by the taste receptors on his tongue. Well, a very thin layer of butter that got spoiled.

Phil hopes that he has learned how to live with his pain and how to control his emotions. He’s calmer and he tries to think twice before he says or does anything. It’s definitely an improvement.

Now it’s a Monday morning and he is getting ready for work. It should be easy because usually, his head isn’t full of intrusive thoughts during this part of the day. For the first hour after he wakes up, he feels more dead than alive, and his only wish is to climb back into bed. He needs to go to work though, so he’s in his bathroom brushing his teeth, trying to erase the taste of coffee from the inside of his mouth, and also trying to ignore the desperate need growing inside his chest, or – somewhere else. He closes his eyes and tries to focus on something trivial. He should probably buy a new toothbrush. The one he’s holding in his hand is old, it looks worn out, the bristles are bend and frayed to such an extent that it becomes embarrassing.

He puts the toothbrush back into the holder, right next to Dan’s. Phil bought both at the same time, but Dan’s toothbrush still looks as if it hasn’t been used at all.

It’s always painful for Phil when he needs to hide Dan things, for example when his parents are visiting him. It’s not that many items – it’s this one toothbrush, occasionally some of Dan’s clothes. And notes, a lot of notes that he needs to lock in one of his drawers.

Dan always carries some pieces of paper and a pencil with him, and sometimes he writes down some things. Those things are various – usually, they are some random words or chunks of Dan’s thoughts or maybe some sentences he’s heard other people saying on the streets. Phil isn’t sure and he rarely asks about it – he enjoys having some mystery, as silly as it sounds. There are days when Dan empties his pockets in Phil’s kitchen, wanting to throw out all those papers because they have no value to him. Phil always saves the notes from the destruction.

There are also days when Dan writes down some messages specifically for Phil to read and keep.

  
  
  
_“What is that?” Phil asks holding a piece of paper folded in half that Dan has handed to him._

_“That’s for you.” It doesn’t answer Phil’s question but maybe the question itself doesn’t really make sense._

_Phil unfolds the sheet and sees scribbled ‘I love you’. He looks at Dan, and then at the note again, because it’s so weird, almost unnatural to see those words there that he just can’t look away._

_Dan takes a step closer and puts one hand on Phil’s shoulder, and the second one under his chin. For a moment, all Phil can think of is the note in his hand, and all he can feel is the fear that he will crush it with his clumsy fingers, and he wants to take a step back to put it away somewhere. He wants to protect it._

_Then he realises that Dan looks slightly different than usual, maybe softer. As if this small gesture has somehow turned him into a hopeless romantic. It’s adorable, really, but also – significant. It seems important because Dan looks a bit insecure, as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing, as if he feels a bit out of place._

_Phil kisses him, hoping that this form of reassurance is going to be enough, that it’s going to convince Dan that everything is alright. Phil loves this newly discovered side of him, and he would do anything to encourage him to embrace it more often._

_When they part, Dan still looks exactly the same._

_“You didn’t sign it. What if one day I forget who is it from?” Phil says jokingly but Dan’s expression shifts drastically, and Phil realises his mistake. Too late. Of course, Dan won’t sign it. It would be like leaving evidence, and he won’t do it. Phil might be having a toothbrush for Dan in his bathroom, and Dan’s boxers in the pile of dirty clothes, but he won’t have anything with Dan’s name written on it. He doesn’t even have a photo of him._

_Dan looks uncomfortable and Phil knows that he tries to come up with something neutral or funny to say to save the situation. He’s actually good at it._

_“How many secrets do you keep away from me?” he asks eventually, a smile appearing on his face, even though he looks rather sad._

_Phil didn’t want to make him feel bad. It’s such a trivial thing to say, but sometimes so hard to accomplish. Phil can’t leave it like this, he feels that he needs to make Dan smile again – with a genuine smile, not this fake one._

_“I have one important secret, actually,” he says, trying to make sure that his face doesn’t show any emotions._

_“Oh. Now I’m curious.” Dan looks more aghast than curious though, so Phil decides to not torment him any longer._

_“I’m secretly a lizard.”_

_Phil doesn’t even try to hold back a laughter when Dan calls him a buffoon._

  
  
  
It’s time to go out. It’s time to leave the warm, cosy apartment and meet the cold autumn air, feel the chilly wind blowing into his face, and forcing its way through the gaps between his fingers. Phil has a car, but he rarely uses it. He doesn’t like to drive, and London seems too big and too overwhelming for him. Every time he’s forced to sit behind the wheel, he feels that he would rather take a solo trip to the moon. Fortunately, he is able to afford to rent an apartment in Central London – Marylebone, to be more specific – which means that his office is less than a mile away.

The air is cold indeed, Phil realises as he opens the front door of the building. At least it isn’t raining. He takes a few steps and he passes by his car – Audi 100 C2. To be honest, that’s the only model of a car which name he knows. According to some of his relatives and friends, he should be embarrassed by his lack of knowledge in this field, but Phil simply doesn’t care. He looks at this thing with four wheels and some complicated mechanism hidden out of sight, thinking that he couldn’t care less about it.

Dan’s been always saying that Phil’s car looks hideous because it’s brown. Phil smiles at the thought of it.

  
  
  
_“Oh my god, is that your car?”_

_Phil’s heart starts beating faster because he thinks that Dan’s going to point out its price. It’s not the cheapest car, but also not the most expensive one – still, it looks quite fancy, and Phil really doesn’t want other people to think that he’s showing off. It was Phil’s father who suggested buying this model and Phil simply didn’t oppose. He doesn’t really care about cars, but he realises that Dan might be interested in them – they had never talked about this particular topic. It’s the great unknown. He feels relief when he hears what comes out of Dan’s mouth next._

_“It looks awful.”_

_Phil laughs, and he can’t tear his gaze away from Dan’s face – he looks horrified. They enter the staircase and stop talking for a moment, as usual. They don’t want to draw any attention._

_“Why do you think it’s awful?” Phil asks once he closes the door to his apartment behind him. Dan still looks as if he saw something utterly disgusting. It’s really endearing, in a way._

_“It’s fucking brown. Do you even have eyes, Phil?” he says quickly taking off his shoes and tossing them on the floor._

_“I do.”_

_“I doubt.”_

_Phil hangs his coat and reaches out to Dan to take his jacket. “What’s wrong with brown?”_

_Dan rolls his eyes. Of course he does, he’s very dramatic at times, and always very expressive. Phil loves it about him._

_“It makes me wanna puke. It’s disgusting. This car is a monstrosity, and maybe I would even understand buying it if you were a fifty years old man with some weird moustache, but…”_

_“I can grow a moustache.”_

_Dan comes up to Phil, threatening him with his finger. He tries to look fearsome and serious, but Phil can’t hold back a smile._

_“I’ll kill you if you do that. I swear to god,” Dan drawls out, his face now only inches away from Phil’s._

_“Your hair is brown, and it looks nice,” Phil says, reaching out to run his fingers through Dan’s hair. He loves his hair. It’s so curly and soft, and in a nice shade of brown. Dan doesn’t even flinch, maybe because he’s so used to this gesture. Phil finds this thought endearing._

_“Well, I’m not exactly sure if you have realised it yet, but my hair is not a car.”_

_Phil makes a shocked face. “Oh no! I’ve been thinking wrong my whole life.”_

_“You don’t even know me my whole life.”_

_“I wish I had.”_

_Phil doesn’t even know how this conversation has managed to become so serious so quickly, but he’s not going to analyse it. He’s going to kiss Dan, that’s what he’s going to do._

_Dan puts his arms around Phil’s neck which might look a bit silly considering that Phil is shorter, but they never care about such insignificant details._

_Sometimes Phil wishes that he had a power of holding his breath for hours, or that he didn’t need to breathe at all. He always regrets the moment when the kiss must end because they run out of breath, even though it’s something completely natural, and even though they can always kiss again after a while._

_Dan’s arms are still in the same position, and Phil delights in the comfortable warmth radiating from Dan’s body since he temporarily can’t enjoy the taste of his lips._

_“I love you, but if we ever like – get married and shit, you need to sell it. That’s my only requirement.”_

_Phil tries to ignore the sting of pain in his chest. Dan’s only joking, and Phil know that what he said isn’t serious, but it still hurts. They can’t get married. Phil had never particularly cared about getting married anyway, but the thought that they couldn’t do it even if they wanted to is excruciating and distressing._

_He breathes in and out, trying to reassure himself that it all doesn’t matter. He runs his fingers down Dan’s chest, gently, as if it was the first time he was touching him. In some way, it always feels like the first time._

_“I need to say that you have quite low standards, Howell,” he says, immediately turning his head away to avoid a smack when Dan raises his arm in a playfully threating movement._

  
  
  
When Phil comes back home, it’s already dark. They had an afternoon meeting that took longer than expected, and he is tired, and also hungry. He ponders whether he should carry his steps into the kitchen or into his bedroom when he hears the ringing of the phone.

It scares him out, and he jumps because he’s still in the hall, and the noise is way too loud. His hands are shaking when he picks up the handset.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

Phil leans his back onto the wall, and closes his eyes for a moment, knowing that he can relax.

“I just came back from work,” he says. “We had a meeting.”

“You poor thing. Are you hungry?” Dan’s voice is full of empathy and Phil feels almost uncomfortable. It’s so ridiculous that Dan cares about him staying late at work when Phil’s job isn’t even half as tiring as his.

“I guess. But I’d rather talk with you.” Phil smiles, even though Dan can’t see it. He doesn’t even feel so tired anymore, Dan’s voice fills him with some weird energy.

“I don’t want you to starve yourself to death, you know?”

Dan worries too much, he is too caring, and Phil wants him to relax, to have a laugh maybe, to stop stressing out.

“Aren’t you into necrophilia?”

Dan growls. “Jesus, Phil.”

Phil giggles. Phil loves to annoy him, that’s honestly one of his favourite things. “I’m sorry. My brain doesn’t work anymore.”

Dan hums this time. “That might be a sign of starvation. Or you’re just dumb.”

“Hey!”

“I love you, you know that.”

Phil has heard Dan saying that hundreds of times, but it still makes him feel soft on the inside. “Yeah, I love you too,” he answers back, clearly recognising the change in his voice – it got lower and gentler.

“I’m actually calling to ask you out. Are you up for a dinner with me tomorrow?”

Phil tries not to act like he’s surprised, but he’s bad at hiding things. They’ve seen each other yesterday, so he didn’t expect Dan to call this early. They are not used to meet so often.

“Sure. I should be back home at the regular time.”

“Great. Maybe let’s meet at the station?”

“Baker Street?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. What time?”

“Five? I don’t really know when I have a train.”

“I’ll be there at five.”

For a moment, they fall silent, but Phil can’t get the worries out of his head. “Dan?” he asks.

“Yes?”

“Did something happen?” Phil wants them to be honest with each other. He’s glad that Dan has decided to call him, but he would like to know if something is wrong.

“No. No, I just wanted to see you. I promise that nothing happened.”

Phil takes a deep breath. “Alright. That’s good.”

“I can’t wait to see you.”

Phil feels exactly the same, but he has promised to himself that he would try to enjoy the things he has. He can hear Dan’s voice for a couple of minutes, and that should be enough. He can fall asleep thinking that they will see each other tomorrow. He can be grateful that Dan has decided to call him, and that he came up with this offer. He can hope that they will have some good time together, even if it's only a few hours.

For now, it is enough.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Blondie – _Call Me_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


	14. Cracks appear and cobwebs creep

Dan gets out of the train with his jacket unzipped and with his shirt tucked in. He’s wearing Phil’s favourite jeans that are quite tight, especially in the crotch area. For a moment, Phil can’t tear his gaze away from the way the denim clings to Dan’s body forming a slight bulge, and he feels his mouth going dry. He can’t even bring himself to smile. He’s way too aroused, or mesmerised, and it’s all because Dan is looking absolutely godly, terrifyingly good, surprisingly seductive considering that it’s the middle of the day, and he’s just walking towards Phil not even trying to be particularly sensual or provoking. Still, all Phil wants to do is to put his hand between Dan’s thighs – as stupid as it sounds – and feel this thick, somewhat rigid material under his palm, and then slide his hand up toward this way too tempting bulge. He knows that he needs to stop thinking about it because otherwise he’ll end up with an unwanted erection – he’s getting hard already and the only consolation he can find is in the fact that his coat is long enough to cover it up.

“What are you looking at?” Dan says when he’s near, leaning into Phil’s ear, with a laugh in his voice. Phil can bet that a blush starts creeping onto his cheeks. He wasn’t even aware that his staring was so obvious, and he feels embarrassed of his careless behaviour. He is also a bit surprised that Dan doesn’t point it out. He’s always so careful about everything they do in public, and now he just laughs at Phil shamelessly staring at his crotch in a place full of people. It is a significant change, and Phil doesn’t know how to feel about it, if he should be relieved or rather worried.

“Come on, I’m taking you somewhere nice.” Dan grabs Phil’s elbow for mere seconds, reminding Phil that they should move. They are blocking a mass of people trying to get out from the station, but Phil has been barely even aware of their presence. Dan has some mysterious ability to draw all of his attention.

  
  
  
“So, how are you?” Dan asks when they’re inside a small restaurant. They are sitting at a table in the corner, as they always try to do.

“You look good today.”

Dan laughs loudly and Phil wonders if other people are turning their heads to look at them. He doesn’t know because all those people are behind his back, out of his view. Phil faces only the table, Dan, and a piece of wall, and he’s not going to turn around to check.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom and – “Dan gestures towards Phil, eyeing him down. He’s still smiling – half empathetically, half teasingly, and Phil is overcome with a ridiculous want to make him stand up and press him onto the wall. It isn’t helping in any way.

“No, I don’t,” he says putting emphasis on every syllable, and trying to look as convincing as possible. Dan moves up his eyebrows clearly questioning all of it but Phil has no chance to fight against this silent accusation.

The waitress comes to take their orders, and Phil can tell that Dan has some serious trouble to hold back a grin.

  
  
  
“If you’re so desperate, we can spend a weekend together.”

The waitress is gone, but Phil finds himself feeling somewhat lost in the reality. He turns around to see the lady a few feet away, he watches her heading probably toward the kitchen, and then disappearing behind the door. Then he looks at Dan again, still feeling lost.

“Phil?”

Dan doesn’t know what’s wrong, and Phil doesn’t know what’s wrong either. That’s what he wanted, right? He wanted them to be more open, he wanted them to stop hiding, he wanted them to be free and stop caring. Is that what he wanted?

“Did something happen?” Dan asks looking even more worried and insecure at the lack of response, which always makes him seem to be younger than he is. It isn’t his fault, and it shouldn’t change anything, but Phil can’t get rid of the thought that it looks wrong. He needs something that would ground him, maybe he needs someone who would tell him what to do because he has absolutely no idea how to approach the situation.

“You are very straightforward today,” Phil says hearing how unnatural his voice sounds, how muffled and hoarse it is, as if he had only just stopped choking.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan doesn’t look angry, he looks like someone who doesn’t understand their punishment but accepts it anyway. The problem is that it shouldn’t be like that – they should be equal, their needs should be equal. It’s not a dictatorship where one of them decides about everything, and none of them should ever feel like they are being punished for something. Maybe Phil’s exaggerating but he suddenly feels like the walls are closing in, like there is no escape, and like he had just made a terrible mistake that has ruined everything. He fears that Dan is going to completely withdraw again because Phil has made him feel guilty for doing something that was supposed to help them. He hasn’t prepared for it though. He isn’t ready for it – whatever it is. This sudden change in Dan’s behaviour, this lack of caring, this unconcern about his actions – Phil simply isn’t ready for it.

“I’ll stop doing that,” Dan says, maybe because Phil doesn’t answer.

After that there is still silence, except for the muffled sounds of other people talking, the occasional shuffling of the chairs, and the rattle of the cutlery when forks and knives meet the plates.

“Do you want to go home?”

Phil looks up at Dan, suddenly needing to press his lips together because he feels like crying, and he doesn’t want to. He isn’t even sure if Dan means Phil coming back to his apartment alone or them going there together. Technically, it isn’t Dan’s home.

“Of course not,” he says, even though it seems dangerous to let the muscles on his face relax for even a second. He doesn’t cry though, so everything is fine. It takes him a few minutes to calm down, and to collect his thoughts, a few minutes during which they are just eating, but he’s fine in the end.

“You can stay over the weekend if you want. If you still want.”

Dan looks up from his roast beef. For a moment, Phil isn’t sure if he’s heard – he looks confused, and Phil had tried to make his voice really quiet, so that nobody could hear them. It turns out that he simply didn’t know what to say back immediately.

“Do you want me to come?”

This question makes Phil uncomfortable because there should be no reason for Dan to ever ask it. Of course Phil wants him there – always. He isn’t sure if his voice is still working, so he only nods.

Dan smiles gently. “Then I will.”

They are looking each other in the eyes for a moment, and Phil is almost sure that Dan tries to silently calm him down. Phil wishes it could be more effective. He wants to reach out, hold Dan’s hand, close his eyes and just breathe. Instead, he has the smile, he has brown eyes that look tired but serene, he has the mellow texture of the skin of his forehead and cheeks, and neck. It’s all untouchable but is there, it’s all there. He can’t reach out but he can imagine the softness and warmth under his own fingertips. For once, Phil blesses his mind for allowing him to create such realistic illusions.

  
  
  
With a slight tremble of his hand, he opens the door to his apartment. Dan is gone.

He shouldn’t have worded it like this in his head. It’s nothing terrible, nothing that hasn’t happened before. Dan has gone to his place after they finished their dinner – as he always does. It’s natural for them to be apart, they are separated from each other most of the time. Phil doesn’t need to act melodramatic. He should be used to that.

The first thing he does after entering the hall, is taking a deep breath and reassuring himself that everything is fine. Then, he takes off his jacket and his shoes, and goes to his bathroom with an intention to jerk off in the shower so hard that the skin on his cock is going to stay red and sensitive for at least the whole night. He’s desperate, god, he’s so desperate.

  
  
  
When he lies down in his bed in the evening, he’s calm. He’s not really happy, and he’s not really sad, maybe he’s a bit numb or maybe he’s just content with the warm, enveloping touch of his bedsheets. It feels safe.

He tries not to listen to the voice in his head saying that he has ruined everything. Dan wants to visit him for the weekend, and it’s the only thing that matters. He wants to stay with Phil this whole time, and this is something he had never – absolutely never – done. Phil should take it as a step forward.

The problem is that he isn’t sure if Dan came up with this offer because this is something that he wants to do, and he also doesn’t know if Dan is ready for it. Maybe he wants to pleasure Phil, or maybe he thinks that it’s the right thing to do but on the inside he’s scared and uncertain. Phil should have asked. God, he should have asked.

He begins to question his own motives – does he really want to help their relationship or is he just greedy? Maybe he’s focused so much on his own needs that he totally ignores Dan’s. Phil would rather jump into a volcano or get hit by the lightning than hurt Dan, but maybe he’s been doing it unconsciously the whole time. Has he ever asked what Dan actually wants?

He falls asleep with this thought in his mind. He needs to ask Dan. He needs to ask him what he wants, and he needs to make sure that they are both on the same side, that they both wish for the same things.

  
  
  
“What do you want, Dan?”

“I want you to undress me. And then I want you to lay on top of me and kiss me.”

“No, I mean – I mean for real.”

Dan furrows his brow. “It is for real. I’m being completely serious right now.”

Phil sighs and looks at his hands. “I mean in a longer term.”

Dan pulls away from Phil and looks at him from a distance. Well, it’s not quite a big distance – it’s maybe a foot – but it feels like miles. Maybe Phil’s couch has developed some magical skills and is now being capable of causing a weird, fictitious expansion of the universe. Phil nearly shakes his head at this distracting thought.

“I want you. Is it enough?” Dan’s voice is quiet but the tone is a bit provoking. It sounds like he doesn’t take Phil seriously.

Phil realises that he shouldn’t have started this conversation like this. He recognises, once again, that his ability to talk with people is very poorly developed. “I think that you should want other things in life, too.”

Dan rolls his eyes and shuffles on the couch quite furiously. He only changes his position to sit on his ankle but the movement looks quite intimidating in Phil’s opinion.

“Jesus Christ, Phil, don’t start with that. What dreams can I have? My dream is to come home for once and open the fridge without the fear that Tony has eaten all of my leftovers.”

“Does he do that?” Phil leans toward Dan a bit, and it might look as if he’s being protective. Maybe he is. He probably is.

“Yes. Because he’s got a lazy ass and he hates cooking. His excuse is that he didn’t have a grandmother who would teach him how to cook. As if that was a valid reason to eat all of my food.”

“Did you tell him?” Phil asks, sensing his voice getting lower and rougher. He can’t help but feel angry at Dan’s flatmate, so angry that he would probably be capable of making a fuss over this situation if he only saw Tony right now. This thought almost scares him because he used to be a calm person, peaceful and non-confrontational, but right now he feels as if the blood in his veins is boiling. He feels like a ticking bomb.

“Did I tell him what?”

“That you don’t want him to eat your food.” Phil tries to level his voice, make sure that he sounds as calm as possible. Dan probably doesn’t even realise how emotionally irate he is right now. That’s good. Phil can be burning on the inside but it doesn’t mean that Dan needs to know about it. There’s also a voice in his head – much smaller and quieter – telling him that he should take a step back, leave the room, take a few deep breaths and admit the truth, even if only to himself, that he isn’t able to maintain a conversation in a state like this. He is too worried though, he cares about Dan too much to simply let go for now, he feels like he needs to know everything – immediately, otherwise he’ll go crazy.

“Of course I did. Do you think I’m six years old or what?”

“Are you hungry?” Phil asks as his heart continues to pump his blood like mad. Dan only looks confused.

“We’ve eaten like an hour ago.”

“No, in general. Are you often hungry?”

That’s the time. That’s the moment when Dan realises that something is terribly wrong, as his eyes widen and he shuffles closer to Phil. His face expresses complete disbelief but it’s not enough to ensure Phil that everything is fine.

“Phil, stop.” Dan leans over to him and gently grabs one of his wrists. “What’s wrong?”

“Are you often hungry?” Phil doesn’t even dare to look at Dan. He feels like he’s caught up in his own strange world – the world of concern and doubt. It’s all he can feel right now.

“No. Jesus, no, I’m not.” Dan’s voice is soft, soft like cotton, or plush, or the fur of some fluffy animal – but it isn’t convincing. There is no way for Phil to erase the worries from his mind because he can’t make sure that Dan’s words are true. He feels guilty, so awfully guilty for not believing him that he considers himself almost evil at the moment. He knows that there are things Dan had been hiding from him, up until recently. Dan didn’t tell him about his father finding out where he lives, and he didn’t tell him the whole story about the abuse he had experienced. Phil doesn’t blame him for it, but right now everything in his head screams that there might be other things he doesn’t know about, that maybe he needs to rescue Dan from some kind of hell. He doesn’t know what this hell actually is, but lately it’s been often on his mind – dark, wretched, filled with dense air so pungent that it burns one’s throat, that maybe consists of some kind of acidic fumes or poisonous smoke, and Dan is always in the middle, hurting but unreachable. Phil never knows what’s wrong, and he wants to help, but he can never cross the invisible barrier, Dan never lets him in.

“Be honest with me,” Phil says, lingering his gaze on Dan’s hand still wrapped around his wrist, so big in comparison to his own. Dan’s whole skeleton is massive, every one of his bones is extraordinarily long but his fingers are thin, his collarbones stand out all the time when only they’re not covered with a fabric of some shirt. His hipbones sometimes feel sharp against Phil’s body when they’re lying on top of each other, and there are times when his ribs are visible even though they most definitely shouldn’t be. Phil had never really thought that Dan looks unhealthy – it is just the way he looks like, it’s always been okay, but now he isn’t sure anymore. It definitely isn’t okay if Dan doesn’t eat enough, or if he’s often hungry, and the thought itself makes Phil a bit nauseous.

“Do I look like I’m starving myself?”

“You’re very skinny.”

Dan wipes his eyes with his free hand. He looks so tired and just so done with everything. “Phil, I might be poor but I have enough money to buy myself some food. We’re going to restaurants together. You see me eating.”

Phil’s expression probably isn’t convincing enough because he then asks “Do you believe me?”.

At first, Phil wants to say that he thinks so, but he knows that it would be hurtful for Dan. It wouldn’t be fair. Also, it’s not that Phil doesn’t believe him, he’s just full of worries all the time, and he can’t help that those worries might sometimes get ridiculous. He really can’t help it.

“Yes,” he says closing his eyes because Dan’s hand wanders to his hair and it feels good. The gesture is soothing and calming, and it’s all he needs right now.

“Everything is fine,” Dan says, and it’s another thing Phil needs. One could say that it’s just a sentence with no actual value, but Phil wanted to hear Dan admitting it, he wanted to hear this small reassurance, knowing that it would manage to make him calmer for at least a few seconds. It does, it allows him to take one deep breath, and Phil realises that breathing seems easier after that. His heart isn’t pounding anymore either.

“Do you know what? I really like your couch. I am very fond of its ability to make us both fit on it.”

Phil smiles, not even that much against himself. It comes naturally – smiling when he’s being around Dan feels almost intuitive.

Dan gets up and disappears in Phil’s bedroom for a moment, and he comes back holding a blanket. “No, I’m getting behind!” he exclaims as Phil attempts to lie down before him, so Phil patiently waits for his to take his place. Then he joins, occupying the front area of the couch and pressing his back into Dan’s chest.

Dan wraps the blanket around them both and witches on the television with the remote he’s holding in his hand. Phil doesn’t even know when he has managed to grab it from the table, he hasn’t seen it. It all doesn’t matter though when Dan wraps his arm around Phil’s waist. They’re watching the news but Phil couldn’t care less about it. He wants to focus on actually enjoying Dan’s presence, enveloping himself in this familiar warmth, and this smell that he knows so well. Dan smells like home, and like warmth – like everything Phil has ever needed. The only thing that doesn’t quite match is this fear, this feeling that something might be wrong and Phil doesn’t know what.

“Are there some things that you haven’t told me?” he asks, turning around kind of awkwardly in the position they’re in, to look Dan in the face. “Just in general, anything? I don’t need to know exactly by now, I just want to know if there is something.”

Dan doesn’t answer immediately. For a moment, Phil thinks that his face expresses only guilt and confusion, but then he realises that it might be rather worry. “I don’t think so,” he answers. His eyes look gentle – they don’t look like they’re lying. Phil just needs to learn how to silence the voices in his head, how to quiet the torment. One day – he will know how to do it.

He turns around to face the television set when he hears Dan saying something.

“I’ll think about it though. And I will let you know.”

Phil nods. He isn’t sure if Dan can see or sense this movement, but he’s tired – too tired to speak out, too tired to turn around again. He doesn’t even expect to fall asleep so quickly.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: The Legendary Pink Dots – _The Lovers (Part 2)_
> 
> my lovely readers, i love feedback, hearing other people's opinions about my writing, and i take constructive criticism!  
> if you feel like you've got something you would like to tell me, you can contact me on [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/) (or leave a comment here. i'll be glad)


	15. And I need you more than ever

"Phil, wake up."

He doesn't want to. He's too cosy, it's too dark, and Dan's voice is way too loud. He growls, shutting his eyes close and hoping that if only he doesn't react, he would be left in peace. It doesn’t happen. Dan shakes his shoulder, gently but disturbingly, and Phil wants to tell him to stop but he's too exhausted.

"If you don't get up, I'm gonna throw you off the couch," Dan whispers right into his ear and Phil shivers, trying to cover up his head with the blanket, rather unsuccessfully. He doesn't know what time it is, he only knows that he doesn't want to move. He wouldn't want to move even if the world was ending.

He doesn't have to though. Dan keeps his promise and pushes Phil's back, so that he's hanging on the edge of the couch. Phil is too tired to fight back, so he just moans, hoping that Dan would some mercy for him.

Dan is a man of many treasures but patience is not one of them. Phil isn't even that surprised when he actually lands on the ground, letting out a shriek. He makes a note in his mind to murder Dan – when he gains some energy for it, obviously. Now he's just a sleepy mess, run out of common sense to such a degree that he comes to a conclusion that the floor isn't even so much uncomfortable. Maybe he could fall asleep on it.

"Phil, get up your lazy ass," Dan says grabbing the blanket and pulling it away from him. For a moment, Phil almost wants to cry. It's silly, it's so silly but he just wants everybody to leave him in peace. He wants to never open his eyes and just sleep for at least twelve hours straight because he's tired, and drowsy, and maybe even sad.

Eventually, he opens his eyes and looks at Dan who now crouches next to him. It's really dark in the room, and Phil doesn't have his glasses on, so he barely sees anything. The tv is still on but it doesn't let out any noise. He can't recognise the expression on Dan's face, it's just a big blur, and Phil wonders if he looks annoyed. He doesn't know why Dan is still there, why he won't just get up and leave, and let Phil pull himself together at his own pace.

"Come on," Dan says, standing up, and grabbing Phil's both hands to make him sit up.

Phil feels like a child, like a small, stubborn child when he lets Dan pull him up. Still, the unexplainable exhaustion is stronger than the embarrassment, so he just sits on the floor instead of getting up like a decent person would do, trying to collect energy for it or maybe trying to find some motivation, he isn't sure. He considers letting his upper body fall onto the floor again when Dan grabs his arm again and tugs.

"Come on, get up. Jesus, I should've gotten you into bed before you fell asleep."

"How late is it?" Phil asks, playing for time.

Dan growls and takes a few steps towards the wall to have a better look at the clock. "Ten twenty. Now get up."

He comes back and holds out his hand. Phil grabs it and lets Dan help him.

He is almost surprised how much physical strength Dan has - it's a thing that contradicts with his looks, making a weird dissonance. It seems almost inappropriate but Phil tries to forget about it for now.  


  
  
  
When he steps into the kitchen, he feels half dead. Every morning is like hell for him, no matter how hard he tries to stay positive, no matter how many times he tells himself the night before that he's going to wake up relaxed and in a good mood - it never works.

"Do you want coffee?" Dan asks, and Phil only nods in a response, collapsing onto the chair.

He feels bad for it, he always feels guilty for being so moody and grumpy, but he absolutely can't help it. They rarely spend mornings together, so Dan possibly hasn't even got a chance to get used to it. He isn't complaining though, he doesn't comment on it, and Phil couldn't be more grateful for that. He needs silence, he needs peace. He needs time for his brain to start to run, and he definitely needs some coffee to make this cloud of drowsiness disappear from his head.

"How late is it?" he asks, feeling some ominous déjà vu until he realises that he had asked the exact same question the night before. He's still a mess.

"I don't know, it should be almost twelve," Dan says opening the fridge to take out the milk.

Phil tries not to let the guilt settle in his mind but it's a hard task. He's been asleep for so long. For too long. "I've wasted so much time," he says without thinking.

Dan turns around to look at him, his brow slightly furrowed. "Sleep is good, Phil. You seemed tired yesterday, it's good that you had some rest."

Objectively, it seems reasonable, but the problem is that Phil's mind hasn't been very rational lately. His life is like walking through some fog that doesn't allow him to see the world as it is, doesn't let him take a wider perspective. Adding to that, he also doesn't know where or when this fog ends, and if he'll ever get out of it.

He's so depressing in the morning.

"I thought we could make some chicken today, but we'd need to go out and get the ingredients," Dan says in a voice so cheerful that it almost lightens up Phil's mood. Almost. There's something that holds him back, an unintelligible force, but Phil tries to tell himself that maybe it will disappear as the day goes by. Hopefully it will disappear.

"Alright."

"Is that okay with you?" Dan asks, staring at Phil attentively. His eyes are not puffy from sleep and Phil wonders how long ago he’s woken up. It could have been hours. What has he been doing the whole time?

"Of course," he says, trying to quiet all the thoughts that create an unnecessary torment in his head. He's just woken up, he's not in the mood for thinking.

"I mean, we would go together to the shop to buy some things. It would probably look weird."

It takes Phil a good moment to process what he's heard and to understand what Dan means. Although - he still doesn't fully understand. It seems like Dan is either afraid of going out with Phil, or he thinks that Phil might feel uncomfortable if they do it. Damn his lazy morning mind, but he can't even tell which option is more realistic.

"I can go alone if you tell me what you need."

"No, Phil, that's not what I meant."

The sound of the boiling water is so loud that Phil almost wants to leave the kitchen. Or maybe it's not the noise, maybe it's his inner coward that looks for a way to escape every time a problem appears, and every time a serious subject needs to be discussed.

Dan turns around to pour the water into the mugs, and Phil has a short moment to collect his thoughts. He knows that he should be more confident, he should be braver than he is, he should do everything he can in order to be happy and in order to make Dan happy. Only now he realises that maybe all those things stay in contradiction with each other. He has no longer any idea of what he should do, and what the right thing is.

"Are you sad?" Dan asks carrying the mugs to put them on the table. He doesn't look at Phil, as if it was a very casual and normal question to ask, and Phil is glad for it. He doesn't want Dan to worry, and he doesn't want to make a big deal of his current state that he himself doesn’t understand.

"I think I'm just still half asleep."

Dan sits down in the chair at the other side of the table and examines Phil, his gaze sweeps over his torso and arms, and his facial features, and Phil would normally say that he loves this look on Dan's face, this look of strangely intense affection, if only it wasn't lined with concern.

"Do you want to talk later?" Dan asks empathetically, but Phil shakes his head.

"I don't wanna hurt you."

"What are you talking about?" Dan’s voice is so soft and gentle that Phil wants to close his eyes and listen to its sound forever. He craves something that would soothe him, and instead he needs to face some issues that he doesn’t want to deal with, even in his own head.

"I don't want to pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. Or maybe things you want to do but you're not ready for it."

Dan’s eyes narrow and he puts his arms onto the table to lean a bit forward. "I am ready. I am ready to go to a shop with you and walk through the alleys and then come back here carrying bags full of food and not caring about who's gonna see us and what they're gonna think. I always have those stupid thoughts in my head and I want to fight them because it's so silly to let other people decide about our lives. This is our life, Phil, and I don't want to...” Dan looks to the corner of the kitchen biting his lip. Phil wants to say that he doesn’t need to speak if he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t get a chance to do it. “I can't be fully open because unfortunately I give a lot of fucks, also I don't think that it's necessary because our private lives are nobody's business but ours, but it's just - it's so silly, Phil. It's so silly that I'm irrationally scared of walking down the road with you, as it would somehow give away that I love you, and as if a tone of other dudes were not constantly doing the exact same thing without being romantically involved with each other."

Dan makes a pause, maybe because he's got nothing more to say, maybe because he wants to give a chance for Phil to speak up if he wants. Phil doesn't really know what to say.

"I agree with everything you've said."

Dan bites his lips again, this time looking down at the table, seeming a bit unsure. When he looks up at Phil, his expression is to some extent apologetic.

"Phil, if anything seems like too much for you, please tell me either. I know that I might not even have the right to ask for that cause I was hiding some things from you but from now on, I want to stay honest. Oh my god, it sounds so stupid. I’m such a hypocrite –”

“You’re not,” Phil mumbles and they briefly share a look. Dan turns his gaze away and takes a deep breath. Phil wonders why everything needs to be so difficult. Why does every serious conversation require so much effort and why is it so scary to talk about what you feel with someone that you love?

“You asked me yesterday if there was anything that you should know about me, and I was thinking about it, but – I don't know. There are some things that I've never told you, not because I didn't want to, just because there wasn't really any occasion for it yet. I don't think that any of those things is truly relevant but honestly, I don't know. If I've learned one thing, it's that we should try to be honest with each other because otherwise everything just turns into a mess. I want us to be open and talk, and if you don't agree with any of the things I suggest, please tell me. Or if you have any doubts. I promise I'll be doing the same."

"I think –" Phil starts, even though he isn’t really sure what he wants to say. He can tell that Dan does everything in his power to look encouraging, so he sighs and continues. "I think that I've been quite scared lately."

"Scared of what?"

"I don't know, it's an irrational fear, I think. I'm panicking because I don't know what I'm doing."

Dan gets up, and soon he's close enough for Phil to reach out and take his hand. The touch is very brief because Dan sits down in Phil's lap instead and wraps his arms around his neck. "I'm sorry," he says, moving on to kiss Phil's cheek. "I know that I've made a mess. I've made such a mess."

"It doesn't matter. We are together in this."

Wrapping his arms around Dan’s back feels like holding onto a lifeline. Phil doesn’t even have the words to express the level of desperation he’s feeling right now, how much he wants to abandon everything else and stay in this room forever, holding him, feeling the warmth of his body, being enveloped in his smell, let the layer of clothes be the only thing that separates them.

Usually the distance between them is much bigger. For some reason, Phil starts to wonder how big is the emotional distance between them.

They can work on it though. They can make it all better.

  
  
  
It took them quite a long time to decide whether to go out together or not. A long time of uncertainty and reassurance, of questions and answers, and even hugs and kisses. Now they’re at Safeway and Phil tries not to think about how weird it is that such a small thing like going out to buy some food can be such a big issue. He also tries not to look at any of the customers because he’s scared to see their faces. He looks left and right at the products placed on the shelves, and also at the floor, and sometimes at Dan.

"Do you have any spices?" Dan asks casually at one point. They haven’t talked much since they got into the shop, but hearing his voice is still soothing, there is something about the warm familiarity of it that makes Phil a bit more relaxed.

"I have pepper and salt."

Dan rolls his eyes. "I can't believe how you even function." He stops near the shelves and gazes over the condiments.

"I like to think that there is an alternate timeline where you can't cook at all,” Phil says trying to tease him but Dan seems to be more interested in choosing what to buy.

"You need to introduce me to this concept cause I have no idea what you're talking about."

  
  
  
“How can you not know what coriander is?”

“No one has ever taught me that!”

Dan snorts loudly. “It should be a common knowledge, seriously.”

They are coming back from the shop, and Phil is almost weirded out by how normal it feels. He finally has gained some courage to look at people passing them by, and he hasn’t discovered any abnormality in their behaviour. They all seem not to care at all about two tall guys carrying shopping bags and talking maybe a bit too loudly.

The world simply doesn’t care.

Obviously, it would be different if they were holding hands or doing something remotely romantic but they don’t need to do it now, they can do it at home, no one needs to know that this is a part of their lives.

“I’m a man, no one has ever expected from me to have an expanded knowledge in this field,” he says, gazing at Dan who seems to be slightly running out of breath. Phil tries to slower down his steps without actually telling him, and see if it works. He knows how stubborn Dan is being sometimes, and he is almost sure that he would insist on keeping up the current pace. Dan always says that he doesn’t like to show any kind of weakness and Phil has never understood how such small, indifferent details can be considered a weakness, but he got used to accept it.

“It’s not like you don’t have any expanded knowledge, Phil. You have absolutely no knowledge about food whatsoever,” Dan says, a bit dramatically, but a hint of laughter is still audible in his voice.

“Hey! I can name you some dishes.”

“Oh my god, what an incredible skill.”

“Shut up, it’s not my fault.”

He watches the ground under his feet that is still quite wet from the rain. He feels good, and he wouldn’t even mind if it was raining right now. Nothing seems to have enough power to ruin his mood.

“My parents have been always saying that I need a wife who knows how to cook cause I have two left hands.”

“Luckily I can do that,” Dan says lowering his voice, and in this moment something snaps. It all happens in Phil’s head but he can’t help getting annoyed. He doesn’t know what has caused this sudden change, he only knows that he’s angry, and that he can’t stop the anger from spreading violently through his body and mind – it’s everywhere and he can’t control it.

“I don’t think that you are what my parents have expected,” he says, regretting his words in the moment they leave his mouth.

Dan doesn’t say anything. He continues walking without saying a word, without giving Phil a look, without even glancing in his direction.

“I’m sorry,” Phil mutters, trying to save the situation, but he knows that it’s too late.

“It’s okay. I know that,” Dan says firmly, still looking somewhere in front of him. His body seems strained even though he’s walking, and Phil wants to make him stop. He wants to do something. He wants to put his hands on Dan’s shoulders or maybe hold him, and tell him that he’s really sorry, that he didn’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t know why he’s so weird and desperate, and why he’s such a mess, and why everything is all over the place.

“I don’t think the same way as they do,” he says instead, cringing at how inadequate these words sound, how little they explain, how meaningless they seem comparing to all the things he could have said instead.

“I know that, Phil. I know.”

They fall silent and never come back to this conversation. Phil knows that they should, he feels that they should, but he’s too scared that it would ruin everything.

He’s a true hedonist, or maybe he’s just a coward.

  
  
  
“It’s so good,” Phil says licking his fingers.

Dan looks up from his plate and from across the table. He’s smiling. “Look at my excellent cooking skills, I should work in a restaurant.”

“You should.”

Dan’s expression changes and he looks more serious, more focused on his thoughts. “It would be like cheating. It’s my grandma’s dish, not mine.”

“Nobody needs to know that.”

They continue eating for a while and then Dan speaks up again. “We can make our own business. I would cook and you would advertise my skills.”

Phil snorts. It is a nice idea, having a little family business. He is a bit surprised at the word  _ family _ appearing in his head but to be fair, building a family with Dan is all he ever wanted.

“I’m responsible for talking with clients, not advertising,” he says ignoring the thoughts in his head that are way too serious to be discussed in this moment. They’re only joking around.

“But you’re creative. It would be a good job for you.”

Phil thinks that it would be, Dan is right. He isn’t good at talking with people but he is quite creative. If only he had a second chance in life, he could try to pursue this path.

Maybe he’s still having a chance but he’s too much of an opportunist to try something new. Maybe at some point he will have enough courage.

  
  
  
“Come here.”

“I am here.”

Dan technically is there, he’s in bed right beside Phil but it isn’t enough.

“Can you lay on top of me?”

Dan raises his head to look at him. “Why?”

“Please.”

Dan looks surprised, maybe quite confused. “I’m gonna crush your bones,” he says softly, stroking Phil’s chest with his fingers.

“You won’t.”

Phil doesn’t want to admit it yet but he’s feeling a strong desire to be upon Dan’s body. Not in a sexual way, he just wants to feel him, feel his weight. He wants a physical evidence that Dan is more that the visual – more than skin and hair. He’s muscles, and fat, and organs, he is lungs, and heart, and kidneys, and brain – there is so much than the surface and Phil can’t see it but he wants to feel it.

Dan looks quite grumpy, he’s surely doing it on purpose because Phil wants him to move. He does move though, he climbs on top of him and lays his head on Phil’s chest.

“Are you happy now?” he asks once he has found a comfortable position.

“Yes.”

Phil could stay like this forever. It feels safe and homely to be crushed by Dan’s body, and it fulfils his deep, unexplainable wish. He tries to relish this moment but it doesn’t even take five minutes for Dan to reach out between their legs.

“Do you want it?” he whispers rubbing his palm against Phil’s crotch.

Phil would lie if he said no.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Bonnie Tyler – _Total Eclipse of the Heart_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)
> 
> feedback and concrit are really appreciated!


	16. Melt down, give in to me

It’s hot. Dan’s touch and the air. Dan’s body that is still on top of his own, and the warm puffs of air he breathes out against Phil’s neck. The pressure on his chest – only a moment ago giving him such a comforting feeling of safety – is now making him hard. The fact that his movements are reduced to desperate wiggling and wrapping his arms around Dan’s back to pull him closer does something to him, and it’s not the first time when they do it like this, but today he’s feeling a lot more on edge.

He still needs more, so he slides his hands down Dan’s back and under his briefs to grab his ass. The soft, squishy flesh feels so good under his palms that Phil can’t help but curl his fingers a little to get more of it, and for a moment it is enough. His hands are full of Dan now. He wants to be full of Dan in absolutely every way but then he thinks that he seems to be turned on to the maximum already, and he isn’t sure if he needs stimulating thoughts on top of all the touching.

Or maybe he does. Maybe he’s avid, or maybe his dirty mind takes over because suddenly he wants to whine and lose his mind. Dan’s lips are still on his neck, and Phil would like to touch his face, slide his fingers underneath his chin and guide his head up so that they could kiss. He wants more but he can’t do anything because his hands are still on Dan’s butt, and he’s not ready to give up this touch yet, not even for a moment.

He couldn’t express with words what he wants and how much he wants it, so when he whispers  _ kiss me _ , it feels a bit stupid and ineloquent. Dan does it though – immediately, almost mindlessly – and it allows Phil to stop thinking for a moment, focus on the softness of Dan’s lips and the way they feel against his own.

Dan moves on top of him as they kiss, only slightly but over and over again, and that’s when Phil becomes a bit more self-aware. What Dan’s doing is almost too much to handle because it creates friction that Phil’s so thirsty for. He can feel the warmth in between his legs and all over his body, spreading and enveloping him, making him run out of air but he does nothing to help himself. He doesn’t end the kiss, he only closes his eyes and wonders why it feels a bit like dying, and why it is so sweet at the same time. The only thing he wants is to get some release, so he pulls one hand out of Dan’s underwear and tries to slide it in between their bodies to touch himself but it’s for nothing because he can’t reach so far.

At some point, he doesn’t know if he’s still breathing. Maybe they’ve been kissing for too long and he just needs a bit more air to feel better, but it’s so hard to part when he’s so turned on. Only when they open their mouths a little more and connect their tongues Phil knows that it’s the end for him, that if they won’t stop he’s going to suffocate, or come in his pants, or maybe both at the same time.

“No, stop,” he says the second their lips don’t touch anymore, a bit surprised that he still has enough air in his lungs to do so. He feels like he’s drunk or dizzy or maybe simply not very present at the moment, and he watches Dan rolling off of him as if it is a film. The sudden loss of touch makes him feel cold, and it’s the only thing that brings him back to reality.

“What’s wrong?” Dan whispers. They don’t touch at all anymore and Phil turns his head to look at him. Dan’s cheeks are pink, his eyes are glossy but also scared, and Phil tries to even his breath as quickly as possible to be able to tell him that everything is fine but as a result, he feels even more dizzy.

“I need a break, sorry,” he pants after a while, even though he knows that he shouldn’t apologise, that he has every right to say that. Still, he’s too polite to not say sorry, or maybe just too British.

“That’s okay.” Dan eyes him carefully for a moment, as if looking for any visible signs that would tell him what’s wrong. His gaze goes up and down his body a couple of times, and Phil starts to feel uncomfortable. Not because he’s ashamed of Dan looking at him, but because he doesn’t want Dan to think that something is wrong. Phil is fine, he is a functional human being and there is nothing wrong either with his body or his mind. He simply needs a break and there’s no hidden meaning behind it. Their gazes connect eventually and Phil does everything in his power to not turn his head away.

“Do you need something? Water?” Dan asks.

Phil shakes his head. He has a need to say something casual and calming because that’s his only way of coping in stressful situations. “I’m fine. Just… You were gonna make me come.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” Dan smiles and it’s good because it means that he isn’t as worried anymore as he’d been when Phil told him to stop. Phil never wanted to make him feel scared.

“Maybe if I were still a teenager, coming in my pants would satisfy me,” he says trying to keep the mood as light as possible. Dan seems to relax a bit more.

“Oh, so you have high demands. I see.”

“You should know that already.”

Phil wonders if they should go back to kissing. It seems like an easy way, to lose himself in it, lose himself in Dan. As much as he wants it – he’s still hard, after all – it doesn’t seem like the best idea. It could be awkward. There’s a part of him, full of insecurities, that wants to talk it through. His brain is telling him that they should have a conversation before one of them accidentally does something stupid or has another break down.

“Do you remember the list we’ve made?” he asks quickly, while he still has enough courage to start the conversation.

Dan frowns for a moment, and then nods. It isn’t surprising because they’ve only ever made one list. “Do you want to discuss it now? The sex thing?”

He doesn’t look like he’s dissatisfied with Phil bringing it up right now but he looks a bit uneasy. More scared than annoyed though.

“I mean… I’m sorry. I know it’s maybe not the best timing,” Phil says waving his arm over their crotches. Dan adjusts his position, laying back and spreading his legs a little. Phil’s suddenly glad that they’re not fully naked.

“We’re both hard,” Dan says. “Unless you have something else than your penis in your pants.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “What does that even mean? How –”

“I don’t know, maybe you’ve grown some tentacles.”

“Ew. Are you into that?”

“I could be.” Dan laughs shortly and looks at Phil again. This time Dan expects the conversation to take a more serious turn – somehow it’s written all over his face for Phil to read it.

“That’s… That’s the thing actually. We should talk more. I want to know exactly what you’re into.”

Dan presses his lips together. “Alright. We can talk,” he says, still looking unsure even though he tries to sound confident. “I mean, I was joking with the tentacles. I think.”

Phil laughs but the change of tone throws him off a little and he doesn’t know what to say. Fortunately, Dan takes over. He’s always been better at talking.

“Okay, that’s the problem, Phil. I can’t tell you exactly what I’m into because there are things about myself that I don’t even know.”

It makes sense. It makes perfect sense but it doesn’t mean that Phil becomes any less insecure. He wants to make sure that none of them will ever cross the line in absolutely every aspect of their lives, even though he knows that it’s impossible to achieve it. He knows that life is complicated, that people make mistakes. He knows it too well. “What are the things you’re not into?” he asks eventually, hoping that maybe the way to go is to make small steps.

Dan looks at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. They are lying in silence for a moment before he answers. “I don’t know. Is there something that you don’t like?”

“I don’t want to have angry sex ever again.” Phil doesn’t even need to think it through – he’s sure, absolutely sure of this one thing.

“That’s fine. It wasn’t the best idea anyway.”

“It was a terrible idea.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Hearing Dan’s apologise makes Phil want to protect him. “No… No, please. It’s fine. I don’t want you to feel guilty. If anything, it was our shared fault, but I don’t think that it matters anyway. Just – let’s not do it again, please.”

“We won’t.”

That was the easier part. Dan wouldn’t do anything that Phil doesn’t consent to, or at least Phil trusts him that he wouldn’t do it. Now he realises how big importance and weight it has to put faith in somebody, how big of a deal it actually is. He feels like he’s slowly learning how to act responsible because earlier he used to not think too much about things. He just hoped that everything would somehow turn out alright in the end.

It’s probably the only thing that encourages him to continue. He’s scared but he also knows that they should have talked about it much sooner, and that putting it off in time is just irresponsible and stupid. He needs to confront his emotions at some point, and he can as well do it just now.

“On that day, I was quite different than usual.”

“Yes, I think so.”

Phil waits to hear more from Dan but nothing comes. It makes talking much more difficult for him but maybe it’s a good opportunity to face his own fears. “I was bossy,” he says, surprised that his voice shakes a little but he accepts it. He tries to convince himself that there’s nothing wrong with seeming vulnerable.

“It was hot,” Dan says and Phil’s chest clenches. “I mean, I admit that it was a very bad moment to have sex, and I didn’t really expect from you to behave this way, but… I wouldn’t be opposed to try it out again in different circumstances.”

Phil doesn’t say anything for a moment, relief mixing with guilt in his head, as he’s trying to understand what he feels, but honestly – he has no idea.

“Only if you want it too,” Dan adds, maybe because he can sense Phil’s hesitation and confusion.

“Is it arousing for you?” Phil asks as if he needs a confirmation but the truth is that he barely even knows what he’s saying at this point.

“You commanding me? Yes. Absolutely.”

“Dan.”

“It is. I wouldn’t do it with a person that I don’t trust but I do trust you. I know that you would stop if I told you so. I trust you that you would do it. You are the most caring person that I know.”

Phil almost regrets having this conversation because he feels tears coming to his eyes and it’s not how he imagined it. He wanted to be reasonable.

“I’m not,” he whispers and blinks hoping it would somehow stop him from breaking down.

“Phil.”

He closes his eyes because he doesn’t want to look at Dan when he’s crying. He feels a hand on his cheek and then a steady embrace but it makes him feel even more guilty. His chest feels heavy, maybe because he’s trying to control his emotions too much, and it just doesn’t work.

“It’s okay, you can cry if you need to,” Dan says and it’s enough to make Phil give up his self-restraint. It surprises him that he doesn’t even has the need to cry loudly, he just lets the tears stream down his face and it’s enough to make him feel better. Dan’s presence is comforting, and his reassurance is everything he needs.

He wonders if Dan thinks that he’s exaggerating or overreacting, but then Dan’s voice echoes in his head – a gentle tone with no hint of judgement or annoyance – and Phil knows that he doesn’t have to worry. Dan’s here, holding Phil, letting him be emotional for a moment, letting him cry in silence, offering the touch that Phil so eagerly accepts. He feels a bit like a child but in a good way. Dan is there to comfort him. Still, he has a couple more things to tell.

“I was angry on that day,” Phil says after he calms down, moving away a little so that they can look at each other.

Dan doesn’t answer for a moment. Then he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Everyone is angry sometimes.”

Phil thinks that it isn’t fair, it’s isn’t right to justify something only because many people tend to act the same way. “It doesn’t mean that I needed to let it out on you,” he says looking Dan straight in the eyes because it would feel wrong to tear his gaze away right now.

“You’re right, and that’s why we won’t do it ever again, right?” Dan looks down at their hands that are still touching. It’s just Dan’s hand resting on top of Phil’s, but it is inexplicably soothing. “You didn’t hurt me. I know that it might sound wrong because the outcome was awful but I was enjoying it. I mean, the sex, not what came after. And I wouldn’t want to have it again that way if it makes you uncomfortable. I just want you to know that I was enjoying it. Giving myself up to you, you giving me orders. I liked it because it was hot, and I liked that I didn’t need to think about what to do. It was strangely relieving, you know? I wish we had done it differently, without being actually angry at each other, but in general I like this side of you.”

Phil doesn’t know what to answer to that. It’s not like they’ve never commanded each other during sex, but it has never been based on anger. He understands that Dan doesn’t actually want him to get mad when they’re about to get intimate, but the thought of him finding such enjoyment in Phil’s authoritarian impulses is unexpected.

“I think I need some time to process it,” is the only thing Phil can say at the moment, and he is relieved when he hears Dan’s response.

“Yes, it definitely needs some further discussion.”

They lie next to each other in silence for a moment. Phil doesn’t know what Dan could be thinking right now, and to be honest, he doesn’t even want to know. His own thoughts form a big enough torment in his head.

Still in complete silence, he reaches out to touch Dan’s bare thigh. He slowly – teasingly maybe – slides his hand up until it reaches the fabric of his underwear.

“We’re ending the serious conversation and now we can go back to having sex?”

Dan’s voice almost scares him, it’s too loud and too sudden. Phil has been focussing so much on controlling the slow movement of his hand that he didn’t even expect to be interrupted. His hand stills on Dan’s hip. He doesn’t move it, but he slides his thumb under the briefs and strokes the skin right under the hipbone.

“Is there anything that holds us back?” he says thinking that the difference between skin tones of his palm and Dan’s thigh isn’t really big.

“I don’t know, tell me.”

“Maybe this.” Phil tugs on the material, not strongly but enough to reveal Dan’s hip and some of his pubic hair. He can’t resist the urge to stroke them with the back of his hand.

“We can get rid of that.”

Dan takes off his underwear so quickly that Phil almost ends up complimenting his skills. Or maybe the time has just sped up because in what seems like a second Dan is completely naked and reaches over to the bedside table while Phil hasn’t even started undressing himself.

At first, Phil doesn’t even care about what Dan is doing, he only realises what is going on when Dan closes the drawer holding a familiar tiny pot. Phil sits up thinking that they need to buy a new one soon, only to be attacked by Dan’s lips, and if he thought that he was the one being desperate, he definitely was wrong. Dan tries to operate doing multiple things at once – he kisses Phil, tugs down his underwear and when he doesn’t really succeed at it, strokes his cock through the fabric.

“Take it off,” he says pulling away and giving Phil space to undress himself. In the moment Phil’s briefs are gone, Dan’s hand is on his cock, smearing the lubricant with hurried movements, and his lips are on Phil’s lips again shutting off some of his moans. Dan is quick, so quick and desperate that it would be endearing if Phil wasn’t already hard and eager for more.

He grabs Dan’s wrist, as a signal that he wants to move on, and then watches as Dan lies down and waits. It’s so hot, knowing that Dan is naked for him, that he’s hard for him, that his eyes are glossy because Phil turns him on. Even though they did it so many times, it’s still fascinating for Phil that he has such effect on Dan. It even makes him feel proud to see Dan like this – hard and so thirsty – because he knows that it’s just for him and because of him.

He hovers over Dan, his knees digging into the mattress on both sides of him. The anticipation is almost killing him, and he can’t help lowering himself and rolling his hips, so that their cocks slide against each other for a brief moment. He hears Dan’s whine, and he really tries to be teasing but he loses his self-restraint when Dan reaches out for him pulling him closer, and their cocks are side by side again, this time for longer.

He slides his hands under Dan’s armpits and holds onto his shoulders desperately trying to bring them closer together, and because it also allows him to keep Dan in place just a little. He rolls his hips again, the sensation making him moan, and then repeats it, and soon he loses his self-control, rubbing onto Dan in hasty movements, trying to keep their bodies as close as possible while still maintaining the impact of his thrusts.

His strained thighs get tired pretty quickly, and when he finds himself nearly on the edge of orgasm, he loses all his rhythm. Dan takes over, wrapping his hand around their dicks and jerking them off, and all Phil needs to do is hold up his body to give him enough access. His effort to hold the balance and staying still doesn’t stop him from looking down at their cocks wrapped tightly in Dan’s gigantic hand. A few second of that view – the frantic movement of Dan’s arm and the pink heads of their cocks nearly disappearing every time his hand goes up and squeezes – is enough to send him over the edge. His come splatters all over Dan’s chest and stomach, and he falls onto him right after, completely ignoring the mess.

He knows that Dan’s still hard but he needs a moment. He lets himself just lie and breathe in Dan’s smell. When his own breathing comes back to normal, he puts out his tongue and lick at Dan’s neck, and he’s not at all surprised when he hears a squeak. Dan hates it.

“Move, I’ll take care of myself,” he says trying to push Phil away.

“No, no, stay. Open your legs a little.”

Dan gasps and does what he’s told. He always reacts strongly to the language Phil uses, and Phil tries not to think about what Dan has said earlier – that he wants to be told what to do, give himself in, that he wants Phil to take over. Instead, Phil focuses on settling between Dan’s legs in the way that makes Dan feel comfortable. He positions himself so that Dan’s cock is in between his thighs, and then moves.

“Oh god,” Dan moans, and the noise he makes is rewarding enough for Phil to start moving his hips up and down in a steady rhythm.

“You like it?” he asks because he wants to hear Dan’s whiny voice again. He even stops and stays still until he hears  _ yes _ .

Then they continue to move like this, sharing wet kisses from time to time, and Phil thinks that it doesn’t even make that much of a difference that he had his orgasm already. He loves making Dan feel good.

Soon Dan’s face, the noises coming out of his mouth, the way he wraps his arms around Phil’s back are enough of an indication that he’s getting close, and that’s when Phil freezes again.

“Phil,” Dan whines, and when he’s met with no reaction, he starts to thrust up.

“Shh, stay still,” Phil says knowing that he doesn’t have enough power to control Dan’s movement but still hoping that he would listen. Dan does it – he stops moving and looks up at Phil, with his lovely big eyes that seem darker now that they are so full of lust and desperation.

Phil doesn’t break the eye contact when he squeezes his thighs – it’s the only movement that he makes, this gentle squeeze – but Dan’s eyes close from pleasure, and he tilts his head back a little. So Phil repeats it – he relaxes the muscles in his legs and then tightens, with absolutely no rush, knowing that he probably must be torturing Dan right now, who definitely is not a patient person, especially when it comes to experiencing sexual satisfaction.

“Jesus, don’t tease me,” he says, his eyes still close and head tilted back, so Phil uses this opportunity to leave kisses on his neck. He knows that he can’t leave any marks there.

“You love it,” he says clenching his thighs around Dan’s cock once again, being rewarded with an explicitly long moan right after.

“Please,” Dan whines, so Phil kisses him again, this time on the mouth.

“Be good for me,” he whispers making sure that his hot breath hits Dan’s ear. He isn’t sure what makes Dan shiver – if it’s the tickle of the air, Phil’s words or maybe the understimulation – he only knows that he loves seeing him like this.

“You’re so desperate,” he says squeezing his thighs. He closes his eyes and listens to the delightful moans, and only opens them again when he feels fingers digging into his back.

“Please, please, please,” Dan whines but this time without even trying to thrust. Phil almost sighs in awe at his obedience and decides to reward his self-control by speeding up the pace. Still, it probably isn’t enough for Dan considering his reaction.

“Oh my god, Phil,” Dan wails to get what he wants. The way his voice goes high makes Phil think that Dan is close, so he starts to move his hips up and down once again, in the same rushed pace, humping and fucking himself on his cock until Dan comes, his arms clenched around Phil’s back and his legs trembling.

He doesn’t let go, and only then Phil becomes really aware of his come between their chest and Dan’s come on his thighs and butt, and of the fact that they need to remove all this sticky mess from their bodies. He’s tired, and he can’t even roll off Dan without leaving stains on the bedsheets so he decides to stay where he is for a while, enjoying the bliss that already fades away.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: The Animals – _Melt Down_  
> [my tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


End file.
